I'm finding myself wondering ...again... if all of this is worth it.
We have been going to counseling for almost 8 months now. We have made some strides, but it seems like nothing in the big picture is getting resolved. We keep coming back to the same theme.
He supposedly(according to him) 'wants' to help out, but admits in counseling that he is just, well...lazy. And somehow I am supposed to be ok with this. Somehow I am supposed to appreciate every little thing he does, which I would...IF he actually did anything. Supposedly(according to him), when he does do something, I tell him that 'its not good enough'...which, I wouldn't know, since...he NEVER does anything. I'm supposed to trust that when he says he'll do something, that it will get done...I'm also not supposed to 'nag' him by asking him to do anything...I'm just supposed to 'talk' to him and together he and I talk about what needs to be done and not just tell him what needs to be done...but I can't tell you how many times I've tried that approach and NOTHING GETS DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
So here's my question... How many times is a person supposed to trust another person to do what they really shouldn't have any choice but to do, and be disappointed and let down, before its ok to give up? This is what is going on in my head right now.
I'm ok with him fluffing over the truth occassionally to make himself not look like he really doesn't do anything, but when he flat out lies about what is supposedly going on in all this, I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't defend myself b/c its a he said/she said thing. And still I'm told I can only be accountable for my actions...Which I am. But when does he get held accountable for his actions? or lack there of?
I'm just so sick and tired of everything coming back to this.
When is enough ... enough?
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Not a good week...
Posted by Liz at 8:06 PM
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2 comments:
Ah, sweetie. I've been through this with Natchdaddy. Years ago, obviously. And one day, something just clicked. Now he isn't lazy and I trust him completely.
But to answer your question, you are not supposed to trust him. He has done nothing to earn your trust.
Instead, you decide if you can live with having him around, even if he does nothing. Even if he is lazy. When I think of the other options, like your babies going away for entire weekends and holidays, my gut is to tell you that I suspect you can live with it. That you want to be able to live with it. But to do that, you cannot expect him to do more than you already actually think he will do. You don't raise your expectations; you lower them. It's not fair, but you cannot change him, only yourself and your perception of him.
This doesn't sound like a matter of trust. This sounds like a matter of choice. Can you choose to be the bigger person (and you certainly would be) and live with your kids' father? Or is that choice too hard for you? (And it might be, and that's okay, but then you will have to make other sacrifices, and they are hard ones.)
First of all let me say that I miss you like crazy. I can't wait to see you again.
Now....I think "enough" is different for everybody. I have always said that when the bad starts to outweigh the good that would be my enough. We are always going to have issues, we wouldn't be human if we didn't, but when those issues start to outnumber the good times and the love that is there, then it is enough.
I know I can say this because you love me...try not to make any big life changing decisions while you are pregnant. If I would have I would be divorced and living in Morocco.
I feel for you. Marriages are such hard work. Especially when you add kids and dogs and bills and all the other things that come along. Just know that I will support you whatever you do. I will be there for you to talk to or cry to or laugh to. Anything at all.
Oh, and NEVER be afraid to stand up for yourself. I know you very well...you go ahead and tell it like it is when you need to. Be strong!!
I love you!
Loni
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