I am sad

Today we got a call from a good friend of my husband's. His 11 year old, Jack, hanged himself. I am speechless. I am shocked. I am heart broken. This boy was quite possibly the sweetest boy I've ever met. When I was pregnant with Jackson, he helped us pack and move. He didn't complain. He asked what else he could do. When he asked what we were naming the baby, I told him and he responded "well, at least you know he'll be a good boy if he has my name!" And it was a true statement. This kid had a heart of gold.

Why?

We ALL love you Jack... RIP...big man

Lets play a game!

Its called Mak or Jack...

A.)


B.)

C.)

D.)

Answers will be revealed in the next blog...

Phantom cries & tons of pics

This is my weekend without the kids. I miss them, but I LOVE having time to myself again. Like its ok that its 12:44am right now and I'm upstairs on the computer and not having to type as quietly as I can so as not to wake the baby. It was ok that last night ,I went to Elizabeth's and didn't return home until 5:45 this morning. However, 3 times now since I've been up here, I have heard Jackson's little whimper he does when I make too much noise when he is asleep. I seriously stop typing for a split second while my brain remembers that no, its not the baby, he is at his Daddy's house.

We played in the water last weekend and the kids had a blast...nevermind the pic of Jackson crying...he loved it...lol





then we went out to Deanna Rose Children's Farmstead & did a hay ride

You wanna piece of me?

Then we spend a day out with Thomas and we were train robbed...Damn Thomas is expensive!

Jack had an allergy attack out of the blue, so was not happy...he also skipped his nap.

There's Thomas!

It is what it is: take 2

So for those of you who don't know, we are officialy getting divorced. Nothing really 'happened' we just know in our hearts that its not ever going to work. The good thing is, i guess if you can consider it good, is niether of us was shocked at the revelation. In fact, it was more of a reliefe than anything. No more trying to keep something alive that in all actuality died long ago. We just finally pulled the plug. Hes been out of the house for 2 weeks now and we are doing great. He has the kids every other weekend + some days in between. We talk on the phone quite a bit. Our counselor still thinks there is hope, but me...not so much. I am so ready to move on with my life and take control and stop waiting for someone else to make it happen. I got accepted to UMKC and will be taking 3 classes starting in the fall. I am still searching for a job because until I work, we can't really afford to file the paperwork. Things are very amicable and I am at peace with our decision. I know I put everything I had into saving our marriage, and he worked at it too. In the end, there was just oil and water...co-existing seperately in a vessel, but NEVER able to mix.

The blog is going to return to happy go lucky kiddie updates from here on out...Brace yourself for some major cuteness in the future!

it is what it is.

I've decided that is kind of my mantra or theme for life. It is what it is. Kind of like the old "when life gives you lemons..." schpeel.

Our life experiences shape us into who we are today, whether right or wrong, good or bad, and you have to chose what you take from these experiences and you have to live with the choices you make. Do I think it was a mistake to separate? NO. Do I think it was a mistake ending the separation so soon? YES. BUT, the decision was made and we are working on things as they are now. The counseling is helping more than ever now, especially since we are going seperately as well as as a couple.

I have dredged up super-demons from my past that I thought I had hidden and dealt with well enough, only to find out that they have, more so than any other experience, shaped who I am today. They directly impact my marriage as well as the rest of my life. The abuse I suffered as a 13 year old child at the hands of my uncle, really turned me into one messed up adult. Who knew? I didn't. But finally 17 years later I am battling these demons and I am going to be ok. WE are going to be ok. Charlie has his own issues to work out as well and he is doing his work too. Already I can see things getting better. Do we still fight? Hells yeah! But do they end in the feelings of hopelessness and doubt and fear as they have in the past? Not nearly as much as they did.

I am hopeful that things are going to continue to get better with us. I know that I am not alone in re-visitng my past and re-writing what I took from all these years of fear because my best friend is walking beside me, and holding my hand, and understanding me in a way that he has never shown me before. He is being my rock and my shelter and he is letting me be me for the first time in a very very long time.

I love him....It is what it is...

it's over..well sort of.

