Purging...

So I've come to a point in my life, where I am ready to puge all the negativity. I've always been one to hold things in for a loooooooong time, and hold grudges and take things incredibly personal. The last couple of weeks, pretty much since we found out we were pregnant again, I've had this urge to just 'be happy' again. Not that I've been overly sad, or depressed or mad, its just that I've held on to so many situations in my life that its become more important to me to keep the grudge than just 'get over it' so to speak. Its not a healthy thing. I had started to notice that everything I did, every decision I was making I had to figure out how to do it in a way to 'punish' those wrong doers in my life. And what did I get out of it...Nothing. Just building up more resentment and negativity in me when the person I was 'punishing' really when it came right down to it, has no clue that I am mad, or that I've even done something to punish them. Its really pretty retarded. I'm pretty retarded. But thats what I realized. So I've made a point to rid myself of these feelings. Not just forget about it and move on, but to not let them determine how I am going to live my life. Its actaully coming to me pretty easily. I've become freinds with Jennifer again. I'm speaking with his father again and having fun with him again. In fact, Charles and I are really working on being happy together again. I've forgivin him (with the help of a couselor) for the things he has done that had reallly hurt me and I have also learned that I dont need to 'punish' people anymore. Its ok for me to be hurt, but its not ok to take those feelings and let them eat away at me until I'm so consumed by avoiding them or the situation or punishing them, that I've wasted all this energy for NOTHING. I'm in a good place. I feel like things can and will only get better from here. I honestly feel like a heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel free. As cheesey and cliche as it sounds. I'm free to love my husband again, the way I want to. I'm free to go to dinner with his dad and have a good time. I'm free to be happy again. Ok, I"m done rambling...
I'm going to bed before this kid makes me puke again...

I'm bored

I really dont have anything to blog about, but I feel like I'm neglecting it if I dont post at least every other day. I'm really stressed out at work. There is some major bull shit going on and I hate it. I have the chance to tranfer to a place I know I'll be happy, but its all up to the higher-ups and right now, I dont really trust the higher-ups. If it doesn't work, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stay there. I leave at the end of the day wanting to cry. ...I guess it could be the baby hormones though... If everyone could just maybe send up a good thought for this tranfer, maybe it will happen... thanks.

Oh yeah...Lake pics!

I forgot about the lake pics...my bad.
We had a great time! Makenna absolutely loved being in the water and on the boat! We told the family about the baby and everyone is excited! anyway...here are the pics! enjoy!

This kid is so already grounded!

I've gotten sick twice today. Thats one more time than I EVER got sick with Mak the entire pregnancy. This is NOT funny. I've been queasey all damn day. My body better get over this real quick. This might end up being a VERY LOOOONG nine months. Oh and check out my pregnancy countdown thingamabobber. its kinda neat.
Oh and the icing on the cake...
The Chinese lunar calander says its going to be a boy. I dont know what to do with boys, I only know girls. BTW, it was right with Makenna...so we'll see.
Oh and Madame Zaritska agrees...
Madame Zaritska's reading:

The day you deliver, outside will be rainy. Your baby will arrive in the morning.
After a labor lasting approximately 14 hours, your child, a boy, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 6 pounds, 11 ounces, and will be 19 inches long. This child will have hazel eyes and be completely bald.

So I may have to kill him afterall...

Before we went to the lake I told him not to be doing stupid 'manly' shit since his knees are already jacked up. He can't just leave well enough alone, and he just told me that he's going to have to make a Dr's appt tomorrow b/c he can not put any weight on his knee...which means no way he'll be able to climb up and down his truck tomorrow. I begged him not to do the tubing b/c I told him that if he fucks up his knee, we're screwed. Now its not just him and I and the baby, now its him, me the baby and the one on the way. If he can't work b/c he jacked his knee up I dont know what we're going to do. We depend on his paycheck. Mine wont be near enough to support us if he has to have surgery...even if he gets FMLA pay..which I dont think he'll get. I am so mad I could seriously shoot him. Why does he always have to think about himself first. Why can't he think of the consequences of his actions before he regrets them later. Does he not realize how much he may have just jeopardized his family all for the sake of some 'fun'. I guess we'll see what the dr says. God he's such an idiot.

So I'm pregnant...

Only by about 4 weeks, but it still counts...lol
We weren't trying, but we weren't preventing either. We had planned to 'officially' start trying next month...so its not really that big of deal. We are both excited. This baby is due at the end of April. Probably around the 27th according to my last period. I have an U/S in 2.5 weeks to get my first sneek peek at the little bean. I'm so excited! I don't really 'feel' pregnant yet. I was kinda shocked to find out I actually was preggo. Especially since I was spotting for over a week before I finally took a test. Its starting to sink in now especially since we told all of my family this weekend at the lake. (btw...see next post for lake pics)
anyway, i'll be updating quite a bit about the progress!

Weekend re-cap...

Well...it was a good weekend...
We had a very short heated argument saturday morning and once we got that out of our system, we sustained the rest of the weekend. I did tell him that I had called a few couselors last week and he agreed that it was a good idea. Which we'd already covered many times before, but things are obviously not getting better on their own. We both want this and we both KNOW that things will get better...we are afterall in the grand scheme of things still new at this, even though it feels like its been a life time.
We had a few friends over for smoked meat saturday night. It was fun. My parents ended up staying the latest...which was about 11pm. My friend Tana also stayed until then, but she was a late arrival anyway. Charlie went to bed...aka...passed out around 10pm...
But all in all, it was a fun evening.
Today we celaned the house...YES! I did say WE! He helped with the kitchen and the laundry! good boy!

