I am sad

Today we got a call from a good friend of my husband's. His 11 year old, Jack, hanged himself. I am speechless. I am shocked. I am heart broken. This boy was quite possibly the sweetest boy I've ever met. When I was pregnant with Jackson, he helped us pack and move. He didn't complain. He asked what else he could do. When he asked what we were naming the baby, I told him and he responded "well, at least you know he'll be a good boy if he has my name!" And it was a true statement. This kid had a heart of gold.

Why?

We ALL love you Jack... RIP...big man

Lets play a game!

Its called Mak or Jack...

A.)


B.)

C.)

D.)

Answers will be revealed in the next blog...

Phantom cries & tons of pics

This is my weekend without the kids. I miss them, but I LOVE having time to myself again. Like its ok that its 12:44am right now and I'm upstairs on the computer and not having to type as quietly as I can so as not to wake the baby. It was ok that last night ,I went to Elizabeth's and didn't return home until 5:45 this morning. However, 3 times now since I've been up here, I have heard Jackson's little whimper he does when I make too much noise when he is asleep. I seriously stop typing for a split second while my brain remembers that no, its not the baby, he is at his Daddy's house.

We played in the water last weekend and the kids had a blast...nevermind the pic of Jackson crying...he loved it...lol





then we went out to Deanna Rose Children's Farmstead & did a hay ride

You wanna piece of me?

Then we spend a day out with Thomas and we were train robbed...Damn Thomas is expensive!

Jack had an allergy attack out of the blue, so was not happy...he also skipped his nap.

There's Thomas!

It is what it is: take 2

So for those of you who don't know, we are officialy getting divorced. Nothing really 'happened' we just know in our hearts that its not ever going to work. The good thing is, i guess if you can consider it good, is niether of us was shocked at the revelation. In fact, it was more of a reliefe than anything. No more trying to keep something alive that in all actuality died long ago. We just finally pulled the plug. Hes been out of the house for 2 weeks now and we are doing great. He has the kids every other weekend + some days in between. We talk on the phone quite a bit. Our counselor still thinks there is hope, but me...not so much. I am so ready to move on with my life and take control and stop waiting for someone else to make it happen. I got accepted to UMKC and will be taking 3 classes starting in the fall. I am still searching for a job because until I work, we can't really afford to file the paperwork. Things are very amicable and I am at peace with our decision. I know I put everything I had into saving our marriage, and he worked at it too. In the end, there was just oil and water...co-existing seperately in a vessel, but NEVER able to mix.

The blog is going to return to happy go lucky kiddie updates from here on out...Brace yourself for some major cuteness in the future!

it is what it is.

I've decided that is kind of my mantra or theme for life. It is what it is. Kind of like the old "when life gives you lemons..." schpeel.

Our life experiences shape us into who we are today, whether right or wrong, good or bad, and you have to chose what you take from these experiences and you have to live with the choices you make. Do I think it was a mistake to separate? NO. Do I think it was a mistake ending the separation so soon? YES. BUT, the decision was made and we are working on things as they are now. The counseling is helping more than ever now, especially since we are going seperately as well as as a couple.

I have dredged up super-demons from my past that I thought I had hidden and dealt with well enough, only to find out that they have, more so than any other experience, shaped who I am today. They directly impact my marriage as well as the rest of my life. The abuse I suffered as a 13 year old child at the hands of my uncle, really turned me into one messed up adult. Who knew? I didn't. But finally 17 years later I am battling these demons and I am going to be ok. WE are going to be ok. Charlie has his own issues to work out as well and he is doing his work too. Already I can see things getting better. Do we still fight? Hells yeah! But do they end in the feelings of hopelessness and doubt and fear as they have in the past? Not nearly as much as they did.

I am hopeful that things are going to continue to get better with us. I know that I am not alone in re-visitng my past and re-writing what I took from all these years of fear because my best friend is walking beside me, and holding my hand, and understanding me in a way that he has never shown me before. He is being my rock and my shelter and he is letting me be me for the first time in a very very long time.

I love him....It is what it is...

it's over..well sort of.

Charlie and I officially are seperating for now. We'll see if we can put this marriage back together through some distance, because close obviously isn't working. :-(

to blog or not to blog...

i'll decide tomorrow...