1 girl, 1 boy...1 happy mommy!

I am sad

2009-10-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

Today we got a call from a good friend of my husband's. His 11 year old, Jack, hanged himself. I am speechless. I am shocked. I am heart broken. This boy was quite possibly the sweetest boy I've ever met. When I was pregnant with Jackson, he helped us pack and move. He didn't complain. He asked what else he could do. When he asked what we were naming the baby, I told him and he responded "well, at least you know he'll be a good boy if he has my name!" And it was a true statement. This kid had a heart of gold.

Why?

We ALL love you Jack... RIP...big man

Lets play a game!

2009-06-29T20:44:00.000-07:00

Its called Mak or Jack...

A.)

B.)

C.)

D.)

Answers will be revealed in the next blog...

Phantom cries & tons of pics

2009-06-13T22:42:00.000-07:00

This is my weekend without the kids. I miss them, but I LOVE having time to myself again. Like its ok that its 12:44am right now and I'm upstairs on the computer and not having to type as quietly as I can so as not to wake the baby. It was ok that last night ,I went to Elizabeth's and didn't return home until 5:45 this morning. However, 3 times now since I've been up here, I have heard Jackson's little whimper he does when I make too much noise when he is asleep. I seriously stop typing for a split second while my brain remembers that no, its not the baby, he is at his Daddy's house.

We played in the water last weekend and the kids had a blast...nevermind the pic of Jackson crying...he loved it...lol

then we went out to Deanna Rose Children's Farmstead & did a hay ride

You wanna piece of me?

Then we spend a day out with Thomas and we were train robbed...Damn Thomas is expensive!

Jack had an allergy attack out of the blue, so was not happy...he also skipped his nap.

There's Thomas!

It is what it is: take 2

2009-06-03T14:16:00.001-07:00

So for those of you who don't know, we are officialy getting divorced. Nothing really 'happened' we just know in our hearts that its not ever going to work. The good thing is, i guess if you can consider it good, is niether of us was shocked at the revelation. In fact, it was more of a reliefe than anything. No more trying to keep something alive that in all actuality died long ago. We just finally pulled the plug. Hes been out of the house for 2 weeks now and we are doing great. He has the kids every other weekend + some days in between. We talk on the phone quite a bit. Our counselor still thinks there is hope, but me...not so much. I am so ready to move on with my life and take control and stop waiting for someone else to make it happen. I got accepted to UMKC and will be taking 3 classes starting in the fall. I am still searching for a job because until I work, we can't really afford to file the paperwork. Things are very amicable and I am at peace with our decision. I know I put everything I had into saving our marriage, and he worked at it too. In the end, there was just oil and water...co-existing seperately in a vessel, but NEVER able to mix.

The blog is going to return to happy go lucky kiddie updates from here on out...Brace yourself for some major cuteness in the future!

it is what it is.

2009-05-06T20:32:00.000-07:00

I've decided that is kind of my mantra or theme for life. It is what it is. Kind of like the old "when life gives you lemons..." schpeel.

Our life experiences shape us into who we are today, whether right or wrong, good or bad, and you have to chose what you take from these experiences and you have to live with the choices you make. Do I think it was a mistake to separate? NO. Do I think it was a mistake ending the separation so soon? YES. BUT, the decision was made and we are working on things as they are now. The counseling is helping more than ever now, especially since we are going seperately as well as as a couple.

I have dredged up super-demons from my past that I thought I had hidden and dealt with well enough, only to find out that they have, more so than any other experience, shaped who I am today. They directly impact my marriage as well as the rest of my life. The abuse I suffered as a 13 year old child at the hands of my uncle, really turned me into one messed up adult. Who knew? I didn't. But finally 17 years later I am battling these demons and I am going to be ok. WE are going to be ok. Charlie has his own issues to work out as well and he is doing his work too. Already I can see things getting better. Do we still fight? Hells yeah! But do they end in the feelings of hopelessness and doubt and fear as they have in the past? Not nearly as much as they did.

I am hopeful that things are going to continue to get better with us. I know that I am not alone in re-visitng my past and re-writing what I took from all these years of fear because my best friend is walking beside me, and holding my hand, and understanding me in a way that he has never shown me before. He is being my rock and my shelter and he is letting me be me for the first time in a very very long time.

I love him....It is what it is...

it's over..well sort of.

2009-04-16T17:48:00.000-07:00

Charlie and I officially are seperating for now. We'll see if we can put this marriage back together through some distance, because close obviously isn't working. :-(

to blog or not to blog...

2009-04-14T20:44:00.001-07:00

i'll decide tomorrow...

Siblings and RSV...as told by Jackson and Makenna...

2009-02-16T21:15:00.000-08:00

J: Sissy, Mommy said I have to put this stupid looking fish face thing over my mouth and breathe in that foul mist that sprays out.

J: I refuse! This is abuse!...Torture!...Cruel and unusual punishment!

M:Bubba, its otay. It make you all beddor. Sissy do it.
J: What is it about REFUSE that you don't get Sis?

M: Iss otay Jackie, Sissy here. I give you hug.
J: Dont think that a hug will make me forget what you just put me through!

J: Okay, Okay, I guess I can sort of forgive you...after all, Mommy just sat there and watched, so really its her fault anyway...

M:Bubba I wuv ewe!

THE END...

But really, Jackson is doing sooooo much better than he was last week. His follow up is tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully we wont have to continue the treatments much longer *insert squeals of joy from Jack-Jack*. He HATES the breathing treatments. At first he tolerated them, now it is all out war to get him to sit still so I can hold it to his face. Its so pittiful. Makenna has become quite the nurses aide, turning on and off his machine, putting the medicine in the nebulizer, and 'trying' to hold it for him. She loves her brother so much.

It is RSV

2009-02-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

Had he not fallen asleep finally at 5:30 this morning, I was about to decide to take him to the ER. I took him to the walk-in clinic this morning and they confirmed that he does in fact have RSV. He will be on breathing treatments 3 times a day for the next 2-3 weeks. Please keep Jackson in your prayers for a fast recovery and that hopefully we didn't pass it to his cousin or any of the other kids we've been around this last week.

The part of motherhood I hate...

2009-02-09T21:07:00.000-08:00

It is 11:09pm. Jackson can not sleep. His cough is getting worse and he can't breathe through his nose because of all the gunk. For some reason somthing told me to check my local mom's group message board. The latest posting...Virus Alert. I click on that and it is a story about how RSV is running rampant in the KC Metro area. And wouldn't you know it, Jacks symptoms fit it to the T. So I'm googling, webmd-ing, and generally freaking myself out as to what my next move should be. His breathing is a bit shallow and it doesn't take a Dr to see he feels horrible. The general consensus seems to be if wheezing is present take him to the ER. So far, there is no wheezing, but his symptoms have gotten worse as the day has gone on. I am taking him to the Dr first thing tomorrow. He already has an appt at Children's Mercy for his post-op check up so I may call them to let them know my fears and see what they suggest. I propped up his mattress and the humidifier is running full till next to his bed. I can't find his nose sucker thing, so I can't help him out that way. I've been giving him decongestant/expectorant all day and it has pretty much done nothing. I hate this helpless feeling, knowing your child is sick, possibly with a very dangerous infection, and there is noone to call, and nothing you can do about it, short of going to the ER and sitting and waiting... I'll update after we see a Dr...

Check out leeloublogs!

2009-02-09T12:09:00.000-08:00

I love my kids

2009-01-31T07:00:00.000-08:00

Just felt like expressing it on my blog...not that it was ever in question.

I wish I had a picture of Makenna last night who found her Pumpkin costume from 2 years ago and put it on along with her dress up skirt and princess shoes and slip on earrings. She was quite the sight!

Jackson is turning into such a big boy as I'm sitting here he is sitting in his high chair chowing on some Cherrios...his new favorite thing in the world!

I just love them both to bits and pieces!

Ready

2009-01-28T18:56:00.000-08:00

So I haven't written in awhile about anything. Things are about to change, a lot. Charlie and I have admitted defeat and are moving our family in with my mom and dad. Things have just gotten to a point, where we would never be able to pull ourselves out of the hole we are in. Getting a little help here and there just was not going to help in the big picture. I obviously still have not found a job and the bills just keep coming. Mom and Dad are so awesome. Its nothing anyone wants to do at this stage in their lives. We feel guilty because instead of Mom and Dad becoming empty nesters, they are taking in a whole family again. It also means we pretty much have to take over their house. We are going to make the most of it because we know this is our only chance to get our lives straightened out and to make the life we want for our kids. Its a fresh start for us. I am more hopefull and excited about the future then I've been in a very long time.
Hogan, our dog, is leaving us on Friday. This dog has been a thorn in my side since we brought him home 3 years ago. As much as I have not liked him, I am still going to miss having him around. I know it was not his fault that he had the problems he had. It was ours. His new home has a full fenced acre to run on and another Boxer friend for him to play with. We met thes last week and they are so excited to have Hogan join their family. They are coming on Friday to pick him up and we will say our last good byes to our family pet.
So as I said, lots of things are changing, but all is for the better. I am hopeful, excited and optimistic for the future now. I don't wake up with that sinking feeling in my chest anymore and I can finally see light at the end of our tunnel.
Thanks Mom and Dad. I love you.

Changes...

2009-01-24T08:18:00.000-08:00

You like my new blog design?

Stay tuned for life updates later too.

Big girls don't cry... they scream!

2009-01-18T22:08:00.000-08:00

This is a very true statement made by Makenna today. I about died laughing!

Some random Makenna cuteness:

OMG! I want to beat her sometimes! and Charlie too.

2009-01-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I would never beat my child, but seriously, she has been HORRIBLE this week. I have never seen such blatent, rotten, snotty behavior out of a 2 year old in my life. I know she is 2 and all, but come on. Time out works rarely, spankings...HA..., she could give a rats ass what her punishment is. Redirecting her to something else, just results in trouble somewhere else. She wont listen, she wont stay in bed, in fact, she climbs her gate to get out of her bedroom. I just caught her trying to sneak back into her room after sneaking out. Unfortunately for her, she was a bit too slow, but I found out her method and removed her ' escape ladder'. She is too smart for her own good. My mom payed for us to enroll her in dance class once a week. I was thinking that might help her in her abundance of energy and attitude, but its only been one week. They jury is still out on that one. I love her to pieces, but right now, I really don't like her very much.
Charlie doesn't help the situation either. He's all bark and no discipline. And he talks, and talks, and talks, and tries to reason with her and when that doesn't work...its up to me to be the bad guy. Tonight he spanked her for refusing to listen again and again, then proceeded to console her, and talk to her, and appologize to her, and blah blah blah, then he let her continue to jump on the bed, which was what got her spanked in the first place...so he pretty much undid anything that might have been accomplished by letting her know that he's a big sap and will ultimately let her do whatever she wants. Gawd hes an IDIOT! We deffinitely are not on the same page, or the same universe for that matter, as far as our parenting goes. I expect good behavior, he expects to play and leave me to clean up the discipline issues. Just like everything else in our life. Ok, but I'm not going there...that might be a realllllllly long blog.
Anyway, back to my original issue. I know everyone told me 3s are worse than 2's but I really didn't think it could be this bad...and shes not even 3! God help me!

Job saga drama

2009-01-07T09:00:00.001-08:00

I still have no job.

I probably wont have a job either.

The job I interviewed for 5 weeks ago and was told that I was hired right away has turned into a nightmare. I waited for 3 weeks to get a 'pesonality screen' test e-mailed to me. Durring that 3 weeks I called quite often to check in with the manager who each time assured me the job was mine and that the HR people were just slow and stupid. So finally, I get the e-mail and complete the test and send it back immediately. The next day (Dec 23) , I get a call from the manager and she 'officially' offers me the assistant manager position. We discuss salary and start date. She told me she just had to wait for the approval for the salary (which was higher than I had requested). But the job was mine. We tentatively set January 5th as my start date pending my drug screen and the approval from HR. I never heard from the manager as to when my drug screen was to be done. I called her tuesday (Dec 30th) to find out what the deal is and now I'm told that she is still waiting for approval to hire me for the position. ????WHAT??? I was under the impression I was already offered the job. She said not to worry that she would call me Monday, Jan 5th (mind you this is the date I was 'supposed' to start). I didn't hear from her, so I called that afternoon and ask her what was up. Her answer..."Well we decided to keep the girl we have in the position." She then offered me the leasing poisiton that I had orriginally interviewed for. WRONG AGAIN!!! Nope, I have to go in and re-interview, from scratch, this time with the DM who has taken over the hiring process.

