Not a good week...

I'm finding myself wondering ...again... if all of this is worth it.

We have been going to counseling for almost 8 months now. We have made some strides, but it seems like nothing in the big picture is getting resolved. We keep coming back to the same theme.

He supposedly(according to him) 'wants' to help out, but admits in counseling that he is just, well...lazy. And somehow I am supposed to be ok with this. Somehow I am supposed to appreciate every little thing he does, which I would...IF he actually did anything. Supposedly(according to him), when he does do something, I tell him that 'its not good enough'...which, I wouldn't know, since...he NEVER does anything. I'm supposed to trust that when he says he'll do something, that it will get done...I'm also not supposed to 'nag' him by asking him to do anything...I'm just supposed to 'talk' to him and together he and I talk about what needs to be done and not just tell him what needs to be done...but I can't tell you how many times I've tried that approach and NOTHING GETS DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here's my question... How many times is a person supposed to trust another person to do what they really shouldn't have any choice but to do, and be disappointed and let down, before its ok to give up? This is what is going on in my head right now.

I'm ok with him fluffing over the truth occassionally to make himself not look like he really doesn't do anything, but when he flat out lies about what is supposedly going on in all this, I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't defend myself b/c its a he said/she said thing. And still I'm told I can only be accountable for my actions...Which I am. But when does he get held accountable for his actions? or lack there of?

I'm just so sick and tired of everything coming back to this.

When is enough ... enough?

My daughter...the master manipulator...HELP!!!

We we're not going to potty train until the new baby got here, but Makenna has taken it upon herself to get busy. We went ahead and bought her a potty chair (which she refuses to use...she likes the BIG potty). We bought her big girl panties (pull-ups). And started rewarding her with an M&M everytime she went potty.

Well... We are going on 5 days with a great record. Still no poopies in the potty, but no wet pants! Our problem now is the M&M's. She now runs to the potty every 10-15 minutes saying she has to potty, we sit her on the toilet and she goes maybe 2-3 drops procalims herself a 'good girl' and then holds out her hand for the M&M. Now she is only doing it for the candy. She isn't 'holding' her pee-pee so that she goes all at once, she is seriously going every 10 minutes just a few drops. If we dont give her the candy, a major tantrum errupts. I don't want her to quit pottying b/c she isn't getting her candy, but I also dont want her to think she can eat candy all day long for going pee-pee like 3 drops.

What do I do??????

home sweet home...

Well, i think we might have done it! We are calling the landlord tomorrow morning to tell him we'll take it! We went and looked at a duplex today and at first I really didn't like it, but it started to grow on me. Its more expensive than what we were hoping for, but we should be ok. We are just going to have to really buckle down and watch our money from here on out.

Its a 3 bedroom 2 bath. The master bedroom is great. Plenty of room for our bed, furniture, and Jack's bassinet. Makenna's room is HUGE! Almost big enough to be the master, so there will be plenty of room for all of her toys. Jack's nursery is on the smaller side, but it will be perfect for his first room. Its similar is size to Mak's room now, just a tad bit smaller. There is a living room at the front of the house that is tiny, but it will be a great playroom area. The big living room will be the perfect size to fit our sectional and other furniture. There is also a fireplace so Charlie is happy about that. There is also a finished portion of the basement. Not a huge area, but will be a nice place for whatever. The kitchen is ok. Nothing spectacular, but includes all the appliances. There is a 1/2 bath off the kitchen/living room area. We get to pick the paint colors. The carpet will be replaced as well, so it will look like a fresh new place! I'm so excited! Its nothing big, but I think it will be perfect for our family! Plenty of room for the kids to play and for mommy and daddy to have some space as well! Now I get to start packing. I've never been so happy to start packing in my life! I hate this apartment!!!

such is my life...

Well, we got our tax refund. Once again, the US Govt has seen fit to keep a large chunk of it for whatever reason. So once again we're FUCT! You know what though, I'm not even mad. I'm so used to being let down that nothing is really surprising me. I am feeling very frustrated though b/c we have not found a place to live yet. We are going to go looking again tomorrow after our counselling session. I just want to find something soon. Although, Im not really sure how we are going to afford a deposit now. Thats what the tax refund was supposed to cover.

I really wish we didn't have the dog. I don't mean to not like him, but I have not an ounce of love for this dog. I can honestly say if someone were to come take him tomorrow, I would not even care. I would be relieved. I'm getting really pissed off b/c there are some awesome homes that we could rent EXCEPT they dont allow dogs. I hate that a dog is determining where we are going to end up. To me it should be what is best for the FAMILY. I really wish Charles wasn't so attached to the dog. BTW he peed in the house again tonight. I hate him. I've always liked animals, dogs especially, dont get me wrong, but I've always been able to seperate family and pet and have never considered a pet more important or as important as family. Charles on the other hand considers the dog his son. I'm not kidding or exagerating. I hope that Jack is somehow allergic to dogs and we'll have to get rid of the dog. Surely he wouldn't put his 'real' son at risk for the love of his dog 'son'. Hmmm... perhaps a topic for tomorrow...

I'm going to bed now

facts...

I got 4 hours of sleep last night...(mak woke up at 1am dn finally she and i passed out on the couch at around 4:30am)

There are less than 3 months until this new baby gets here and we still have NOTHING ready.

Even if Makenna had slept lastnight, I still wouldn't have gotten any because Jack missed the chapter about the baby sleeping durring mothers resting periods now and did 15 billion somersaults in my belly.

I must admit I love baby kicks.

I have a head cold and my head feels like its about to explode.

I'm broke...still.

Laundry sucks.

Chores in general suck.

I want a big slice of the chocolate cake in the kitchen and about 4 scoops of the mint chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer.

Even though my husband can be a complete ass he every once in a while says the sweetest things.

I'm going to bed now...after my cake and ice cream.