Charlie and I officially are seperating for now. We'll see if we can put this marriage back together through some distance, because close obviously isn't working. :-(

to blog or not to blog...

i'll decide tomorrow...

Siblings and RSV...as told by Jackson and Makenna...

J: Sissy, Mommy said I have to put this stupid looking fish face thing over my mouth and breathe in that foul mist that sprays out.

J: I refuse! This is abuse!...Torture!...Cruel and unusual punishment!

M:Bubba, its otay. It make you all beddor. Sissy do it.
J: What is it about REFUSE that you don't get Sis?

M: Iss otay Jackie, Sissy here. I give you hug.
J: Dont think that a hug will make me forget what you just put me through!

J: Okay, Okay, I guess I can sort of forgive you...after all, Mommy just sat there and watched, so really its her fault anyway...

M:Bubba I wuv ewe!


THE END...


But really, Jackson is doing sooooo much better than he was last week. His follow up is tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully we wont have to continue the treatments much longer *insert squeals of joy from Jack-Jack*. He HATES the breathing treatments. At first he tolerated them, now it is all out war to get him to sit still so I can hold it to his face. Its so pittiful. Makenna has become quite the nurses aide, turning on and off his machine, putting the medicine in the nebulizer, and 'trying' to hold it for him. She loves her brother so much.

It is RSV

Had he not fallen asleep finally at 5:30 this morning, I was about to decide to take him to the ER. I took him to the walk-in clinic this morning and they confirmed that he does in fact have RSV. He will be on breathing treatments 3 times a day for the next 2-3 weeks. Please keep Jackson in your prayers for a fast recovery and that hopefully we didn't pass it to his cousin or any of the other kids we've been around this last week.

The part of motherhood I hate...

It is 11:09pm. Jackson can not sleep. His cough is getting worse and he can't breathe through his nose because of all the gunk. For some reason somthing told me to check my local mom's group message board. The latest posting...Virus Alert. I click on that and it is a story about how RSV is running rampant in the KC Metro area. And wouldn't you know it, Jacks symptoms fit it to the T. So I'm googling, webmd-ing, and generally freaking myself out as to what my next move should be. His breathing is a bit shallow and it doesn't take a Dr to see he feels horrible. The general consensus seems to be if wheezing is present take him to the ER. So far, there is no wheezing, but his symptoms have gotten worse as the day has gone on. I am taking him to the Dr first thing tomorrow. He already has an appt at Children's Mercy for his post-op check up so I may call them to let them know my fears and see what they suggest. I propped up his mattress and the humidifier is running full till next to his bed. I can't find his nose sucker thing, so I can't help him out that way. I've been giving him decongestant/expectorant all day and it has pretty much done nothing. I hate this helpless feeling, knowing your child is sick, possibly with a very dangerous infection, and there is noone to call, and nothing you can do about it, short of going to the ER and sitting and waiting... I'll update after we see a Dr...

Check out leeloublogs!

I love my kids

Just felt like expressing it on my blog...not that it was ever in question.

I wish I had a picture of Makenna last night who found her Pumpkin costume from 2 years ago and put it on along with her dress up skirt and princess shoes and slip on earrings. She was quite the sight!

Jackson is turning into such a big boy as I'm sitting here he is sitting in his high chair chowing on some Cherrios...his new favorite thing in the world!

I just love them both to bits and pieces!

Ready

So I haven't written in awhile about anything. Things are about to change, a lot. Charlie and I have admitted defeat and are moving our family in with my mom and dad. Things have just gotten to a point, where we would never be able to pull ourselves out of the hole we are in. Getting a little help here and there just was not going to help in the big picture. I obviously still have not found a job and the bills just keep coming. Mom and Dad are so awesome. Its nothing anyone wants to do at this stage in their lives. We feel guilty because instead of Mom and Dad becoming empty nesters, they are taking in a whole family again. It also means we pretty much have to take over their house. We are going to make the most of it because we know this is our only chance to get our lives straightened out and to make the life we want for our kids. Its a fresh start for us. I am more hopefull and excited about the future then I've been in a very long time.
Hogan, our dog, is leaving us on Friday. This dog has been a thorn in my side since we brought him home 3 years ago. As much as I have not liked him, I am still going to miss having him around. I know it was not his fault that he had the problems he had. It was ours. His new home has a full fenced acre to run on and another Boxer friend for him to play with. We met thes last week and they are so excited to have Hogan join their family. They are coming on Friday to pick him up and we will say our last good byes to our family pet.
So as I said, lots of things are changing, but all is for the better. I am hopeful, excited and optimistic for the future now. I don't wake up with that sinking feeling in my chest anymore and I can finally see light at the end of our tunnel.
Thanks Mom and Dad. I love you.

