Thursday, December 27, 2007

Christmas update!

We had a really good christmas! Makenna LOVES her 'beebee' doll and 'roller' (stroller) thats pretty much all she cares about these days. Santa was very good to her and thanks to everyone she pretty much has an all new wardrobe. This kid had soooo many clothes now. But its kinda nice b/c she didn't get a lot of toys this time and so we dont have the problem of figuring out where to put everything! Charlie got me Knocked Up...the movie that is...since its rather obvious at this point that he did the literal awhile ago...LOL. He also got me some new perfume and a keychain...oh and before christmas he bought me a new necklace with the mother & child emblem. I bought him a pair of jeans and a movie.
We did have a fight on X-mas eve and I ended up sleeping on the couch. He finally appologized on Christmas over at my brothers house for letting 6 shirts not on hangers ruin our christmas eve. I swear sometimes I just want to beat him! Oh well...
Christmas day ended up being so much fun...other than the Migraine I was fighting all day. We went to Brian and Terri's for brunch and our 'immediate' family gift exchange. Then we all hung out for a bit. I took Mak home for a good nap and one for me too and then we went back over and waited for the 'rest' of the family. We had a great dinner and then had our 'White Elephant' exchange. It was a lot of fun. I think everyone had a great time and I think that everyone is comfortable with continuing and making this a new tradition in our family. I'll post pics of X-mas later! Hope everyone had a great time!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

It has to get worse...???

Why is that always the logic when you are working out problems? "It always gets worse before it gets better" I think that sucks.
The past month has been probably one of the hardest months of my life. My marriage has been on the verge of collapse... and that is with us going to counseling for over 3 months now. I 'thought' that we were doing good there for awhile, but then I started to realize, that things weren't getting better, I was just getting better at pretending. Its easy to on the surface not let something bother me but when it hurts on the inside is when the worst damage is done. This past couple of weeks has been especially hard. It had a particularly low point when in counseling, we BOTH decided that we didn't want 'this' anymore. We couldn't take the emotional battery that is constantly surrounding our marriage anymore. We couldn't be happy together anymore. I sat there litterally feeling my heart break into a million tiny pieces as all the 'happy' memories came flooding into my head. How could we have gone from being relatively happy to not even being able to look eachother in the eye? We sat there, both crying, a million thoughts flowing through our minds and our counselor just sat there. After giving us a few minutes to really let what we had just said sink in, she asked us again, "is this what you both really want?" I couldn't say anything. My heart was screaming NO but my fear of what we had become already was telling me yes. Then she tells us that little piece of insight..."things have to get worse before they get better"... and I realized she is right. We have to be 100% honest with what our problems are before we can fix matter how painful it might be.
Its been 5 days since that session and I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted. I dont really know why but it was like actually hearing and saying the words "we're done" finally opened up my eyes to how hard I am willing to fight to keep what hope we have alive. And I'm ok with it getting harder before it gets better because that means theres not going to be anything left to harbor resentment or frustration with eachother because its all going to be there out in the open.
And the the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God, is that dispite all his and my short comings we DO love eachother...Forever-ever.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I can't believe it...

I'm going to bed....

and its before 11pm!!!!