So essentially I have thought I had a job for 5 weeks only to find out that nope, a whole lotta smoke has been blown up my a$$ and I am still jobless.

Wanna guess how pissed off I am???

I'm amazed

2009-01-03T21:13:00.000-08:00

Less than 24 hours after Jackson's surgery, he was back to 'normal'. As horrible as he looked and felt when we left the hospital and most of that afternoon, I would never have guessed that that evening and today, he would be bouncing on us, rolling all over the place, babbling, laughing, and just generally being the joyful boy he always has been! He wakes up from his naps and squealing with happy noises, he attempts to climb all over us when we are holding him and seems to not even remember that he has just had some pretty major surgery. I've kept him on his pain medication and will continue through the weekend. I don't want to not give it to him and end up having him in a lot of pain again. I will wean him off starting monday as long as everything goes ok. I also get to take off his bandages. I'm kind of excited to see how his boo-boos look under the dressings. Ok, maybe curious is a better word. But I am just so amazed at how well he has bounced back from this. I am so glad we didn't wait until he was older. Dr DeMarco said that the same day of Jack's surgery he was doing an identical one on a 7 year old boy and that boy would take about 4 times as long to recover. I feel horrible for that boy and his parents.
I'll post new pics of Jackson tomorrow in his "My Operation was Bearable at Children's Mercy" T-shirt. Granted its a size 2/4 but its still his shirt and he earned it!

Jackson's Surgery update

2009-01-02T20:26:00.000-08:00

Well, its all over!
Lastnight I put him to bed after lots of extra cuddles and kisses. I woke him up around 12:30am for another bottle before the 1:30 deadline. The look of confusion on his face was priceless. He ate about 2 oz so it was hardly worth it. I went to bed around 1:30 and 4.5 hours later, it was time to get up and get ready to head to Children's Mercy. I gave him a quick bath and buckled him into his carseat and off we were. We arrived at CM at 6:30am and were called back to the pre-op room. I was really worried that they would be doing the IV there, but to my reliefe, they do it once he is already asleep. So they brought out the cutest little hospital gown which I would have stolen if they hadn't stripped him down by the time we got to see him. He looked so cute in it. They took his vitals and we waited for the Drs to come visit with us.
Dr DeMarco is his urologist and he came and pretty much went over everything we had talked about at his appointment. The worst case scenario would be if the testicle was in his belly and he would need 2 surgeries to move it down. Then, it was time to carry Jack to the little wheeled crib and say goodbye as they wheeled him away. What an empty feeling that is. We went to the waiting room and twiddled our thumbs for about an hour and a half. Finally, Dr. DeMarco came back and said that everything was finished. The testicle was in his belly, but thankfully, it was low enough that he was able to get it done in this surgery. So no more surgeries for my baby! Woo Hoo.
It was another 30 minutes or so before they came to get us to see him. This is when things got hard. When we got back there, they had us go to ta little area, and then they carried him out. It was so sad because as soon as they handed him to me he started screaming. Not "OMG Mom, I'm so happy to see you" scream, but 'OMG, Mommy, it hurts so bad" scream. The nurse said that he was having a lot of pain and they hadn't gotten his pain under control. They went ahead and got us to try to calm him down. As I was holding him trying to get him calmed down, the nurse called the on-call Dr to get approval for some IV pain meds as well as a dose of oral meds. Thank goodness they got ahold of the Dr immediately and they gave him the IV meds. Those took about 5 minutes to fully kick in and he calmed down enough to where we could give him the oral dose. 10 minutes later, he was passed out. He was maxed out on pain meds in the hospital.
I don't think I really expected him to be in that much pain. It really scared me seeing him hurting so bad. Especially seeing my baby boy who never cries become so inconsolable. It was really heartbreaking. We got him dressed and in his carseat along with some extra padding on his front side. He slept the whole way home even with us stopping for his perscription.
The first few hours home were still rough, but amazingly enough, by this evening, he was almost back to his happy go lucky self. He has an incision above his belly button, one in his lower abdomen, and one on his scrotum. He still winces every now and then, but overall he seems to be handling it all very well. In fact, when I woke him up from nap earlier today, he had turned over onto his tummy and when he saw me, he got up on his hands and knees! That was the first time he's gotten up on all fours! I think its funny though because the nurse had told us that he wouldn't be sitting or pulling up while on his meds b/c they would make him so loopy, and here is my crazy kid accomplishing a milestone all hopped up on the pain killers! LOL

I'm so glad this is over!

Amen!~Whew its a long one....& LOTS of pics!

2008-12-26T19:22:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a long one...

Ok, I am happy to announce that I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It only took 3 weeks to get the final word, but I got it! I will be the assistant manager at Oak Park Village Apartments. It is a 500+ unit complex about 5 minutes from home and 2 minutes from Megan's house where the kids will be. It pays REALLY well and has good benefits (so I hear). I will start January 5th. I am really looking forward to getting back to work and getting out of the hole we've been living in. The best part is it shouldn't take too long to get us back on top thanks to my salary. We're by no means going to be moving out to Halbrook or anything, but for as broke as we've been for as long as we've been, this is a very welcome blessing.
Speaking of blessings, I've been going to church again. By again, I mean the last time I was at church for church was before I was even a teenager. On my own accord I decided it was my time to seek some devine intervention. I became a beliver in prayer by following the Kayleigh Anne Freeman Blog. You know the little girl who wasn't supposed to make it...well, the little fighter is stunning everyone and is healing. It is a true miracle. There was no hope other than prayer and well...the proof is in the pudding so to speak. I am going to Unity. A non-denominational church that focuses on the Christ spirit within all of us. I love it. The since of community is awesome and I feel so welcomed. Makenna is going to the nursery room until she is 3 and she gets to start her sunday school classes. My favorite part is at the end of every service, they bring all the kids to the front of the church to sing the peace song. Makenna LOVES this part. Have I mentioned lately how much she loves the stage?
Another wonderful thing that has happened this week is I got a very welcomed and VERY UNEXPECTED apology from my father in law this week. We have had a very strained relationship the past few years, and we have actually come a long way this year. I had already forgiven him on my own, but he had NEVER so much as acknowleged anything had ever happened. This phone call was very awkward, but in a good way. First off, he never calls to talk to me. This time he called my phone and said "honey, I need to talk to you for a minute" I said "ok?" He proceeds to tell me how much he loves me and that he never meant to hurt me like he did and he was so sorry for the way he had acted in the past. Those words were like instant healing to my heart. It was something that I had been longing for and something I had given up on. I had decided it wasn't helpful to me to hold my resentment as strongly as I was. But still there was hurt there that no ammount of forgiveness can take away, and by him apologizing, it took so much of the hurt away. I am very hopeful that we will continue to improve our relationship and become the friends we once were. I do love the SOB...
Our Christmas was great! We did our traditional family gathering at Brian and Terri's house. None of Dad's side showed up except for his brother who came by for about 10 minutes and somehow forgot about my children but remembered gifts for Sam & Jake...nice huh? But I'm not even upset about it. Its just more rediculousness from them. The rest of the day into night was a blast! Makenna and Sam ran around like mad children. This was day 3 of them playing together all day, and day number 3 of no nap for Makenna so she was tired! She slept until 9am this morning and that is way late for her. Then she took a 3 hour nap and went to bed without a hitch. Its been great! The kids were of course spoiled rotten by Grandma & Grandpa and all the aunts and uncles! We also got a special appearance by the big man himself, Santa! (aka Papa) Emily and Christian announced to the rest of the family that they were engaged and gave out the pics I took for their engagement. We made a ton more memories for the happy times vault and everyone left happy, fat and tired. We even squeezed in a family shot with all the new additions (babies, booyfriends, fiances). If you'll notice all the kiddos are in jammies and everyone looks exhausted...that is because it was taken around 10pm after the ALL DAY festivites. I hope everyone elses Christmas rivaled our good time!
Jackson's surgery is a week from today. I am starting to get very nervous. I watched a show on TLC today where a baby had to go in for a minor surgery, and I bawled like a baby knowing in a week I will be watching them stick my baby with an IV and watch as they wheel him behind a set of overbearing double doors. It maybe a minor surgery but it is a major heartache for me. He does have a cold that seems to be moving into his chest, so there is a chance that they may have to re-schedule until he is healthy. On one hand I hope for that, but on the other it will just prolong the worry. Please say a little prayer for my little man!
Makenna got a large box of 'dress up' outfits from her Aunt Ashey. In this box of greatness was a little microphone. She discovered this tonight and for about an hour straight proceeded to sing and perform in front of us her 'rap' version of Twinkle Little Star and her beautiful rendition of Jingle Bells and Wish You a Merry Christmas as well as many other unrecognizable songs. I swear she is a natural. I wish my camera wasn't dead or I would have shot about a billion pics. I am so in awe of her. Her spunk and personality is just amazing. I asked her tonight if she wanted to do singing lessons or dance lessons to which she responded "both, I'm going to sing and dance at Chuck E Cheese!" (of course it wasn't so annunciated, but I understood what she was saying.) Her new favorite phrase is "______ not koporating" ('fill in the blank' not cooperating". Tonight her Jammie pants were not koporating and it was very 'Noying'. I don't know where she gets these things...LOL
Ok, I'm going to wrap it up now. Not that you will notice but I am doing some blog cleaning and getting rid of some of the more negative blogs. Things are really going to start getting better, and I want to focus on the positives again.
Please enjoy the 500 pics I'm about to post as well!..No really, there are a TON!

Cuteness before Chaos...

Now what have we got here?

Wow I must have been good! Santa brought me candy!

WooHooHoo score!

The big cheese

Mak & Aunt Emmy

Jake & Gramma (Jake by the way is HUGE!)

Santa visits

Jackson and Unle Brian

Mmm paper!

more paper!

The Whole Fam-Damily (the 'fun' shot..notice the nerf guns)
back: Brian, Mom, Dad, Charlie
front: Terri, Sam, Emily, Makenna, Christian, Jack, Me, Ashley, Matt

Aunt Ashey & Sammy

Matt & Ash

And finally...Congrats to my lil'sis and her man!

Little updates.

2008-12-17T20:10:00.001-08:00

First off, please keep Kayleigh Anne Freeman & her family in your thoughts and prayers. It seems her fight is soon going to be over. (see blog list)

Jackson is scheduled for surgery on January 2nd. Not exactly what I want to deal with right now, but its for the best.

Grandma's service was on Monday. Still not sure what to think.

Charlie's knee doctor is at a loss for what the next step will be. We will be seeking a 2nd opinion shortly. He has had no relief from his pain.

Still no word on when my job will start. I have talked with the manager who assures me that the job is mine, she just has to wait for the home office to approve my hiring. It is 2 weeks tomorrow since I was 'unofficially' hired. I have been applying at other places still just in case.

The insurance thing is still unresolved. *Patty I will be emailing you in regards to what is going on to get your take on it.

I have the best mom and dad in the world. Thanks for taking your 'mooch' daughter and family out for dinner tonight. I love you.

Makenna is...hmmm...well, she's 2. Tonight at the restaurant she said hi to EVERYONE. Oh and at Church she LOVES it when she gets to come into 'big' church with the rest of the kids so she can sing on the stage in front of the congregation. She's not a diva or anything.

Things just really suck right now.

2008-12-10T12:20:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to begin. Nothing is going right. At a time when we thought things were finally going to start getting easier, once again life has blown up in our faces. Its like a cruel joke someone is playing on us. I give up. You win whoever you are.

After 3 months of looking I tentatively get offered a job that I think I will really enjoy. I had to wait on an e-mail from home office, then go for my drug test. E-mail never arrived and for the past week I've tried to get ahold of said job, and can't get anyone to return my phone call or send me the paperwork that I need to start.

Grandma is gone and although I'm not really upset about it, there are some weird feelings going on in my head. But any service to be held wont be until next week, which if this job thing works out, its going to suck having to take time off work right off the get go.

I took Jack for his 6 month check up (a month and a half later). I get more crap for our past-due balance that we are still fighting the insurance about. I tell his Dr about the appt at children's mercy and that the Dr there said they don't do anything until 14 months. Turns out this Dr isn't the one who I was supposed to see, and now there is a rush to get Jack back in for a consultation and get his surgery scheduled. Again, great now that I 'think' I have a job.

The insurance company is still not paying any of Jack's bills from his birth to May 1st. Thats a whole long mess of a deal and the longer it goes the madder I get. I have a feeling we're going to end up being screwed.

We need me to be working now worse than ever. X-mas is going to suck for the kids, but at least they are too young to remember this. Doesn't make us feel any less like loser parents.

