it is what it is.

I've decided that is kind of my mantra or theme for life. It is what it is. Kind of like the old "when life gives you lemons..." schpeel.

Our life experiences shape us into who we are today, whether right or wrong, good or bad, and you have to chose what you take from these experiences and you have to live with the choices you make. Do I think it was a mistake to separate? NO. Do I think it was a mistake ending the separation so soon? YES. BUT, the decision was made and we are working on things as they are now. The counseling is helping more than ever now, especially since we are going seperately as well as as a couple.

I have dredged up super-demons from my past that I thought I had hidden and dealt with well enough, only to find out that they have, more so than any other experience, shaped who I am today. They directly impact my marriage as well as the rest of my life. The abuse I suffered as a 13 year old child at the hands of my uncle, really turned me into one messed up adult. Who knew? I didn't. But finally 17 years later I am battling these demons and I am going to be ok. WE are going to be ok. Charlie has his own issues to work out as well and he is doing his work too. Already I can see things getting better. Do we still fight? Hells yeah! But do they end in the feelings of hopelessness and doubt and fear as they have in the past? Not nearly as much as they did.

I am hopeful that things are going to continue to get better with us. I know that I am not alone in re-visitng my past and re-writing what I took from all these years of fear because my best friend is walking beside me, and holding my hand, and understanding me in a way that he has never shown me before. He is being my rock and my shelter and he is letting me be me for the first time in a very very long time.

I love him....It is what it is...