Homework...

Charlie and I have assigned ourselves nightly homework. We will sit down on the couch everynight whether or not the kids are asleep, awake, behaving, (more than likely) mis-behaving, and reflect, WITH EACH OTHER, on our days. Tonight was our first night, and it was so nice to connect just for a few minutes. Although I kind of ruined it when I showed him the horrible 'thing' I have growing on my leg at the moment and he went to bed saying he felt 'sick'...lol

Not so good Jackson update.

We had Jack's 2 month check up. He is doing well in the growing dept. 11lbs 5.5oz, & 24.25" so hes tall and skinny! But his head is not growing at the 'normal' rate. In fact, it hasn't grown since his 2 week check up. The Dr, is goign to monitor it and as long as it starts growing there is nothing to worry about. Jackson also has a bump on his forehead. The dr isn't too concerned about the bump itself, but the area around it is not typical of what he thinks it is, so he is also going to keep a close eye on that. Then, the icing on the cake....his left testicle has still not dropped. The Dr said if it wasn't down by now, it most likely wont, and at his 4 month appt, we will have to schedule surgery to correct it. I am so scared, sad, worried and upset. It seems like there are so many things that the Dr wants to keep a close eye on and it makes me so nervous. As a mom, you can't help but think the worst. I just want my baby boy to be healthy. He also got 4 shots today and one oral vaccination. He is more cranky tonight than he has ever been. He doesn't even want to snuggle me like he usually does and I really want to snuggle him. I feel like my cup is about to overflow. I have so much on my mind, the last thing I expected was a not so good routine trip to the pediatrician. Keep my Jack-Jack in your thoughts and prayers please...

I survived! & funny Mak story.

And amazingly enough...I am still sane!

This week was a long stressful one, but I'm still here. Makenna had a hard time adjusting to having the kids at the house. She never has really been jealous around or b/c of Jackson, but having 3 new kids at the house was a bit much for her. She did a lot of "my mommy"s and all the toys were "MINE!" and she even threw in a few "shut up baby"s in there as well. Something I have never heard before...

I also witnessed her first correct usage of a 'bad' word. The 4 month old I watch is a VERY fussy baby, pretty much cries constantly for no appearant reason. I had her down for the nap and I had just heard her wake up and start crying. All of a sudden Makenna gets up from her show walks through the room and says "shit". I didn't say anything, b/c I was sure she must have been saying something that just sounded like it...But oh no, next thing I know, she is at the foot of the stairs yellling at baby Lauren to be quiet! I lost it at that point...I realized that baby Lauren had interruped her Backyardigan's and she was NOT happy! She did not understand why I found so much humor in it...LOL

I want my Charlie back.

The guy that I fell in love with. The guy that actually put effort into making me happy. The one who was there for me when I needed him most and let me be there for him in his darkest hours. I want the person who I could dream out loud with and not sound like an idiot. I want my fun-loving, harley riding, I love my girl, guy back.

I don't know who sleeps in bed with me anymore...

Decisions.

I find myself facing a very difficult decision. I have the power, but am not sure which path to choose. Which is best for me and my family. One path might be easygoing at first but rockier in the long run, or the other might start off really rocky, but be smooth sailing around the bend. Without a crystal ball, I have no way of knowing. The thing is, I feel like I'm already on the rocky path, looking, HOPING, around every bend for it to get smoother, but alas...more rocks...even mountains. So do I stick with it, and hang on to the hope? However diminished it seems? Or jump paths and risk that the grass may not in fact be greener...

decisions...decisions...

I think...wait...I know I AM insane!

Starting Monday, I will be watching 5 kids. for a week. Yes, I just said F-I-V-E. And the really insane part...3 of them will be under 1 year old. I will have Jack- 2 mos, Lauren- 4 mos, and Caleb- 11 mos, Makenna- (terrible) 2, and last be deffinitely not least Jonathyn, 7 years. Usually Makenna goes to Kim's house 2 days/wk, but she is going to be out of town this week. Jonathyn and Caleb are brothers and Jonathyn is my regular daycare kid and Caleb goes to Kim's house as well for babysitting, so their mom, (my friend Alisha) asked if I could watch Caleb as well. Jonathyn is pretty easy. They live across the street, so all his neighborhood buddies play outside all day! Lauren is my new daycare kiddo that starts Monday. She came on Thursday for about 3 hours and she is deffinitely high-maintenance. I think she quite possibly has been held since she was born. She will quickly learn that that is not possible here. She will be fine though. She is just REALLY loud when she is not happy! Caleb, I'm not worried about. He is such a cutie! He can be loud too, but he's just a boy. The only kid I'm not looking forward to having in this whole mess, is (ashamedly) Makenna. She has been so rotten lately. I really hope all the kids will keep her company and occupied.