Charlie's knee is killing him more than ever. He almost fell off his truck the other day b/c he tweaked it and it hurt so bad.

I'm so tired of having nothing good to say...

She's gone

2008-12-08T18:06:00.001-08:00

Grandma died today.

If she only knew....

2008-12-03T20:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Melanie,
I'm sure on the surface to you it looks like we are all treating your poor grandmother 'horribly'. I guess Grandpa may be ashamed of us if he were here, but you know what, its not your place to throw accusations. I'm sure when you were growing up, your grandmother told you how pretty you were and how smart you were and how you were going places in life. Unfortunately, my grandmother told me every chance she got, how fat I was, or how stupid I was, or how I would never amount to anything. She also constantly reminded me how I would never measure up to YOU. Growing up I wanted nothing more than to be you. Afterall, you were grandma's favorite and she would have to love me if I was more like you...right? But alas, nothing I did was ever good enough. Being young and naieve, I played the pawn. When grandma needed shit cleaned up at her house, I volunteered. I was paid. Too bad the only 'alone' time I ever had with that woman was when I was acting her loyal servant housecleaner, and all the while all I heard was how I just wasn't good enough. But I got to hear all the wonderful ways that you could walk on water. Growing up I HATED you. I've worked on that. In fact, I've come a long way. But this isn't about you. There are just some things you can't talk about and this is one of them. You see, you will probably never know any of this. There is no easy way to explain my personal feelings for the woman. Im sure everyone else has their reasons for feeling the way they do too, but its not my place. You are comfortable with your blinders on and thats ok. But what is NOT ok is for you to generalize to everyone that Grandpa would be ashamed of us. Keep in mind she refused to let Grandpa die with dignity in a nice place, but you damn well better believe her sorry ass is in a swanky joint at the foot of Mission Hills. Explain that one to me. The only good thing about that woman was Grandpa. Too bad he had to leave us first. You see, the ones Grandpa are supposedly 'ashamed' of are the ones who really know whats going on and what kind of person she is. I'm not judging her for what she did, that also, is not my place. However, I will not cry when she dies as I did when Grandpa left. I will however, be very sad. Instead of a life full of memories of baking cookies, hugs and kisses, I remember being forever reminded of what a disappointment I was to her and that hurts more than anything you or she will ever know. You think Grandpa is ashamed of me? I know that Grandpa loved me, he told me every chance he got, but you know what, I NEVER remember hearing those 3 little words out of her mouth once and I wanted it more than anything. So forgive me for not dropping everything in my so-called worthless life to sit vigil at her death bed. I pray she goes quickly and peacefully so we can all finally start healing from the hurt she caused. Persoanlly, I don't think shes going anywhere anytime soon, shes not done with us...
God Bless,
Your cousin

Its 10:48pm and...

2008-11-27T20:47:00.000-08:00

I'm getting ready to hit the shops at midnight!!!! I can't wait! I LOVE Black Friday! Not that we have a lot of money, but hopefully I'll be able to take full advantage of the deals the retailers are giving out!

And tune in tomorrow for lots of updates...

You're invited to my pity party.

2008-11-11T20:16:00.000-08:00

I didn't get the job I had been hoping for. It wasn't a dream job or anything, but it was a job I knew I could do well, and the interview went great, so I had a really good feeling that I landed it. I called today to talk with the manager, and was told that my answers on a questionier suggest that I am not 'management material' and that the home office would keep my resume on file...blah blah blah. I was so shocked to hear what she was saying. Durring the interview I told her how I had 100% collection and 0% delinquency and she was impressed. She said they could use someone like me for sure. I didn't quite have the total experience time they were looking for, but my record spoke volumes for the kind of asset I could be to a company. But because I answered a stupid rate how you react on a scale of 1-5 wrong, I'm not management material. I stupidly put a lot on this interview. I started feeling relieved that I would finally be heading back to work and the money crunch would loosen a bit. I got my hopes up, way up and just like the story of my life goes, I failed miserably.
Charles is going in for his first knee surgery on the 21st. He will be out of work for at least a week. His company offers no short term disability so the time he is off is all unpaid. If I don't have a job by then, I dont know what will happen.
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and there is nothing that will ease it. I've treid to find a job. I've submitted over 40 resumes to various companies. I dont know what else to do. I need a job and can't find one. My confidence is in the shitter right now and I feel like my family will be in ruin if I can't get this figured out. We already have a hard time paying our bills, what happens when we have absolutely no income? I'm just scared right now.

Thank God for Blogging!...and Loni

2008-11-03T14:38:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking that I am so thankful for the wonderful world of blogs. Not just to help me keep my sanity at times, but to keep up with all my friends who live nowhere close to me...at least not close enough to where I could just call them up and say 'hey lets go to lunch' and be there. I follow my best freind Loni's blog all the time. Its one of the first things I check on the computer everyday (second to my e-mail which automatically pops up as my homepage). I miss her so much and am so glad that even though 'Aunt' Liz can't be there to see the girls in person, I get to share Halloween and any other 'big deals' going on in their lives. I get to keep up with her eventhough I don't call her on the phone everyday or nearly as much as I should.
Everyday lately, I check to see if there is any progression towards the arrival of baby girl #3. Not only am I excited for her arrival, but it means that very soon I'll be making the short trek down Wichita way to meet the little doll and see her big sisters again, and most importantly to give my best friend that long overdue hug. I don't even know that she knows that this is the plan, but we (Charlie and I) have decided that even if we just drive down to see them and turn back around, we are going to go when Allison is born. Not sure if the kids will come along or not, but I need it. I need to see the person who means so much to me and has shared such a huge part of my life. Like the time in Cancun, when I was (unknowingly) suffering the ill effects of Mono, my best friend was there to make sure I had a beer or magarita in hand to make me feel better...Sure I could have died, but at least I would have been drunk and happy in the company of my best friend. We have lots of stories like that. We were the kids that our parents warned us about...but I had some of the best times of my life with my Loni.
She was also there for me durring one of the hardest times in my life. When a person who I thought at the time was my friend stepped out of my life because she just couldn't deal with what had been thrown at me, Loni stood by me and 'held' my hand and supported me and got drunk with me, and cried with me, and did ...um, other things with me. She kept me grounded when my world was falling apart. She was the only person I wanted to talk to when I had to talk to other people. She was just my friend, with no strings attached, through thick and thin. In the middle of everything, I went home with her for awhile. I was there when her and Larry 'hooked up'...in the back seat of my car. Her family became my extended family. Her mom and dad, are just awesome people. There just isn't much negative I could say about Loni...well, while we lived together, she did have some issues with laundry, but I guess if thats all I can say, it can't be that bad. So anyway, my Ode to Blagging turned into my Ode to Loni and I dont care, because I love her and she is and always will be my best friend forever. I love you Loni!

Dammit Makenna GO TO BED!

2008-10-29T20:21:00.000-07:00

I LOVE makenna, I just really don't like the phase she is in now. I wish I could send her somewhere until this passes so I can get my happy-go-lucky, somewhat disciplined little girl back.

It is 10:30 and I just caught her downstairs (who knows where the damn gate lock is) again. Bedtime was 8pm, so we are going on 3 hours of not going to bed. I've tried everything, routine, no naps, spanking, reasoning, and she still gets up and cries/yells/hollars at her gate (when the lock is on) or she sneaks downstairs. The horrible bed time is just the icing on the cake of a looooooong day of her attitude. This has been going on for about 2 weeks now.

Everyone tells me 3 is worse, but I dont even consider this the terrible 2s I've never seen kids act this way. She has gone from a good girl to being an absolute snot. When did 2 year olds start rolling their eyes when told to do something, or saying "No you do it" when told to pick up a mess. If it gets worse, I fear for my sanity. She stresses me out to no end right now. Like I dont have enough going on, now she has turned into the spawn of satan.

Yay me!

Our not so great day at the pumpkin patch...& other pics.

2008-10-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

We went to the pumpkin patch with grandma on Saturday. It was a beautiful day but, for reasons only knows to the princess, she was NOT in the mood. We did end up having an overall good time, but the pictures dont really reflect that. She also ended up in a really good mood because we got to go play with Sammy after the pumpkin patch. Jackson seemed to enjoy the hayrides and seeing all the new sights. He is so fun to watch! The rest of the pics are just miscelaneous shots I've taken this week.

the start of the day...can't you see the joy on her face...lol

it looks like she was smiling, but really shes just being blinded by the sun.

Family pic.

and the last straw...3 generations.

Jack had a good time though!

the other pics.

When the gate fails & Jack-Jack milestones!

2008-10-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

Makenna has figured out how to open the 'ultra child-proof' gate that is on her door. The kind you have to slide the latch over and lift at the same time...yeah...easy as pie now. I think I'll put a child-proof sliding lock on the ultra child proof baby gate and maybe that will deter her escapes again...for now.

Jackson has finally figured out the whole rolling over thing!!! He log rolls now, and I'm already regreting saying anything. So much for a stationary baby! He also laughed repeatedly today! The most awesome sound in the world! I love my baby boy and I'm sad he is growing up so fast. 6 months on Thursday...

10 minutes?

2008-10-13T19:29:00.000-07:00

Makenna is convinced that all deadlines arrive in 10 minutes.

"babygirl, its bed time"~Me
"in ten minutes?"~Mak

"the TV needs to be turned off now"~Me
"in 10 mintues?"~Mak

"munkee, do you need to go potty?"~Me
"in 10 minues."~ Mak

"Makenna, mommy has to go bye-bye for a little bit, I'll be back soon"
"see you in 10 minutes"

And so far, as long as you agree to '10 minutes' (whether its really 5 or 15) she seems to be much more agreeable in return.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just as much as this stage is wearing on me, I LOVE the way her little brain is figuring things out. She says the most grown up things now. We're still working on the 'shut up' thing. Not so much her telling us to SU, but we never realized how often the phrase is used...especially in kid's movies. We got The Incredibles from Netflix and everytime she watches it, she turns to us when one of the characters says SU and says "no, no, {you} don't say shu-up". Also, I think we emphasized the wrong 'lesson'. She still tells me to "hush" or "be quiet" when I'm telling her to do something.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackson is rolling over now! Back to tummy on purpose, and tummy to back, occasionally in his sleep. He is 5 and a half months old. His cousin Jake started rolling over this week too...he is 10wks younger. I can't help but have a twinge of worry about how long it took him, but I know all kids progress at different rates. I am working on his upper body support. He seems to still be quite wobbly in his head control at times and shows no interest in sitting up on his own. Even in the Bumbo chair he is very 'blobish'. I think the problem is I hold him way too often or he spends a lot of time in his swing. Not enough time on the floor learning how his body works. He has is 6 month check up in 2 weeks so hopefully we'll have some new tricks by then.
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I have my job interview tomorrow for the staffing agency. I am going, but I really dont want to find a job through an agency. I also have an initial interview for a senior living facility up the street from us for a move-in coordinator. I'd really like that job, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Megan loaned me some shoes to wear and I have one pair of 'work' pants that fit right now. Not sure what I'm going to do for shirts. I have 2 nice shirts, but that wont get me too far. I might check out the thrift store down the road to see if I can find anything cheap but doesn't look like I bought it from the thrift store. I really hope we can get out of the poor house soon. I hate living there.

lucky me

2008-10-12T00:24:00.000-07:00

I was feeling perfectly fine just a few short hours ago. Now its 2:25am and I woke up at 1:30am with horrible sinus pressure and pain and that lovely nasty thick green gunk oozing from my nose. I can't breathe and I feel like poo. How do I go from perfectly healthy to this in the matter of a couple of hours...and all while I'm asleep???

m-f-w-y-C-R-A-P-v-q

2008-10-11T00:11:00.000-07:00

Today Makenna was playing with her letter magnets and Megan walked into the kitchen and started laughing. She told me to come see what my little prodigy had spelled with her letters. m,f,w,y,v&q are all blue & green, but right in the middle is C-R-A-P in bright yellow and red! She had no clue what we were laughing at, but she thought it was amusing just the same. She even agreed to let me snap a quick pic of her next to her 'wetters'.

This funny little moment is brought to you by the number 2 and the letters C-R-A & P!

pretty pictures...

2008-10-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

...of pretty kids!

Makenna meets the Backyardigans!

The kids at the Farmstead...I just happened to catch a 'happyish' look on Maks face, she was throwing a fit at the time.

My little beauty in her mermaid shades and ice cream face.

Mr. Personality.

Jack's first taste of rice cereal. He'd love it if he could figure out what to do with it!

what my house looks like EVERY DAY!

i dont feel good...purging my brain.