Changes...

You like my new blog design?



Stay tuned for life updates later too.

Big girls don't cry... they scream!

This is a very true statement made by Makenna today. I about died laughing!

Some random Makenna cuteness:

OMG! I want to beat her sometimes! and Charlie too.

Ok, so I would never beat my child, but seriously, she has been HORRIBLE this week. I have never seen such blatent, rotten, snotty behavior out of a 2 year old in my life. I know she is 2 and all, but come on. Time out works rarely, spankings...HA..., she could give a rats ass what her punishment is. Redirecting her to something else, just results in trouble somewhere else. She wont listen, she wont stay in bed, in fact, she climbs her gate to get out of her bedroom. I just caught her trying to sneak back into her room after sneaking out. Unfortunately for her, she was a bit too slow, but I found out her method and removed her ' escape ladder'. She is too smart for her own good. My mom payed for us to enroll her in dance class once a week. I was thinking that might help her in her abundance of energy and attitude, but its only been one week. They jury is still out on that one. I love her to pieces, but right now, I really don't like her very much.
Charlie doesn't help the situation either. He's all bark and no discipline. And he talks, and talks, and talks, and tries to reason with her and when that doesn't work...its up to me to be the bad guy. Tonight he spanked her for refusing to listen again and again, then proceeded to console her, and talk to her, and appologize to her, and blah blah blah, then he let her continue to jump on the bed, which was what got her spanked in the first place...so he pretty much undid anything that might have been accomplished by letting her know that he's a big sap and will ultimately let her do whatever she wants. Gawd hes an IDIOT! We deffinitely are not on the same page, or the same universe for that matter, as far as our parenting goes. I expect good behavior, he expects to play and leave me to clean up the discipline issues. Just like everything else in our life. Ok, but I'm not going there...that might be a realllllllly long blog.
Anyway, back to my original issue. I know everyone told me 3s are worse than 2's but I really didn't think it could be this bad...and shes not even 3! God help me!

Job saga drama

I still have no job.

I probably wont have a job either.

The job I interviewed for 5 weeks ago and was told that I was hired right away has turned into a nightmare. I waited for 3 weeks to get a 'pesonality screen' test e-mailed to me. Durring that 3 weeks I called quite often to check in with the manager who each time assured me the job was mine and that the HR people were just slow and stupid. So finally, I get the e-mail and complete the test and send it back immediately. The next day (Dec 23) , I get a call from the manager and she 'officially' offers me the assistant manager position. We discuss salary and start date. She told me she just had to wait for the approval for the salary (which was higher than I had requested). But the job was mine. We tentatively set January 5th as my start date pending my drug screen and the approval from HR. I never heard from the manager as to when my drug screen was to be done. I called her tuesday (Dec 30th) to find out what the deal is and now I'm told that she is still waiting for approval to hire me for the position. ????WHAT??? I was under the impression I was already offered the job. She said not to worry that she would call me Monday, Jan 5th (mind you this is the date I was 'supposed' to start). I didn't hear from her, so I called that afternoon and ask her what was up. Her answer..."Well we decided to keep the girl we have in the position." She then offered me the leasing poisiton that I had orriginally interviewed for. WRONG AGAIN!!! Nope, I have to go in and re-interview, from scratch, this time with the DM who has taken over the hiring process.

So essentially I have thought I had a job for 5 weeks only to find out that nope, a whole lotta smoke has been blown up my a$$ and I am still jobless.

Wanna guess how pissed off I am???

