it is what it is.

I've decided that is kind of my mantra or theme for life. It is what it is. Kind of like the old "when life gives you lemons..." schpeel.

Our life experiences shape us into who we are today, whether right or wrong, good or bad, and you have to chose what you take from these experiences and you have to live with the choices you make. Do I think it was a mistake to separate? NO. Do I think it was a mistake ending the separation so soon? YES. BUT, the decision was made and we are working on things as they are now. The counseling is helping more than ever now, especially since we are going seperately as well as as a couple.

I have dredged up super-demons from my past that I thought I had hidden and dealt with well enough, only to find out that they have, more so than any other experience, shaped who I am today. They directly impact my marriage as well as the rest of my life. The abuse I suffered as a 13 year old child at the hands of my uncle, really turned me into one messed up adult. Who knew? I didn't. But finally 17 years later I am battling these demons and I am going to be ok. WE are going to be ok. Charlie has his own issues to work out as well and he is doing his work too. Already I can see things getting better. Do we still fight? Hells yeah! But do they end in the feelings of hopelessness and doubt and fear as they have in the past? Not nearly as much as they did.

I am hopeful that things are going to continue to get better with us. I know that I am not alone in re-visitng my past and re-writing what I took from all these years of fear because my best friend is walking beside me, and holding my hand, and understanding me in a way that he has never shown me before. He is being my rock and my shelter and he is letting me be me for the first time in a very very long time.

I love him....It is what it is...

it's over..well sort of.

Charlie and I officially are seperating for now. We'll see if we can put this marriage back together through some distance, because close obviously isn't working. :-(

to blog or not to blog...

i'll decide tomorrow...

Siblings and RSV...as told by Jackson and Makenna...

J: Sissy, Mommy said I have to put this stupid looking fish face thing over my mouth and breathe in that foul mist that sprays out.

J: I refuse! This is abuse!...Torture!...Cruel and unusual punishment!

M:Bubba, its otay. It make you all beddor. Sissy do it.
J: What is it about REFUSE that you don't get Sis?

M: Iss otay Jackie, Sissy here. I give you hug.
J: Dont think that a hug will make me forget what you just put me through!

J: Okay, Okay, I guess I can sort of forgive you...after all, Mommy just sat there and watched, so really its her fault anyway...

M:Bubba I wuv ewe!


THE END...


But really, Jackson is doing sooooo much better than he was last week. His follow up is tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully we wont have to continue the treatments much longer *insert squeals of joy from Jack-Jack*. He HATES the breathing treatments. At first he tolerated them, now it is all out war to get him to sit still so I can hold it to his face. Its so pittiful. Makenna has become quite the nurses aide, turning on and off his machine, putting the medicine in the nebulizer, and 'trying' to hold it for him. She loves her brother so much.

It is RSV

Had he not fallen asleep finally at 5:30 this morning, I was about to decide to take him to the ER. I took him to the walk-in clinic this morning and they confirmed that he does in fact have RSV. He will be on breathing treatments 3 times a day for the next 2-3 weeks. Please keep Jackson in your prayers for a fast recovery and that hopefully we didn't pass it to his cousin or any of the other kids we've been around this last week.

The part of motherhood I hate...

It is 11:09pm. Jackson can not sleep. His cough is getting worse and he can't breathe through his nose because of all the gunk. For some reason somthing told me to check my local mom's group message board. The latest posting...Virus Alert. I click on that and it is a story about how RSV is running rampant in the KC Metro area. And wouldn't you know it, Jacks symptoms fit it to the T. So I'm googling, webmd-ing, and generally freaking myself out as to what my next move should be. His breathing is a bit shallow and it doesn't take a Dr to see he feels horrible. The general consensus seems to be if wheezing is present take him to the ER. So far, there is no wheezing, but his symptoms have gotten worse as the day has gone on. I am taking him to the Dr first thing tomorrow. He already has an appt at Children's Mercy for his post-op check up so I may call them to let them know my fears and see what they suggest. I propped up his mattress and the humidifier is running full till next to his bed. I can't find his nose sucker thing, so I can't help him out that way. I've been giving him decongestant/expectorant all day and it has pretty much done nothing. I hate this helpless feeling, knowing your child is sick, possibly with a very dangerous infection, and there is noone to call, and nothing you can do about it, short of going to the ER and sitting and waiting... I'll update after we see a Dr...

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