2008-10-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

physically.
emotionally.
mentally.

I hate PMS...

this too shall pass, this too shall pass...

I have an interview next tuesday.
Charlie and I had our fight, but made out on good terms.
Potty training is NOT going so good all of a sudden.
Jack thinks sleeping (naps or night) is not necessary anymore.
I don't remember how I raised Makenna and I'm confused by what to do with Jack.
Jack is the sweetest thing ever and I fall more in love with him everytime I look at him.
Hes talking to me through the monitor right now.
I feel like I've made people mad at me recently and didn't mean to.
I'm missing my friends really bad.
Why do all my friends have to live so far away?
Is missing your best friend a good enough reason to move far away?
(i think so, charlie, not so much)
My other best friend is upset with me b/c I couldn't afford to go to her wedding.
I really want to go to school to prove that i'm not a loser.
Makenna is out with Megan and I miss them both.
I feel sick...but I'm not sick.
I'm exhausted.
Charlie had to take 'my' car b/c the cavalier is out of gas and we have no money for gas.
There is nothing in our fridge or pantry for dinner.
We took Mak to her first trial Gym class and she LOVED it, but we can't afford for her to go.
I still love my husband & i'm glad we made it through our fight & he still held me that night.
Makenna is obsessed with the fish at Bass Pro shop so we're going there AGAIN this weekend.
I'm ready for things to not be so stressful.
It could be worse and I should be thankful for what we do have.

why it affects me.

2008-10-06T12:44:00.000-07:00

I just had an hour long phone conversation with our counselor. Charles and I have a cycle, well many of them actually, that we are having a hard time breaking. The one in question today, is a pretty major one concerning finances...and lack of. We have a good streak of getting along great (usually when there is money in the bank) then it all ends in what I can only discribe as a 'big bang' (when the money is low or non-existent). It sucks to have money control so much of your life, and it sucks even more to have it cause such massive fights that make you want to throw in the towel.
This time, I knew the bang was coming when I checked the bank account and discovered that my very carefully executed plan to not go overdrawn had failed miserably due to some behind-my-back transactions by my husband. I called him and he immediately 'had to go' convieniently. Feeling my blood pressure rise at an amazing speed, I decided to take a different approach. I called our counselor and asked her for help to calm me down. To get me back to 'me' so to speak, with the hopes that we might be able to avoid such a huge fight. I'm so glad I did this, because in our phone session, I realized a lot about myself. I realized that I get so mad (aside from obvious reasons) because this is a cycle that I carry with me from my childhood. I dont think my childhood was bad by any means but a large part of it was hearing my parents fight...a lot...about money. I know Mom reads this, and I'm not going to go into detail, but she knows, she was there. I know what money and lack of it can do to a marriage. I fear this happening to me and my marriage.
I learned that what we fear we allow to control us which is what I have done. By being so fearful of becoming 'my parents' I have become them. Instead of allowing myself to break the cycle, I became comfortable in it and am left with repeating it over and over. Now sure, Charles has a part in this as well, which she will address durring a private session with him, but I can only control how I react in these situations. I also did something I shouldn't have, but to me in my reaction it was the only thing I knew to do to keep this from happening. I cancelled his debit card. He is not aware of this yet, but when he finds out, he is not going to be happy. I wish I would have talked to our counselor first, but whats done is done. She said she understands why I did, but it wasn't fair for me to take full control over the situation without first coming back down to 'me'. However, I know that as much as it will make him mad, he is too compulsive to have access to what little money we have. The only reason we have been overdrawn recently is because of him using his debit card multiple times a day without letting me know.

I am supposed to remember the Serenity Poem in times like this, which honestly, I have attempted to do, but I am going to try to recite it to myself before I fly off the handle in the future...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Oh great...it starts...

2008-10-05T20:14:00.000-07:00

We have been working on words that Makenna has picked up that we would perfer her not use. Thank goodness she hasn't really said any of the 'bad' words yet, but she has started saying "shut up" quite often. Never in a mean way, just something that would slip out here and there while playing. We have tried to limit our use of the phrase and replacing it with "hush" or "be quiet please".
So tonight, after we had a pretty good weekend, we were starting our bedtime routine at normal time, with nothing out of the ordinary. Makenna decided that she wasn't ready for bed. We put her diaper on for bed, and immediately told us "I peed". So we take her diaper off to check and sure enough she peed. Normally, it wouldn't be a big deal, but she had that 'look' in her eye...like this was not an accident. This was a calculated pee. I ask her if she needs to go to the potty anymore before her new diaper gets put on. She says yes. I told her that she needed to go quickly because it was bed time. She goes to the bathroom and slams the door and shouts for us to "yeeme awone". I go in after her and tell her that she is not to talk to mommy and daddy like that and she is deffinitely not to slam the doors. To this she responds at the top of her lungs, clear as day, "SHUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUP!"
Needless to say her bathroom trip was over and she went quickly to bed.

my first ever political rant

2008-09-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

I have never been more educated about an election as I have been about the 2008 election. I am voting for change. I think Obama holds the best hope for our country. I think McCain is a 'mini-Bush' and Palin is just a flat out idiot who has no business even thinking about running our country.

I am terrified of this new 'bail out plan' to help the idiots on wall street at the expense of the little man. So we bail out these big companies who screwed themselves, and in return we get stuck with higher (a lot higher I hear) income tax. But then the economy is still screwed because now the little man's paychecks are greatly reduced to help the rich idiots and there is no money left over to return to the struggling economy. Hello recession. Then the little man who may have had a few bumps in the road of credit, can now never dream of having that house b/c the loans needed to aquire said house have interest rates that are incomprehensible.

Oh well...at least when you rent, you have maintenance free living...that is if you have a landlord that gives a fuck....I love being a little man.

a cruel twist...

2008-09-24T08:38:00.001-07:00

Everyone who knows my husband knows that he has horrible knees. You dont evenreally have to know him to know this, you just have to watch him walk. For years now, he has been living with the pain and being the 'tough guy'. He can't do it anymore. We made an apointment with the Dr who did Mom's knee replacement. Dr. Salin (aka...dr hottie-pants) is a very nice guy. Durring Charlie's first appt with him, he could deffinitely feel somethinns were not right, so ordered an MRI on both knees. The next day we went in and had it done. We were relieved to finally get to a point where they will finally be able to tell him what is wrong and what to do to get them fixed so he won't be in pain anymore. We wait for a few days and finally get a call from Dr' Salin's nurse. Turns out the MRI's were clean...as in they showed NOTHING wrong with his knees. My jaw dropped. I couldn't belive what she just told me. She tells me Dr Salin wants to have Charlie come in for cortizone injections b/c now more than likely the pain is caused by inflamation since nothing showed up on the MRI. I hesitate to call Charlie with the news because A. it wasn't the news we were hoping for, and B. my big bad burly manly man is reduced to a weepy sack of sap at the sight of needles. Reluctantly I call him and relay the news. I can hear the disappointment in his voice. He promised me that he was not making this up and it wasn't all in his head. Which I have never doubted in a million years. We make the appointment for the following Monday for the injections. We get in there and the Dr pretty much tells us he is baffled at the lack of anything on the MRI compared to the pain Charlie is experiencing. After many many questions and I dont know answers, it was time for the shots. My poor hubby. He was terrified! He practically hyperventillated right there on the bed. The Dr was very patient with him and we all remained light hearted. I love this kind of stuff so I watched with excitement... The shots are administered rather quickly. Immediately his right knee feels 100% better. He says its like he just got a brand new knee. The left one however, had no effect. Still as painful as ever. The Dr says give it a couple of hours for the numbing agent to work and a few days for the cortizone to work. Charlie calls me 3 hours later, still no change in his left knee and now his right knee is going back to being just as painful. By that evening, it was like nothing had been done at all. He came home and broke down. I feel awful for him. Being in pain for years, being told there is nothing worng, and the one thing that should 'fix' it did absolutely nothing. The next step is scoping the knees to find the problem. This sucks.

Ok...

2008-09-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

Here is what I am going to do to better our lives.
I am going back to school. Not a quick fix by any means, but in the long run things can only get better. I am going to enter **fingers crossed** the pre/nursing program at johnson county community college. Not exactly sure how I'm going to pay for this, but god-willing, it will happen.
I have filled out the FAFSA form, but am worried b/c last year was a high income year for us. Now with me not working and Charlie losing all of his OT (not to mention about to be out of work b/c of surgery) we're bringing in about 1/4 of what we were bringing in then. However, based on what I entered, they estimate my expected family contribution to be almost $10,000....TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS....What the hell??? Things are NOT the same now as they were last year. So am I screwed as far as getting aid? I really do need it.
My other obstical is math. I am HORRIBLE at math. Give me a novel and I can produce a fine essay about it, give me a few letters and numbers and I can tell you the elements which make up whatever, in fact give me anything but a mathimatecal equation and I can probably figure it out, but give me an algebra question and the likely response from me will be...duh? Numbers just dont add up in my head. I barely graduated with enough credits in HS for math, I tried taking the lowest math course at KU and failed, same thing at Juco a few years back. I just can't figure it out. For the nursing program I have to make a c or above in college algebra. What am I going to do???
All I can do is my best. I know I need to do this. I've never had a family depending on me to motivate me to understand, so hopefully something will click in my head to make all the numbers and symbols have meaning to my brain. I can't really be that math stupid can I???

So thats it in a nutshell. How I am going to save my family from living in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere.

Wish me luck!

What makes it all worth it...

2008-09-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

my beautiful family...

finger painting w/ my friend's boy Caleb (occasional daycare kiddo...LOVE those cheekies!!!)

Makenna's halloween costume...a princess of course...(btw, BAD idea trying it on beforehand. It has been hidden now!..lol)

Jack update~A bit irritated...yet so relieved!

2008-09-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

So since Jackson was born, his pediatrician has been telling us he has to have this surgery before he turns six months. He made it sound like its a matter of Jack being able to have kids or not or developing cancer or not. So naturally we've been worried sick about it. Making sure that we got him in right away to the Urologist like we were told to. Today was the meeting with the Urologist at Children's Mercy hospital and you know what he said to me? "Why are you bringing him in for this already?" At first I was thinking F-You! Then he explained that they RARELY do this surgery before 14months. The only ones he does sooner are ones with special circumstance and medical needs. He takes a peek re-affirms that yes indeed there is not a palpable testicle on his left side and give him a call when Jack is one, and we will go from there. Thanks and have a nice day... I told him the what the pedi said and he said he was going to call him and tell him that there is no rush on correcting this. So all these months of worry and stress have been for absolutely NOTHING!!! I am so upset at his pediatrician for putting us through this. If I didn't like him so much I would switch.

However, can I tell you how relieved I am that we dont need to worry about this for another year! Woo hoo...no cutting on my baby...yet.

He did say that most likely they will have to go through his belly button to find his testi and then go through his abdomen to bring it down which is the outcome we were hoping to avoid, but he couldn't feel it at all. He also told us to be optimistic but realistic and that it probably will not end up dropping on its own.

Walls closing in quickly

2008-09-10T21:21:00.000-07:00

I have so much on my mind lately. I could write it all down, but it would be a novel. But things are about to get a lot harder on us, and considering we're already pretty bad off, I can't wrap my mind around how bad things are going to be. I am desperately looking for evening work and the only probable option I've found is a job that has the hours of 5pm-5am Sun-Wed, on top of watching kids durring the day to make ends meet. So pretty much I'd be working 24 hours straight....wait a minute...when am I supposed to sleep??? But unfortunately I don't have much choice if I want to keep us afloat. See, Charlie has decided he can't take the pain in his knees anymore. I dont blame him, he's gone 5 years with torn ACLs in both knees. This just couldn't be a worse time for him to be off work. But then again, its to the point where it hurts too bad for him to go to work. So for 4-6 weeks at least, he will be out of work...with no money...with bills still coming in... We have plenty of accident insurance that would cover his pay, except this isn't covered under the term 'accident' since the 'accident' happened years ago and he doesn't have short term disabliliy through his work. So the only choice is for me to go to work. I would just work FT durring the night, but I wouldn't make enough so I would still need to watch kids durring the day. And since he'll pretty much be milking the shit out of this ordeal, I'll have to watch our kids, plus daycare kids, plus him, plus take care of the dog, then go to work all night, just to get back home in time for it to start all over again. Its impossible, but I dont know what other choice we/I have. Plus we have Jack's surgery coming up so we are going to have even more medical bills out the wazoo. I just want to scream. I don't know what to do. His 1st appt is Friday at 12:30. Jacks sono appt is tomorrow at 1:15 and we will schedule surgery.

the mommy-do

2008-09-01T19:28:00.000-07:00

I cut all my hair off...well my friend, Tana, cut it actually. I now have the short mommy-do. But thankfully Tana put some pizzaz and 'spunk' into it so its not so 'mommy-ish'. I love it though!!! I just wish that I could recreate the look of fresh out of the salon hair. It never quite looks the same when I do it. I'll try tp get a pic of it tomorrow.