God give me the strength to make it through to Friday alive!!!

Also, I am hosting a get-together monday night for Emily to show off her pictures from Colombia. I am excited, but I am going to be exhausted!

feeling ugly.

I'm not following my stay positive post for a minute.
I just feel really ugly lately. Like pretty much repulsive. I look in the mirror and just want to cry. I dont know how I ended up looking like this. I realize I just had a baby, but thats just an excuse to make me feel better. Then on top of everything, Charlie and I still haven't...um...well you know...since long before I had the baby, and tonight I thought might be the night. I asked him if he wanted to go to bed...together...without the baby... and he said NO. I know he is tired, and his knees hurt, but he has given me so much shit the past few months about me not...well...you know, and for him to turn me down tonight just really kind of sucked. I know that I should at least go talk to him and tell him how I'm feeling, but I know that I can't do that without turning into a big pile of hormonal blubber...literally. All I can think is I must be so nasty, no wonder he doesn't want to be 'with' me...even though I know its not true. I'm just really feeling sorry for myself right now and I hate it.

I LOVE this time of year!

I absolutely love the spring time storms we get here! I remember being a kid and the tornado sirens going off and instead of going down to the basement, we'd follow dad out to the front yard to stand on the old tree stump and watch the storm blowing in.
Fast forward 20 yrs and not much has changed...tonight with sirens blazing, i'm out on the master bedroom balcony trying to get the best shot of the storm rolling in!
Heres what I ended up with...

We're 'officially' poor enough!

This morning we had an appointment at the WIC office. With us now having four people to support off of one income, we are 'officially' poor. We qualify for WIC which will be a god-send since formula and everything else for that matter is rediculously expensive these days. Now I have to figure out how to WIC-shop. Oh, and they had to prick Makenna's and my finger today for our iron levels. Makenna of course freaked out as soon as we walked into a room that even remotely resembled a Dr's office. The a-hole lab tech said we should do her finger first, but I said no, it makes more since to do mine first so that I can console her after its all done. He rolled his eyes and said 'whatever' I swear, why do people have to be like that. I'm her friggin' mother, I know what is best for her. So the finger prick was painless, but she freaked out none-the less, and then said through her tears 'it not hurt, i'm alright', and she was all better when he gave her the boo-boo button (band-aid). Then just the normal bored 2-year old behavior kicked in as we were there for over 2 hours! But I am so relieved that we will at least be getting help buying the formula. Now to figure out how to pay for diapers and everything else we need!

The last 4 years...

My Montage 6/9/08

Staying positive...

I'm going to try to keep my blog positive from here on out. No more rantings about my husband, no more poor me complaints about motherhood, and no more bitching in general. I do way too much. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, so I'm going to try to do something about it. I have the two most beautiful perfect children in the world, and a husband that despite his...um..'quirks', loves me unconditionaly. Life really isn't that bad.


So on that note...

Jackson has the most beautiful smile ever!

This is getting hard

This mom of 2 thing is getting tough. I'm at a point where I just want to crawl in a deep dark hole and pretend I don't have children, or a husband, or any type of responsibility for that matter. I love the kids "to the moon and back" (notice exceprt from 'Guess How Much I Love You'...Mak's new favorite book) but I feel so run down. If one's not crying the other is. If one's sleeping, the other is awake...and this goes for the nights as well. I feel like the walking dead. Coupled with terrible twos, and feeding issues with a newborn and going through some tough personal crap in counseling, I feel like I'm on the verge of failure. Not necessarily failure as a mother, but like a full system shut-down type of failure. My patience is tested before anything even happens. I think I'm a good mom. My kids are healthy and happy well taken care of and seem to be well adjusted. But I on the other hand am a mess and getting worse by the day. Not to be gross, but I dont even remember the last time I showered...Ok it was Friday before the runion...Wow thats gross. Ok, my one and only goal tomorrow is bathing! No wonder Jackson cries whenever I hold him...I STINK! Poor kid.
Makenna's new favorite word is "mine" and it seems like anything and everything I touch is hers. News to me! So that triggers tantrum upon tantrum throughout the day. Time out sort of works...but its having less and less of an affect. And I have never seen a child so un-bothered by a smacked bottom. I get the 'Is that the best you've got?' look from her everytime. So I dont even bother. I need SuperNanny to come visit to tell me how to deal with a child who could care less if she spent all damn day in time out! Ok, enough of the rants. I gots to go to bed...Jack will be up in 45 minutes.