why it affects me.

I just had an hour long phone conversation with our counselor. Charles and I have a cycle, well many of them actually, that we are having a hard time breaking. The one in question today, is a pretty major one concerning finances...and lack of. We have a good streak of getting along great (usually when there is money in the bank) then it all ends in what I can only discribe as a 'big bang' (when the money is low or non-existent). It sucks to have money control so much of your life, and it sucks even more to have it cause such massive fights that make you want to throw in the towel.
This time, I knew the bang was coming when I checked the bank account and discovered that my very carefully executed plan to not go overdrawn had failed miserably due to some behind-my-back transactions by my husband. I called him and he immediately 'had to go' convieniently. Feeling my blood pressure rise at an amazing speed, I decided to take a different approach. I called our counselor and asked her for help to calm me down. To get me back to 'me' so to speak, with the hopes that we might be able to avoid such a huge fight. I'm so glad I did this, because in our phone session, I realized a lot about myself. I realized that I get so mad (aside from obvious reasons) because this is a cycle that I carry with me from my childhood. I dont think my childhood was bad by any means but a large part of it was hearing my parents fight...a lot...about money. I know Mom reads this, and I'm not going to go into detail, but she knows, she was there. I know what money and lack of it can do to a marriage. I fear this happening to me and my marriage.
I learned that what we fear we allow to control us which is what I have done. By being so fearful of becoming 'my parents' I have become them. Instead of allowing myself to break the cycle, I became comfortable in it and am left with repeating it over and over. Now sure, Charles has a part in this as well, which she will address durring a private session with him, but I can only control how I react in these situations. I also did something I shouldn't have, but to me in my reaction it was the only thing I knew to do to keep this from happening. I cancelled his debit card. He is not aware of this yet, but when he finds out, he is not going to be happy. I wish I would have talked to our counselor first, but whats done is done. She said she understands why I did, but it wasn't fair for me to take full control over the situation without first coming back down to 'me'. However, I know that as much as it will make him mad, he is too compulsive to have access to what little money we have. The only reason we have been overdrawn recently is because of him using his debit card multiple times a day without letting me know.

I am supposed to remember the Serenity Poem in times like this, which honestly, I have attempted to do, but I am going to try to recite it to myself before I fly off the handle in the future...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.