Jack-Jack update

2008-08-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

We had his 4 month check up yesterday afternoon. It went really well. We bypassed the shots since he had just gotten over the fever. We go in on the 2nd for those though. But it should just be in and out. He weighs 14lbs 14oz (48%) and is 25.5in (51%). His head is still measuring small at 16.22in (20%). But as long as its growing its all good. His bump is just a calcium deposit and it will either fade with time or it will be there forever. Nothing to worry about though. The dr tried to manipulate his lil'nutter down and Jack did NOT appreciate that! But the more he messed with it the higher it receeded unto his abdomen. So I got the referral to a Urologist at Children's Mercy and I have an appointment on Sept 11th. They will just do the ultra sound at that point and we will schedule the surgery. I'm just ready to get it all done so I can stop worrying so much about my boy.
I really like Jack's Dr. He has the best bed-side manner of any Dr, pedi or otherwise, that I have ever experienced. He makes me feel so at ease and he is so good with the baby. NOt only does he gush about Jack when we are there, he is very good at re-assuring me and my mothering skills. He holds your hand when he speaks with you and gives a hug when you leave too. He is just super nice. I love his big bow tie too.
Anyway, I will update after his appointment on the 11th.

Its 5:00am and day #2 of no sleep

2008-08-25T02:59:00.000-07:00

My poor baby. He is just miserable. I am going to take him in to the pedi this morning. His fever seems to have subsidded (for now) but his poor tummy is all out of sorts. He tries to throw up, but nothing comes up, he had a diarreha diaper yesterday and that was the last time he poo'd. I can hear his insides just churning and gurgling. He'll wake up from sleep with the most heartbreaking cry I've ever heard and hes pretty much inconsolable for about 20 minutes until he passes out, only to wake up in the same manner 20 minutes later. I'm exhausted and starting to not feel so hot myself. My husband had the audasity to tell me that the 15 minutes of sleep he's gotten aren't doing him any good, but he didn't mean it like that... I'm at my witts end and do not want to watch the heathen child I watch tomorrow. I'm going to make Charlie call in sick so he can stay here with Mak and Lauren while I take the baby in. I need sleep.

2 sick babies in a week

2008-08-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

Last wednesday Makenna was stricken with a pretty fast on-set fever. She threw up a few times moped around for awhile, and then she was all better. I tried to keep the kids 'away' from each other, but it was all in vain. Last night, Jackson spiked a pretty good fever and tried numerous times to get sick, but all he got out were a few good gags. He cried more in the last 24 hours than he has his entire life. I got absolutely no sleep last night as he was so mierable. He was not a happy camper today either. I really hope it goes away as quick as it did with Makenna. His appt is on tuesday and I will not allow them to admisiter shots if he has had a fever within 24 hours.

Jack-Jack's bed

2008-08-21T19:02:00.001-07:00

We bought a beautiful convertible crib for Jackson. Its a lovely dark cherry color and eventually it converts to the toddler bed and finally the full size bed. We have the same type for Makenna. When Makenna turned 3 months old, I put her in her bed. Didn't worry about it. Felt it was the right time. She didn't oppose it either. Fast forward 2 years and 4 months. Jackson is 4 months and well, he is still sleeping in our bed. He starts out in his bassinet next to our bed, but I always find some excuse to bring him closer to me. He fussed (he actually just coo-ed in his sleep), he was fidgeting (he actually was just moving an arm or leg), or he was gassy (he burped or tooted). I don't know why I'm having such a had time moving him to his bed. Its just right across the hall and I have a monitor to listen to him. I know we need him to get used to his bed...and sooner rather than later. I just am having a hard time 'letting go'. Well, tonight, I got his crib all ready for him. I put his blankie that he sleeps on from his bassinet, set up the monitor, got his changing station all ready to go. All thats missing is him. I'm not guaranteeing he'll make it through the night, but at least he's starting out in his own bed. Here's too another night of no sleep...(for me)

getting scared

2008-08-18T20:21:00.001-07:00

Jackson's appt is next tuesday. I'm really worried about this one. At his 2 month check up the Dr said that we would schedule his surgery to drop his testicle at his 4 month check up. I know this is a relatively routine proceedure, but funny thing is NO ONE on any of my on-line parenting community boards, has any experience with it. I've grown to really trust and seek advise from my on-line friends, and to have not one mom know anything about this, really doesn't help my nerves. We have moms from every walk of life that have gone through some pretty insane situations with thier babies and not one person has a son or knows a friend who has a son who has had this surgery. I'm going to post again to my most active boards asking if anyone has any input, because I just need some reassurance. I hate the thought of leaving him in the hospital even though it is out patient, I still get so nervous about it. I have to be the strong one b/c Charlie isn't, so I have to pretend that I'm confident everything is going to be ok. I have to put on the "I know whats going on, so its all ok" act to keep him calm. When we talk about it I can't let on how scared and nervous I am. Even people I try to talk to just brush it off saying "well its pretty routine right, ... so don't worry about it." Not really what I'm looking for. I need someone to listen to how scared I am, however silly or irrational it might be. My baby is going to be put to sleep and cut on. I'm going to have to sign the waiver saying your child could (although not likely) die. I'm NOT ok with this. Yes I understand why it is happening, but its not comforting. I hate this.

6:30

2008-08-17T20:19:00.000-07:00

So evidently Makenna has decided that she does not need a nap anymore. I would actually be ok with this if it didn't mean that around 6:30 she swapped places with her evil twin. She took one nap this past week and every night I was ready to put her to bed at 6:45! She turns into a holy terror. She whines, cries, screams, throws fits, wont listen, answers EVERY question with "NO! we me awone". She spends quite a bit of time in time out after 6:30. I hate 6:30. I've tried bribery, being mean mommy, rocking her, reasoning, waiting until later in the day...everything, and she will not go to sleep. I even have just let her 'rest' on the couch while watching her favorite movie. Still nothing. I hope this is a phase and nap time becomes a part of our routine again...SOON! I used to love 6:30.

hogan~dont read if you have a weak tummy~

2008-08-11T03:32:00.000-07:00

I think he is sick. Well I know he is sick. He started having 'regular' diarrea yesterday around 10am. Not really that big of a deal with him b/c he has always had a sensitive digestive system. However, it has gotten 100 times worse and he is vomiting. We decided to have him sleep in his kennel last night and around 4:00am I couldn't take the non stop barking anymore and went down to tell him to shut up. I was greeted about halfway down the upstairs with that all too familiar smell. By the time I hit the basement stairs, I was scared. I should have been. It was everywhere. The entire bottom of the kennel was covered in feces and vomit. Oh joy. I carry his 60lbs ass up the stairs out to the deck trying very hard not to let him touch anything. I hose him off and go upstairs to get Charles. Its his dog, so his mess I think. That actually went rather well inspite of the PMS (see previous blog entry). So here it is now, 5:38am and the dog is outside wanting desperately to come in, the kennel is clean, Charlie is in the shower, and I'm trying to figure out what to do now. I am going to put a call into the vet once they open. We haven't fed him or given him more than a drink of water since yesterday morning. But it doesn't seem to be easing the problem. I hope that its nothing too serious, b/c we can NOT afford a vet bill right now and if anything happens to Hogan, somehow, according to a certain someone, I know it will be my fault b/c of my on-going strong dislike of the dog. But our son has to have surgery soon and we have to figure out how to not only pay off my medical bills from his birth but now figure out how to pay for these new medical bills...Son or dog....its an easy one for me.

PMS

2008-08-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

I have a new meaning...
Pissed off at the Male Species

I have PMS bad. I always have. Lately it seems to be getting worse. I am pissed off all the time and generally hate the world. My poor husban dunfortunately takes the brunt of it. Like this past week. We had one of the best weekends every last week and I will admit it felt like we were back in the 'honeymoon' phase of our relationship...the one that happens even before there is even talk of a wedding. Lots of connection, lots of love and amazingly enopugh...lots of sex. Fast forward to this week. i hate him! (not really) but you'd think so. I can't make it stop. Yes I can sit here and tell you all about it, and I know it is there, but its like it has this strong hold on me. Kinda like an out of body experience in a way. I'm not proud of it, but I am powerless to control it. I can't go on the pill because well I'd rather be a bitch than bleed all month long. I am going to try to be healthier b/c according to the Mayo clinic PMS can have a lot to do with your diet and excersize (is that spelled right?). So I am going to set a goal for this week of cutting WAAAAY down on my pop intake and maybe beg my mom (if its not being used) to steal the eliptical machine they have in the basement. I've set a goal to lose 50lbs by Christmas, but that was 2 months ago and well....I've done nothing to achieve that goal. So I'm putting it in writing, and you all feel free to ask me how I'm coming along. I'd really like to get teh Nintendo Wii so that I can have the damn computer call me fat! Nothing like a little technological motivation! Ok, Its late and I have to go to bed now...they say sleep deprivation is also a contributor to PMS...gee imagine that, a new mom is cranky because she is tired...

Wanna watch Monsters?

2008-08-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

There are 3 movies that Makenna loves...Monsters Inc, Cars and Little Mermaid. I dont usually let her watch unlimited amounts of tv/movies, but I have noticed that she is completely content watching the same movie over and over again. Right now her favorite is Monsters Inc. The other day I wasn't feeling well, and I asked her what she wanted to watch and she said Monsters. I put it in skipped through all the previews and selected full screen and all was well with the world. She sat in her princess couch and watched. Then it was over she turned to me and in the sweetest most innocent voice asked "watch monsters again?" I said heck with it sure...Mommy was getting to rest on the couch. She proceeded to watch it (not a proud moment) for the rest of the day. I would ask if she wanted to watch little bill or another movie, but she was 100% happy with her monsters. So my daughter watched TV all day and I didn't care. that evening we turned off the tv and played and she was still as smart as she was to begin with so I guess I didn't do too much damage! I am glad that she can be entertained while I need some mommy time to shower or what not and not have to worry about what she is getting into.

disappointed

2008-08-08T20:11:00.000-07:00

If you are representing your country in front of the world, how hard is it to just wear your damn hat like a normal human being? Why is it so imperative that you cock your hat to the side or put it on completely crooked just for the sake of looking like a 'bad-ass'? Every other country that walked out durring the opening ceremony looked like they took pride in their costumes and and country. Enter the US team and a large majority of the male athletes wore their berrets off kilter. I get so sick of seeing ball caps worn this way on the street and in the media, as well as pants hanging down past asses and various other 'bad-ass' fashion statements. It just makes you look like a DUMB-ass.

~removing myself from soapbox...

FIL rant

2008-08-07T19:29:00.000-07:00

I'm so sick of Charlie's father. I've worked to repair our relationship since everything went down at the wedding, but I'm so tired of him letting Charlie down. Charlie is such a trusting person and would walk on water for his father, but unfortunately, the feeling is not mutual. He is a very selfish man who cares about one thing...drinking. Sure, he puts on a good front when he once in a blue moon comes to visit the babies, but even that is like pulling teeth. He would rather us pack up the kids, and drive all the way out there to see him. Even though, they have 2 incomes and just themselves, he still thinks we, with one income, 2 kids, and no money, should come out there. Not to mention they see no problem smoking in front of the kids. I have forgiven him for hurting me, but I have a harder time forgiving him time after time for hurting Charlie. Like for instance, when he sold OUR harley. We were going to sell it out right but his Dad said he would buy it from us so that we could still 'have' it and eventually when we were able pay him back. But instead of giving us that chance, he sold it behind our backs...for more money than he gave us for it I might add. The bike had a lot of sentimental value for Charlie as it was what helped him cope after the sudden death of his mom. His Dad has no clue how much it hurt Charlie, and I'm about 99% sure he really gives a shit. This all happened shortly after Makenna was born, but the pain is still there. Now he has his Harley, which he tells Charlie he can ride anytime...the only thing is...he wont take care of it. He didn't get it tagged, and then refused to take care of it properly over the winter and now it doesn't work. Why didn't he get rid of his bike if he didnt care about it? Why did he have to take the one material item that meant the most to Charlie and throw it away? Because he is a PIG. I have very little if any respect for this man. I only wish Charlie wouldn't be so forgiving. I hate seeing him hurt.