OH MY GOD...

I'm so in love with my little girl!

lunch

I'm going to lunch today with my cousin Melanie and my ex-aunt Anita. I"m looking forward to it, but I'm kind of nervous too. Melanie and I have never been the greatest cousins. In fact I spent a large portion of my life hating her. She was spoiled and a HUGE brat. She told me when I was 7 years old that she just didn't like me and she never would. I know its crazy that I still hold a grudge against her for that...being I'm now 27 and she is 29...but still it hurt me. So fast forward 20 years and we are both married and have two beautiful little girls. We have something in common now for the first time in our whole life, and you better believe I am going to build on that. I think the thing is I've always wanted to be like her. My grandparents always wanted me to 'be more like her' and that also strained our relationship. I was jealous and envious of her. I was constantly being compared to her...she was the 'perfect' granddaughter, and I wasn't. I DO like her. Even though she can tend to be a bit flakey at times...But I think we really do have a lot in common and given the opportunity, we could become 'friend-cousins'.
As far as Aunt Anita goes...She was my Uncle's (mel's dad) second of 3 wifes. She ia AWESOME! and unti lMel's wedding I'd only seend her once since she and Bob divorced. I'm so excited to see her today and get a chance to catch up on life. Heck, I was only 2 when they got married and only about 7-8 when they got divorced, so there is a TON to catch up on.
Ok, well I"m supposed to be there in 30 minutes and the baby is still down for her nap so i better get going!

I love you, I just dont really like you right now...

I really don't know what/how I feel about Charles right now. He simply refuses to grow up and be resposible and make sacrifices to better our lives...Don't get me wrong, he 'talks' all the time about what he wants in life (house, new car, vacation...) But when it comes to actually doing anything to achieve these goals, well, thats where the problem lies. I went back to work so that we could pay off our debt and eventually buy a home. This goal is VERY important to me. And I'm willing to sacrafice just abut any good time to save for this. But I can't get him on the same page. He doesn't seem to want to understand the meaning of 'working for what you want'. SUre he works long hours, but on the weekend, I can almost guarantee you our paychecks are gone by Monday. Then he bitches about working 'all these fucking hours for nothing'...well, dear, its your own fucking fault. Lately I find myself wondering..."would I be better off without him?" I know I could make it on my own. It would be tight, but hell it wouldn't be that different than what we're dealing with now. But I know I can sacrifice what it takes to obtain my goals. I feel like he's holding us back...me back... I do love him, but I really dont like him at all right now.... This wednesday I came home and was feeling sick to my stomache. I was laying on the couch when he got home and he asked me what was wrong so I told him....so he proceeds to go sit on his chair and stay there the remainder of the evening while I: cook dinner, feed Mak, give Mak a bath, pick up her toys, put away dinner, start a load of laundry, a load of our clothes, and feed the f-ing dog. Then he wants to know why I'm being 'shitty' to him....uh..gee...
Ok, I'm done for now...until next time...

So I've changed my mind...

I'm not solely going to use this as a Makenna blog...I'm going to use it for MY personal blog. Only a few select people will have access...My PW buddies and a few close friends who I can trust with my thoughts and feelings on life, love and ultimately the pursuit of 'happyness'...

and with that said...(read next blog)

So the latest run down of Mak...

So durring her first year, I sent out e-mails pretty regularly with all the latest Makenna happenings/updates. But somehow, I lost track of time...I guess a VERY active toddler can do that to a girl. So here it is in a not so little nut shell...

Makenna amazes me every day. Last night she woke up crying in the night so I brought her back to bed with me and she laid down next to me and started rubbing my cheek. How does she know just how to make her mommy feel so good?

She is EVERYWHERE! She has discovered she can run and lemme tell ya, she loves to run...away from me! We bought her a new pair of Nike tennis shoes (pink of course) and she walks around so proud now. She shows everyone her new 'shees'. Now if I could only convince her that they really do work better when they are tied...

She loves to talk. Not that we can really understand her, but she sure talks your ear off it you let her...which of course we do. Her favorite thing in the world right now is birds. Every morning when we walk out to the car, she points to all the birds in the grass and says birdie...well, I 'think' thats what shes saying...I can't really understand her. It sounds more like 'beez'. Her vocab includes, MumMum (me!), DaDa, Mama(grandma), Popa(grandpa), dog, hogan (hodee), keekee(kitty), ni-ni(night night), ungee(hungry) and many more 'makenna words'. You know, those words that only Mommy understands. Oh and she says Peez (please).

I love her more than anything I've ever thought I loved before. I love being her mommy. She inspires me to strive to be a better person, for her. She has taught me so much and the meaning of PATIENCE (especially since she had decided that she has no need to wait to be 2 for the terribles...lol) She is sassy and sweet. More than I could have ever wished for or wanted in a little girl!

I've been a bad mommy, and haven't taken her in for her 15 month check up. I need to, but I keep having little anxiety attacks when I think about it, so I just chose not to think about it...problem solved...right? I'll get her in soon, I just need someone to go with me b/c the last round of shots just about did me in...Man this mommy stuff is rough!

She has almost a mouth full of teeth, which might explain the early onset of the terrible twos and her bouts of the poos lately. In the past 2 months she has cut 4 molars and two bottom teeth and I can see her 'eye' teeth coming in along with her 4th top tooth. Here's to more sleepless nights and a very cranky princess...

Well thats it for now...I will be updating with pics and stories quite often!

A page from Loni's book...

So I LOVE Loni's blogspot, so I'm being a copy cat, and creating my own! Thanks Loni! I love you and miss you heaps! I'll call you about Labor Day weekend!