I'm amazed

Less than 24 hours after Jackson's surgery, he was back to 'normal'. As horrible as he looked and felt when we left the hospital and most of that afternoon, I would never have guessed that that evening and today, he would be bouncing on us, rolling all over the place, babbling, laughing, and just generally being the joyful boy he always has been! He wakes up from his naps and squealing with happy noises, he attempts to climb all over us when we are holding him and seems to not even remember that he has just had some pretty major surgery. I've kept him on his pain medication and will continue through the weekend. I don't want to not give it to him and end up having him in a lot of pain again. I will wean him off starting monday as long as everything goes ok. I also get to take off his bandages. I'm kind of excited to see how his boo-boos look under the dressings. Ok, maybe curious is a better word. But I am just so amazed at how well he has bounced back from this. I am so glad we didn't wait until he was older. Dr DeMarco said that the same day of Jack's surgery he was doing an identical one on a 7 year old boy and that boy would take about 4 times as long to recover. I feel horrible for that boy and his parents.
I'll post new pics of Jackson tomorrow in his "My Operation was Bearable at Children's Mercy" T-shirt. Granted its a size 2/4 but its still his shirt and he earned it!

Jackson's Surgery update

Well, its all over!
Lastnight I put him to bed after lots of extra cuddles and kisses. I woke him up around 12:30am for another bottle before the 1:30 deadline. The look of confusion on his face was priceless. He ate about 2 oz so it was hardly worth it. I went to bed around 1:30 and 4.5 hours later, it was time to get up and get ready to head to Children's Mercy. I gave him a quick bath and buckled him into his carseat and off we were. We arrived at CM at 6:30am and were called back to the pre-op room. I was really worried that they would be doing the IV there, but to my reliefe, they do it once he is already asleep. So they brought out the cutest little hospital gown which I would have stolen if they hadn't stripped him down by the time we got to see him. He looked so cute in it. They took his vitals and we waited for the Drs to come visit with us.
Dr DeMarco is his urologist and he came and pretty much went over everything we had talked about at his appointment. The worst case scenario would be if the testicle was in his belly and he would need 2 surgeries to move it down. Then, it was time to carry Jack to the little wheeled crib and say goodbye as they wheeled him away. What an empty feeling that is. We went to the waiting room and twiddled our thumbs for about an hour and a half. Finally, Dr. DeMarco came back and said that everything was finished. The testicle was in his belly, but thankfully, it was low enough that he was able to get it done in this surgery. So no more surgeries for my baby! Woo Hoo.
It was another 30 minutes or so before they came to get us to see him. This is when things got hard. When we got back there, they had us go to ta little area, and then they carried him out. It was so sad because as soon as they handed him to me he started screaming. Not "OMG Mom, I'm so happy to see you" scream, but 'OMG, Mommy, it hurts so bad" scream. The nurse said that he was having a lot of pain and they hadn't gotten his pain under control. They went ahead and got us to try to calm him down. As I was holding him trying to get him calmed down, the nurse called the on-call Dr to get approval for some IV pain meds as well as a dose of oral meds. Thank goodness they got ahold of the Dr immediately and they gave him the IV meds. Those took about 5 minutes to fully kick in and he calmed down enough to where we could give him the oral dose. 10 minutes later, he was passed out. He was maxed out on pain meds in the hospital.
I don't think I really expected him to be in that much pain. It really scared me seeing him hurting so bad. Especially seeing my baby boy who never cries become so inconsolable. It was really heartbreaking. We got him dressed and in his carseat along with some extra padding on his front side. He slept the whole way home even with us stopping for his perscription.
The first few hours home were still rough, but amazingly enough, by this evening, he was almost back to his happy go lucky self. He has an incision above his belly button, one in his lower abdomen, and one on his scrotum. He still winces every now and then, but overall he seems to be handling it all very well. In fact, when I woke him up from nap earlier today, he had turned over onto his tummy and when he saw me, he got up on his hands and knees! That was the first time he's gotten up on all fours! I think its funny though because the nurse had told us that he wouldn't be sitting or pulling up while on his meds b/c they would make him so loopy, and here is my crazy kid accomplishing a milestone all hopped up on the pain killers! LOL

I'm so glad this is over!