Jackson's 0-3 month montage

2008-08-06T11:57:00.001-07:00

Jackson 0-3 months

Going green.

2008-07-31T08:56:00.000-07:00

After much research and contemplation, I have decided to switch Jackson to cloth diapers. I am starting out slow, as I need to build my supply of CDs. Its not like it was back in the 'old' day. Now there are so many brands of covers and types. I have a good friend who is giving me a few to try out and I'm getting some from a lady on craigslist. I have about a half pack of disposables left and it is my goal to not have to buy any more. Oh and they dont use safety pins anymore! There are these great new contraptions called Snappies! They just hook to all parts of the diaper to give a good hold! I'm actually pretty excited about this whole thing! Plus its going to save a TON of money! I've been pretty lucky b/c the pack of diapers we have left is actually the first one I had to buy b/c we got so many pakages from people when he was born. Not so much looking forward to cleaning the poopies but, hey, for the money I'm saving, I can deal. Now to train Daddy on the fine art of Cloth Diapering...lol

Yay...100th post! & tons of Lake pics

2008-07-29T09:01:00.000-07:00

my husband is too good for sunscreen...lol

Patty can you hear me! lol

2008-07-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize I had it set so only members could comment! I changed it so hopefully you can leave comments at will now!

I love (and miss!!!) my Wichita Family!!!!

Just curious...

2008-07-27T21:20:00.001-07:00

Does anyone even read this?

Back from our trip.

2008-07-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

It wasn't the great fun time I was hoping to have. Somehow I ended up, yet again, being screwed over on 'cutting loose'. Makenna was a holy terror throwing fit after fit. Jack slept most of the time. I didn't get any sleep. Charlie...well...we wont go there just yet. I'll post pics once I get them uploaded.

We're goin' on a trip, We're goin' on a trip...

2008-07-22T13:07:00.000-07:00

If you have Noggin, you know the song I've got stuck in my head right now. If not, just think of your average everyday annoying kids song, and there you have it!

The cool thing is Makenna sings this and then with all the excitement my little girl can muster, screams that "we going on a trip to the lake!" and then she goes "woo hoo!" in a really high pitch screechy voice. It really is too cute!

We have been talking to her about going to the lake and I'm not really sure if she really knows what we're talking about, but she knows Mommy and Daddy are excited, so it must be fun! We are leaving friday afternoon for another excitement filled weekend at the Batson's place. I have to find a life jacket for Jackson first though or Mommy and Jack-Jack will be land bound, and Mommy's favorite thing about the lake is the boat, so we don't want that!

another kid.

2008-07-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

No, not yet.

BUT, even though I realize it wont be for awhile...(hopefully)...we agreed to have at least one more kiddo. This has been something that has really been bothering me. Before Charlie and I were married, we had the whole 'how many kids' discussion. He wanted the offensive line for a football team. I said um, I'll have 2-3 but you're on your own for the rest...

Fast forward to September 2007. I'm 2 weeks past 8 positive pregnancy tests (yes, I was in denial). He tells me that he adamently does NOT want any more kids after this one. In fact, he had been meaning to tell me that he wasn't sure about having any more after Mak. But Mother nature took care of that one...THANK GOD!

So ever since then we've kind of skirted the topic, but both being adamant of the opposite thing, never really 'talked' about it. With the help of months of couseling, learning how to talk with each other, and growing up in general, we found ourselves this evening having a very in-depth serious conversation about the possibility of future children. We discussed our reasonings for and against and ultimately came to the conclusion, that in fact, we both want at least 1 more, but not for a while. I know that we can't tell what the future will hold, but at least we both know where we stand on the topic.

By the way, one of his reasons against having more kids, is he will be too old...

Charlie turned the big three-oh (30) today! happy birthday my love!

A Mother's Prayer

2008-07-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

Help me dear Lord, as a mother, I pray

And bless these hands folded in prayer today;

May they be ever strong as they guide, as they teach,

Beings never too far for a child to reach.

May they never, with selfishness, try to dissuade,

Nor too quickly punish, nor too slowly aid.

May they point out the pleasures in laughter and song,

And may they show, wisely, the right from the wrong,

So that one day I'll know that I've helped all I can

To make her a woman, to make him a man

Good things come to those who wait....

2008-07-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

Still waiting very patiently...

there might possibly be a job position opening up for charlie that would make life so much easier. the hours are great...40/wk, and the pay is amazing. we don't know when the position 'might' open, but a friend of ours currently works for the company and he will let us know. the only thing is they are deciding if they want to hire from within the company, or hire someone new. obviously we're praying they want outsiders! please please please let it happen!!!!!

pictures. pictures. pictures

2008-07-07T06:35:00.000-07:00

at the parade w/ some of her 'loot'...

the little girl she met while at the parade. deep in coversation.

mmmmm...lollipop!

playing with daddy before the fireworks.

Mak and her hat.

Makenna and Papa

the kids in their 4th of July gear.

My lil'man

Future's lookin' bright...

see the cup....nuf said...

daddy said the hat made him look like a girl...i don't think so.

Papa and Mak playing.

us.

watching firworks.

fireworks.

and introducing Jacob Alexander!

The MOST exciting 4th of July EVER!!!

2008-07-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

The 4th started out great! We went to the Lenexa parade with mom. Makenna had such a great time...once it finally got started. She loved the Shriner mini-cars, and the fire truck, but her most favoritest thing in the whole wide world was the candy that kept falling from the sky! lol. I dont think she ever quite figured out where all the candy was coming from, but she thuroughly enjoyed it. She made a friend there and they chit-chatted the whole parade and pointed things out to each other and shared their candy treasures! It was too cute! After the parade we went home for naps and waited for Papa to get off work so we could all go see the fire works. We got out to the place at about 4:30. I thought there would have been a lot more stuff for the kids to do, but there was only an inflatable slide that Makenna went down about 500 times and a little blow up maze thing that was pretty lame...even Mak didn't care for it. At about 7:00 we got a call from my brother saying Terri was in full on labor!!!!! They were heading to the hospital. We decided to stick around for the firworks b/c Makenna was so excited about them. The display was magnificent. Makenna wanted to go bye-bye when they first started but after a couple of minutes, she was a-ok and clapping and oooing and awwing. After they were over, we packed up and headed to the car. We waited about 30 minutes before even attempting to leave and finally at 11pm, we were on our way to the hospital! When we arrived, we had only time to go in quickly say hello and leave because she was ready to start pushing. At 11:38pm on Friday, July 4th, 2008, Jacob Alexander Coleman made his debut! He is absolutely gorgeous!!! Terri did awesome (only 3 pushes!) and she and baby are doing great!

...stay tuned for lots of pics!

So excited for the 4th!

2008-07-03T20:49:00.000-07:00

I dont know why but I just absolutely love the 4th of July! This year I decided we are deffineitly going to do something. The past 4 years we've ended up going to fireowrks, but I wished we could have taken advantage of some of the festivals in town. We are going to Corporate Woods this year. I've been told that it is a pretty good time. I really wanted to go to Riverfest, but my father has something against the river and talked me out of it...ah well. Grandma and Papa are going with us of course! Makenna is so excited about tomorrow too! There is a parade in town in the morning and then we will come home for naps and get everything ready to spend the rest of the day at CW. I got the kids really cute outfits and I can't wait to take cute pics of them! The weather is also supposed to be absolutely gorgeous! High of only 80! Woo Hoo! Everyone have a safe and fun 4th!!!

It is insanely hot in our house!

2008-07-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

Our A/C has been out since thursday. Our landlord has sent over the maintenance guys, but they couldn't get it working. They are coming back tomorrow to install a new one supposedly (which probably translates into a unit that is old from another location, that may or may not work). But this is rediculous. Poor Makenna just woke up screaming and I went up to check on her and the poor kid was drenched in sweat and her sheets are completely soaked. Good thing Steve(landlord) has a nice cool house in Hallbrook while his tenants are sweating their asses off. Must suck to be rich and not have to care about the little people... I know he is a 'friend' of Dad's but its really sad that he is treating us this way. Dad is going to go to his office tomorrow and ask him what the hell is going on.

Homework...

2008-06-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

Charlie and I have assigned ourselves nightly homework. We will sit down on the couch everynight whether or not the kids are asleep, awake, behaving, (more than likely) mis-behaving, and reflect, WITH EACH OTHER, on our days. Tonight was our first night, and it was so nice to connect just for a few minutes. Although I kind of ruined it when I showed him the horrible 'thing' I have growing on my leg at the moment and he went to bed saying he felt 'sick'...lol

Not so good Jackson update.

2008-06-27T22:40:00.001-07:00

We had Jack's 2 month check up. He is doing well in the growing dept. 11lbs 5.5oz, & 24.25" so hes tall and skinny! But his head is not growing at the 'normal' rate. In fact, it hasn't grown since his 2 week check up. The Dr, is goign to monitor it and as long as it starts growing there is nothing to worry about. Jackson also has a bump on his forehead. The dr isn't too concerned about the bump itself, but the area around it is not typical of what he thinks it is, so he is also going to keep a close eye on that. Then, the icing on the cake....his left testicle has still not dropped. The Dr said if it wasn't down by now, it most likely wont, and at his 4 month appt, we will have to schedule surgery to correct it. I am so scared, sad, worried and upset. It seems like there are so many things that the Dr wants to keep a close eye on and it makes me so nervous. As a mom, you can't help but think the worst. I just want my baby boy to be healthy. He also got 4 shots today and one oral vaccination. He is more cranky tonight than he has ever been. He doesn't even want to snuggle me like he usually does and I really want to snuggle him. I feel like my cup is about to overflow. I have so much on my mind, the last thing I expected was a not so good routine trip to the pediatrician. Keep my Jack-Jack in your thoughts and prayers please...

I survived! & funny Mak story.

2008-06-27T22:32:00.000-07:00

And amazingly enough...I am still sane!

This week was a long stressful one, but I'm still here. Makenna had a hard time adjusting to having the kids at the house. She never has really been jealous around or b/c of Jackson, but having 3 new kids at the house was a bit much for her. She did a lot of "my mommy"s and all the toys were "MINE!" and she even threw in a few "shut up baby"s in there as well. Something I have never heard before...

I also witnessed her first correct usage of a 'bad' word. The 4 month old I watch is a VERY fussy baby, pretty much cries constantly for no appearant reason. I had her down for the nap and I had just heard her wake up and start crying. All of a sudden Makenna gets up from her show walks through the room and says "shit". I didn't say anything, b/c I was sure she must have been saying something that just sounded like it...But oh no, next thing I know, she is at the foot of the stairs yellling at baby Lauren to be quiet! I lost it at that point...I realized that baby Lauren had interruped her Backyardigan's and she was NOT happy! She did not understand why I found so much humor in it...LOL

I want my Charlie back.

2008-06-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

The guy that I fell in love with. The guy that actually put effort into making me happy. The one who was there for me when I needed him most and let me be there for him in his darkest hours. I want the person who I could dream out loud with and not sound like an idiot. I want my fun-loving, harley riding, I love my girl, guy back.

I don't know who sleeps in bed with me anymore...

Decisions.

2008-06-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

I find myself facing a very difficult decision. I have the power, but am not sure which path to choose. Which is best for me and my family. One path might be easygoing at first but rockier in the long run, or the other might start off really rocky, but be smooth sailing around the bend. Without a crystal ball, I have no way of knowing. The thing is, I feel like I'm already on the rocky path, looking, HOPING, around every bend for it to get smoother, but alas...more rocks...even mountains. So do I stick with it, and hang on to the hope? However diminished it seems? Or jump paths and risk that the grass may not in fact be greener...

decisions...decisions...

I think...wait...I know I AM insane!

2008-06-21T20:24:00.001-07:00

Starting Monday, I will be watching 5 kids. for a week. Yes, I just said F-I-V-E. And the really insane part...3 of them will be under 1 year old. I will have Jack- 2 mos, Lauren- 4 mos, and Caleb- 11 mos, Makenna- (terrible) 2, and last be deffinitely not least Jonathyn, 7 years. Usually Makenna goes to Kim's house 2 days/wk, but she is going to be out of town this week. Jonathyn and Caleb are brothers and Jonathyn is my regular daycare kid and Caleb goes to Kim's house as well for babysitting, so their mom, (my friend Alisha) asked if I could watch Caleb as well. Jonathyn is pretty easy. They live across the street, so all his neighborhood buddies play outside all day! Lauren is my new daycare kiddo that starts Monday. She came on Thursday for about 3 hours and she is deffinitely high-maintenance. I think she quite possibly has been held since she was born. She will quickly learn that that is not possible here. She will be fine though. She is just REALLY loud when she is not happy! Caleb, I'm not worried about. He is such a cutie! He can be loud too, but he's just a boy. The only kid I'm not looking forward to having in this whole mess, is (ashamedly) Makenna. She has been so rotten lately. I really hope all the kids will keep her company and occupied.

God give me the strength to make it through to Friday alive!!!

Also, I am hosting a get-together monday night for Emily to show off her pictures from Colombia. I am excited, but I am going to be exhausted!

feeling ugly.

2008-06-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not following my stay positive post for a minute.
I just feel really ugly lately. Like pretty much repulsive. I look in the mirror and just want to cry. I dont know how I ended up looking like this. I realize I just had a baby, but thats just an excuse to make me feel better. Then on top of everything, Charlie and I still haven't...um...well you know...since long before I had the baby, and tonight I thought might be the night. I asked him if he wanted to go to bed...together...without the baby... and he said NO. I know he is tired, and his knees hurt, but he has given me so much shit the past few months about me not...well...you know, and for him to turn me down tonight just really kind of sucked. I know that I should at least go talk to him and tell him how I'm feeling, but I know that I can't do that without turning into a big pile of hormonal blubber...literally. All I can think is I must be so nasty, no wonder he doesn't want to be 'with' me...even though I know its not true. I'm just really feeling sorry for myself right now and I hate it.

I LOVE this time of year!

2008-06-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love the spring time storms we get here! I remember being a kid and the tornado sirens going off and instead of going down to the basement, we'd follow dad out to the front yard to stand on the old tree stump and watch the storm blowing in.
Fast forward 20 yrs and not much has changed...tonight with sirens blazing, i'm out on the master bedroom balcony trying to get the best shot of the storm rolling in!
Heres what I ended up with...

We're 'officially' poor enough!

2008-06-10T12:14:00.000-07:00

This morning we had an appointment at the WIC office. With us now having four people to support off of one income, we are 'officially' poor. We qualify for WIC which will be a god-send since formula and everything else for that matter is rediculously expensive these days. Now I have to figure out how to WIC-shop. Oh, and they had to prick Makenna's and my finger today for our iron levels. Makenna of course freaked out as soon as we walked into a room that even remotely resembled a Dr's office. The a-hole lab tech said we should do her finger first, but I said no, it makes more since to do mine first so that I can console her after its all done. He rolled his eyes and said 'whatever' I swear, why do people have to be like that. I'm her friggin' mother, I know what is best for her. So the finger prick was painless, but she freaked out none-the less, and then said through her tears 'it not hurt, i'm alright', and she was all better when he gave her the boo-boo button (band-aid). Then just the normal bored 2-year old behavior kicked in as we were there for over 2 hours! But I am so relieved that we will at least be getting help buying the formula. Now to figure out how to pay for diapers and everything else we need!

The last 4 years...

2008-06-09T11:48:00.001-07:00

My Montage 6/9/08

Staying positive...

2008-06-07T23:12:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try to keep my blog positive from here on out. No more rantings about my husband, no more poor me complaints about motherhood, and no more bitching in general. I do way too much. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, so I'm going to try to do something about it. I have the two most beautiful perfect children in the world, and a husband that despite his...um..'quirks', loves me unconditionaly. Life really isn't that bad.

So on that note...

Jackson has the most beautiful smile ever!

This is getting hard

2008-06-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

This mom of 2 thing is getting tough. I'm at a point where I just want to crawl in a deep dark hole and pretend I don't have children, or a husband, or any type of responsibility for that matter. I love the kids "to the moon and back" (notice exceprt from 'Guess How Much I Love You'...Mak's new favorite book) but I feel so run down. If one's not crying the other is. If one's sleeping, the other is awake...and this goes for the nights as well. I feel like the walking dead. Coupled with terrible twos, and feeding issues with a newborn and going through some tough personal crap in counseling, I feel like I'm on the verge of failure. Not necessarily failure as a mother, but like a full system shut-down type of failure. My patience is tested before anything even happens. I think I'm a good mom. My kids are healthy and happy well taken care of and seem to be well adjusted. But I on the other hand am a mess and getting worse by the day. Not to be gross, but I dont even remember the last time I showered...Ok it was Friday before the runion...Wow thats gross. Ok, my one and only goal tomorrow is bathing! No wonder Jackson cries whenever I hold him...I STINK! Poor kid.
Makenna's new favorite word is "mine" and it seems like anything and everything I touch is hers. News to me! So that triggers tantrum upon tantrum throughout the day. Time out sort of works...but its having less and less of an affect. And I have never seen a child so un-bothered by a smacked bottom. I get the 'Is that the best you've got?' look from her everytime. So I dont even bother. I need SuperNanny to come visit to tell me how to deal with a child who could care less if she spent all damn day in time out! Ok, enough of the rants. I gots to go to bed...Jack will be up in 45 minutes.

We're home!

2008-05-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

Finally after moving out of the apartment over 2 months ago, we are home! We have moved in COMPLETELY and unpacked EVERYTHING!!! I can't believe it! I LOVE our new home. It is perfect...sans the no A/C at the moment...but that will be fixed ASAP. Our furniture all fits, Makenna loves her new room, Jackson's nursery is FINALLY all set up and ready to go. I love our kitchen! Even though this place is in more like an apartment community, it feels more like a home than anywhere else we've been. I'm proud of our new place. I'll be proud to show people when then come over. We have room to breathe here. Makenna has room to play and our deck outside is like a little Mak size playground. I'll post pics once I get everything tidied up a bit and get the last few odds and ends cleaned up and put away. I can finally breathe a sigh or reliefe. Finally tings feel 'right'...

sister Em

2008-05-27T21:57:00.000-07:00

I miss my sister. I'm not sure why exactly I'm missing her so much now, its not like we really hang out all that often, but now that shes gone for two weeks in another country, all I want to do is talk to her. I really feel for my good friend and her sister living half way around the world from each other. At least Em will be back shortly. Emily is the kind of person I need around when I'm feeling down. Not because she sits there and lets me cry on her shoulder, but because she makes me do something about it. Shes more of a "if you dont like something, get off your ass and try to change it, dont sit and wallow in self-pity" kinda girl. i've always admired that about her. She may be younger than me by 4 years, but she is someone I really admire and look up to. Come home soon and safe Em! I need you...

BTW..she is in Columbia, South America visiting her boyfriends family. She flew out of Bogota the night before the earth quake hit.

PPD...

2008-05-17T19:31:00.000-07:00

So at the urging of our counselor I am calling my Dr. to talk about my symptoms of Post-Partum Depression.

It sucks.

Enjoy...more to come!

2008-05-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry couldn't get the link to work to put it in...just click here :

http://s32.photobucket.com/albums/d32/liz311w/?action=view&current=7a02ffaf.pbw

The mother of all updates...

2008-05-10T19:48:00.000-07:00

So I'm the mom of 2 kids now...

Jackson Charles Lister was born at 4:38pm on Thursday April 24th, 2008, weighing in at 7lbs 14oz and 20inches long.

For the most part it was an uneventful labor, until Jack decided to squeeze his cord so tight that his heart almost stopped beating...very scary! I thought I lost my baby before I even had a chance to hold him. Nothing like going from a nap to every buzzer in the room going off and every Dr on the floor running into your room muttering about emergency c-sections and what not. Thank God they got him back with out having to go that route. He was born with the cord around his neck and a bit blue, but he came out screaming and what a beautiful sound it was!

I got my epidural pretty much as soon as the pain started and I was able to relax and actually enjoy my labor! I love me an epidural!!! When it was time, I pushed for about 15 minutes and out my little man came! After he was born, I felt great! I was ready to get out of the hospital that night, but the nurses and mid-wife had other thoughts of course. But I seriously felt wonderful. Nothing like I felt after having Mak. All the days since then too have been great!

It feels surreal that I had a baby 2 weeks ago. Its wierd, kind of like something is missing. I remember being so run down and exhausted in the days after Makenna was born and feeling like the walking dead, but not once have those feelings bothered me this time around. Sure, I'm tired and missing sleeping, but its nothing like before. It shouldn't be this easy...right? I tell you what though, if I could be guaranteed labors and deliveries like that everytime, I could pop rug rats out all the time!

Since Jacks arrival, things have been crazy though. Makenna actually took rather well to her little brother! At first she didn't know quite what to think, but she quickly warmed up to him and now showers 'Jackey' (as she calls him) with hugs and kisses everytime she walks by. Its so sweet!

We are officially moving now! We got the nasty phone call from our landlord and referred him to our attorney. Hopefully we will be moving next weekend. I thought moving when I was 9 months preggo was hard, but I think its going to be even harder with a toddler and a newborn. I feel horrible having to put Makenna through another move. She doesn't understand what is going on at all. Her room is going to be a lot smaller in the condo though and I think that will be good for her. Her room here is way too big for her and its rather intimidating to her I think. I will paint her new room pink and put up her princess castle and put her deflated Pablo balloon on the wall and hopefully that will make it 'her' room where she feels safe and secure. Jack's room will finally get put together too! I can't wait to have an actual nursery for him! I can't wait to pick up his crib and put his bedding in it! We are painting his room to match the brown in his crib set.

Lets see...what else has gone on...
I think thats about it in a nut shell. I will post pics in the near future.
Thanks to everyone for your well wishes and positive labor vibes! They worked!

I'm having a baby tomorrow!!!

2008-04-23T20:11:00.000-07:00

And I'm freaking out!

Its going to hurt like hell...
I'm never going to sleep again...
Makenna is going to hate me...
My husband isn't going to help out...
We are going to be so broke it isn't funny...
and...
we are moving again very soon.

Can't wait!

Ok pity party is now over.

I am excited though. I can't wait to see who Jackson looks like and what kind of personality he has...(please God let him be like Mak) I got a baby swing today! Terri and I went to Babies R Us and there was one on clearance that was returned w/o a box so it was nicely discounted. She offered to pay half of it for our welcome baby gift! I love her! Makenna has already gotten in trouble for playing on it, so I can tell things are going to be fun...

Bettter get some rest! We have to be at the hospital at 6:45am...Yay!

6 days to go...

2008-04-18T18:55:00.001-07:00

Jackson will be born at the very latest Thusday April 24th!!!

I had my last appt on thursday and once again, by BP is high again. This time though, it didn't come down after resting. My midwife wanted to induce me ASAP, but since I am suffering from a horrendous cold, she scheduled me for next thursday for induction. She also put me on modified bed rest which means staying off my feet as much as possible. I am cutting back my hours at work from here out, but not by much since my work load isn't really demanding anyway. I am just leaving a couple hours early each day to try to get some extra rest. We sort of have everything ready. Jackson's crib still hasn't arrived yet, which isn't that big of deal since he wont even be using it for awhile. My friend Alisha loaned us a bassinet and we have the pack'n'play bassinet set up next to our bed. We'll use Alisha's down stairs. We are supposed to be packing my 'to go' bag, but that isn't happening... but I wont go there right now...

In other news...
It looks like we will be moving again very soon. Like in 3 weeks or less. Nothing like moving when you're 9 months pregnant then turning around and moving again with a brand new baby! There are just too many issues we are having with the house. We have a lawyer taking care of everything, so hopefully things will go smoothly. Actually, we will most likely be moving into the rental condo that this lawyer happens to have available! (He is my dad's buddy) So things look like they are going to be a lot better... I'm convinced that it is the house that is making me sick since I am NEVER sick and I've pretty much been sick since we moved and Makenna has had it and so has Charles. Plus we have mice the size of small rats here....LOVELY!

2 steps forward, 4 steps back...

2008-04-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

I know I am heated right now, so I probably am not going to be very nice, but I am so angry and disappointed with my husband right now. I can not trust him to put us, as in our family, as his priority. I can't trust him to do the things he says he is going to do. I am so upset about how he has excuses for everything. I'm incredibly hurt that he says he doesn't want me doing all these things around the house and tells me that he will get them done, but just like clockwork, I end up doing them b/c (as in the case of this evening) he 'fell asleep'. How am I supposed to trust him when he will not keep his promises and uphold his end of HIS bargains. My ankles are the size of Texas, and they have been since yesterday. I have been busting my ass to get all the laundry caught up and done this week and there were only 2 loads left to do. We had girls night tonight, which I ended up taking Makenna to, not because Charles was working late, but because he wanted to be able to get the rest of the laundry done without worrying about her. I call him on my way home and SHOCKER he tells me I just woke him up and "gee babe, I didn't get anything done"...So not only do I miss out on my one evening out alone after busting my ass all week, the shit that he promised to get done was left for me to take care of...AFTER I got Mak down for bed. There is a bunch of other crap too, but this is enough for now I think. I tried to have a conversation like what we've been practicing in counseling for forever, but as soon as I say why I am upset, he jumps into the same ol'BS of "I'm talking to him like a dog"... We don't have counselling this weekend, but I'm seriously considering calling her and seeing if we can squeeze in a meeting this week sometime. We have had such a good streak, and I dont want to ruin it, but this is rediculous. I tried everything exactly the way she has taught us and it went straight back to how it was before we even started the counselling...so does this mean that all this time, money and stress has been for nothing?

Its 3:41am and I'm awake...

2008-04-16T01:41:00.000-07:00

I woke up about a half hour ago, and can't go back to sleep. My feet are so swollen I look like I have Shrek feet. I forgot to take off my wedding ring before bed, so my poor finger looks like a sausage stuffed beyond capacity and I can't get the ring off. I had to pee, so I went, but then I was soooooooooo thirsty, so I chugged another big glass of water, which means I will be up peeing in an hour again anyway.
Makenna has been throwing HUGE tantrums at bed time all of a sudden. Like to the point where I thought she was going to make herself sick tonight the way she was carrying on. I feel so bad for her, I'm sure all these changes with the new place, getting everything ready for Jackson and her becoming a big girl are just messing with her head. She has been wanting to rock everynight. As long as we rock her, she is ok, but if we try to go to bed w/o the rocking, the tantrum begins. But I dont really want to have to go back to rocking her every night. I haven't done that since she was about 1. Although, I guess rocking her isn't that big of a deal. I just hate to get into the habit to the point where she WILL NOT go to sleep on her own again. She has always been such a great bed time kid so I'm deffinitely not used to this.
Ok, its 3:50 am now, so I am going to attempt to go back to sleep...although my bedroom is up all those stairs, so I might just crash on the couch the rest of the night.

Nesting is in full effect...

2008-04-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely freaking exhausted after spending a large portion of the day at Power Play for Sammy's 5th birthday party. Makenna had a great time! When we got home, we had Mom over for dinner then she left and something just clicked in me. I HAD to get his room ready and the bassinet set up in our room and another load of his laundry done. I hung up all his clothes in the closet. Mak and I put all his tiny little diapers in the basket on the changing table. I got Maks room 'sort of' organized, got her clothes on hangers and got another load of her laundry ready. Then I cleaned the kitchen spotless (which I have to do anyway since we discovered mice now). I cleaned up the living room and got it organized. The playroom is a mess, but all of the toys are in there now. So I guess for the most part, Jackson can come home now if he would like...Please Jack, come out! 14 days until my 'official' due date. But I will be having my membranes stripped on Thursday, to hopefully get the ball rolling. I was 3 cm as of last thursday. I was supposed to have my midwife strip them then, but when I got in my blood pressure was sky high so they had me lay on my side for about 30 minutes and in that time he manuevered himself up high enough to where she couldn't reach high enough to strip them. My bp went back down to normal though, so no worries. I can't wait to have this kiddo! I can't wait to see what/who he looks like. I pray that he has the same temperment as Mak did as a newborn. Well we'll find out soon enough!

Tough day in counseling...

2008-04-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

Not between Charlie and I, but I made some pretty deep discoveries about myself. I have a major control issue, which we have been working on. I have to be in control or I dont't feel safe. This just lightly tickles the surface of how deep things got today. It was kinda scary to hear some of the things that I was saying/realizing about how things that had happened in the past, which had nothing to do with my husband, are pretty much getting in the way of my marriage. I had no trouble at all admitting that I am a control freak...I am. But when our counselor asked me to go deeper into why I 'have' to be in control, things got really hard. Its very hard for me to talk about, I don't really want to talk about it. I thought that the things that happened in my childhood I had moved past. I really didn't think that they were affecting me to this day. Whats even more scary is there are things that NO ONE knows about, that I know are going to come out soon. The good thing is, I actually am glad we are going to explore these things, and that my husband, my best friend, is going to be there with me and for me. I actually feel like I can talk about it with him. Things have been so great between us these past couple of months. Our counselor even told us the last time we had a 'bad' week was in early february! Its very refreshing to feel like we do have a future together and it is going to be good! I know I'm not perfect and he knows he isn't perfect, but we are perfect for eachother. I know I'm oozing cheese, but today I felt something from Charlie that made me feel so safe and sure of us. I can't describe it, but all I know was it was exactly what I needed.

Bitchy pregnant girl rants...

2008-04-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, I really dont know how much longer I can take this. I am officailly one of those 'I hate being pregnant' women. I can honestly say this may be the last kiddo for us. It is 10 past midnight and I am up b/c I have the worst case of restless leg syndrome and I can not get to sleep. I had it with Mak too, but not nearly this bad. Its so bad it makes me nauseas. Also I think my kid has an horn or something, because it feels like he is about to stab his way out of my woo-hoo. Then there is the indegestion, the 'other' bathroom ailments, and just the general crampiness that I keep praying is the start of something worthwhile, but instead just turns out to be the 'other' bathroom ailment. I'm ehxausted, cranky, and generally going nuts.
I have pretty much checked out of work. I'm trying to stay focused, but I'm so damn tired all day, I can't really guarantee that things are being done right. (sorry Tammy) I wish I could just go on maternity leave, but I have to work up until delivery b/c...well....we're po-folk...and maternity leave is deffinetly not paid.
I am going to request that the mid-wife strip my membranes tomorrow at my appt. Then I am going to make Charles have lots of sex with me, and then I am going to walk up and down the VERY steep stairs in our new place. Short of drinking Castor Oil, I'll try anything at this point.

Chuck E Cheese Hell! (& other updates)

2008-04-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

Oh my god! NEVER AGAIN!!!!

Makenna had a good time at her birthday party though, so thats all that matters! I have a 2 year old child now! I can't believe it. She has had a very 'big girl' week! She started sleeping in her big girl bed, she stopped using her binky, and she pooped in the potty for the first time! She never ceases to amaze me and she is so stinkin' smart! ...and a bit of a smart-ass too already. She gets it from her daddy of course!

We are finally getting settled into the new house. the lower level is 90% done. I still need to get the kids rooms done. We will probably get paint next weekend and get Jack's room and the kitchen done. I have about a billion loads of laundry to do too, but whatever. I'm exhausted.

I am so over being pregnant. It HURTS! I never had this much pain with Mak. I am 2 cm dilated already, so hopefully not much longer until Jackson arrives. I am officially miserable. Now that we are past Makenna's birthday, we are going to try ALL of the 'natural induction' methods...so any ideas??? I WILL NOT drink castor oil though!

Obviously we are set up on the net again...thank god! I missed it!

Hope everyone is well!

Moving day...not so good.

2008-03-22T06:44:00.000-07:00

We are theoretically moving today. I say that because, for some unknown to us reason, the house isn't done yet. Even though the lease was drawn up with us taking posession on the 21st, the maintenance on the house was not finished. Also lastnight Charlie went by and discovered a very large hole in the basement carpet. (when we first walked the place, there was a refrigerator strategically placed in that exact spot) The broker told him "well, just put a rug over it"...NOT ACCEPTABLE!!! We still have until the end of the month at the apartment. I really hope we dont have to make any drastic decisssions, but we feel like we are not getting the kind of service we should be getting paying as much as we are for this place. We didn't even want to take posession until the last weekend in March, b/c or the cost, but we were pressured to take it earlier b/c of how long it was between being approved and when we wanted to move. So now here we are packed and ready and the place isn't. I'm really not happy about this.

If Jack comes early...

2008-03-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

IT'S CHARLIE'S FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After all the promises and agreeing that we needed to finish packing tonight...guess who got it done...I'll give you a hint...there are only 2 of us and it WASN'T HIM!!!!
Arghhhhhhhh.

And I have been having HORRIBLE pains since last night. I'm 80% sure they aren't contractions, but I've also been having some pretty funky globs of discharge since last night as well. The pressure is so intense it knocks the breath out of me at times. I'm calling the midwife first thing in the morning if I'm still having issues. I'm not due to see her again until next friday. Someone said he might just be engaging...I hope thats all it is. But i hope it stops soon! It hurts! and I have way too much to do this weekend to worry about the baby coming.

I did order his bedding last night though and I'm super excited about that!

addicted

2008-03-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

Hello, my name is Liz and I am addicted to Craigslist.org. I've had this problem for going on 3 years now. I first discovered the site while I was pregnant with my now almost 2 year old daughter. My day begins with me getting up, grabbing a quick bite to eat and settling down for my first 'fix' of the day. I check the baby/kids section first for any deals that are just too good to pass up. If there is nothing there, I then check out the furniture section. If still nothing I go on to the general, and finally if desperation sets in...the free section. Its not like I can really just jump on and buy whatever, but knowing that there is a great deal on there that I would love to take advantage of is good enough for me. Its a strange fix I know, but hey, it works for our bank account. When I get home from work and picking up Mak at daycare, I jump on again after getting her a snack and go through the ritual again. Then once again (sometimes twice) before finally calling it good and going to bed. I have bought and sold items and have been giddy with excitement every time. In fact just this last week, I happened to jump on just as a posting for a Dutailier Rocker/Glider w/ ottoman for FIFTY BUCKS!!!! If you know anything about these gliders, they are not cheap. The ottomans alone brand new are about $200. I e-mailed the lady right away and went to bed only to find myself to excited to wait until morning to see if she replied. I jumped up around 11pm and checked my e-mail and had a reply telling me its mine! I went over on my lunch break the next day to look at it and it was perfect! Not the right colors, but who cares! It was FIFTY BUCKS! I handed her half the money, took the ottoman for now and made arrangements to pick up the glider this weekend. (on a side note, she had the most addorable twin boys I'd ever seen in my life). As I type I am eagerly awaiting word on if a dinning room table and chairs set is still up for grabs. **Keep your fingers crossed!!** I just can't help myself! I love this site! You can find anything and everything...seriously...if you dont belive me...try it yourself... www.craigslist.org ... Its like the worlds biggest garage sale, and lord knows I love me a good garage sale! Ok well, I gots to go check my e-mail and see if we may have a table and chairs for our new place! Tootles...

Ok seriously...

2008-03-13T19:18:00.000-07:00

The little baby thing on the left...

TOTALLY my husband's son...checking out his package already!

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

One of those days...

2008-03-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

This morning I almost cut my pinkie toe off on the POS carpet threshold that we've called maintenance on 3 times to repair and yet it still sits there ready to grab at any unsuspecting appendage...like my pinkie toe. So once I finally get the bleeding under control and my toe bandaged up, which btw is incredibly difficult when you can't even bend over to touch your toes, I get the blood from the floor cleaned, and I am about to get baby girl up from bed when all of a sudden out of nowhere, my nose starts bleeding like the Niagra Falls. Now I'm really starting to think that this is some omen and that really someone is trying to tell me that I should just go back to bed and try this again tomorrow. So once again, I get the bleeding under control and clean up the bit of blood that dripped on the sink and finally, 10 minutes after I should have left for work, I get baby girl up and start to get ready to leave for the day. I wake her up and she proceeds to tell me her tummy has an ouchie...Oh great!!! Why not! So after fighting to get her Jammies off and her clothes on, I take her temp and she is fine. So off we go to Kim's house.

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day!

An amazing morning...

2008-03-05T18:13:00.000-08:00

I didn't have to work today until 9am, so I was really hoping that Makenna would sleep in...

So this morning Makenna woke up around 5:45am. I hesitantly went in once I determined that she wasn't interested in going back down on her own. When I opened the door, she was standing at the corner of her crib like she normally is and whining because her bink had fallen on the floor. I grabbed her bink and gave it to her then I got down on her level and had a little conversation with her. I told her that mommy was very very sleepy still and that I wanted to go ni-night for a little bit longer and that if she would lay down for a little while longer, when she woke up she would go to Kim's and have a really fun day. She looked at me and I kid you not, said 'o-tay', popped the bink back in her mouth and laid back down. I stood there kind of stunned then realized that I had a span of about 2.5 seconds to make my escape before she reconsiddered the proposition. I asked her if she wanted her blankie back on and she said uh-huh so I covered her up and said I love you and she blew me a kiss and said ni-night.

At 7:30am, I woke up to a still silent home...I went in and peeked and my little angel was sleeping peacefully in the same spot she'd laid back down in.

I love my baby...I mean big girl!