Amen!~Whew its a long one....& LOTS of pics!

This is going to be a long one...

Ok, I am happy to announce that I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It only took 3 weeks to get the final word, but I got it! I will be the assistant manager at Oak Park Village Apartments. It is a 500+ unit complex about 5 minutes from home and 2 minutes from Megan's house where the kids will be. It pays REALLY well and has good benefits (so I hear). I will start January 5th. I am really looking forward to getting back to work and getting out of the hole we've been living in. The best part is it shouldn't take too long to get us back on top thanks to my salary. We're by no means going to be moving out to Halbrook or anything, but for as broke as we've been for as long as we've been, this is a very welcome blessing.
Speaking of blessings, I've been going to church again. By again, I mean the last time I was at church for church was before I was even a teenager. On my own accord I decided it was my time to seek some devine intervention. I became a beliver in prayer by following the Kayleigh Anne Freeman Blog. You know the little girl who wasn't supposed to make it...well, the little fighter is stunning everyone and is healing. It is a true miracle. There was no hope other than prayer and well...the proof is in the pudding so to speak. I am going to Unity. A non-denominational church that focuses on the Christ spirit within all of us. I love it. The since of community is awesome and I feel so welcomed. Makenna is going to the nursery room until she is 3 and she gets to start her sunday school classes. My favorite part is at the end of every service, they bring all the kids to the front of the church to sing the peace song. Makenna LOVES this part. Have I mentioned lately how much she loves the stage?
Another wonderful thing that has happened this week is I got a very welcomed and VERY UNEXPECTED apology from my father in law this week. We have had a very strained relationship the past few years, and we have actually come a long way this year. I had already forgiven him on my own, but he had NEVER so much as acknowleged anything had ever happened. This phone call was very awkward, but in a good way. First off, he never calls to talk to me. This time he called my phone and said "honey, I need to talk to you for a minute" I said "ok?" He proceeds to tell me how much he loves me and that he never meant to hurt me like he did and he was so sorry for the way he had acted in the past. Those words were like instant healing to my heart. It was something that I had been longing for and something I had given up on. I had decided it wasn't helpful to me to hold my resentment as strongly as I was. But still there was hurt there that no ammount of forgiveness can take away, and by him apologizing, it took so much of the hurt away. I am very hopeful that we will continue to improve our relationship and become the friends we once were. I do love the SOB...
Our Christmas was great! We did our traditional family gathering at Brian and Terri's house. None of Dad's side showed up except for his brother who came by for about 10 minutes and somehow forgot about my children but remembered gifts for Sam & Jake...nice huh? But I'm not even upset about it. Its just more rediculousness from them. The rest of the day into night was a blast! Makenna and Sam ran around like mad children. This was day 3 of them playing together all day, and day number 3 of no nap for Makenna so she was tired! She slept until 9am this morning and that is way late for her. Then she took a 3 hour nap and went to bed without a hitch. Its been great! The kids were of course spoiled rotten by Grandma & Grandpa and all the aunts and uncles! We also got a special appearance by the big man himself, Santa! (aka Papa) Emily and Christian announced to the rest of the family that they were engaged and gave out the pics I took for their engagement. We made a ton more memories for the happy times vault and everyone left happy, fat and tired. We even squeezed in a family shot with all the new additions (babies, booyfriends, fiances). If you'll notice all the kiddos are in jammies and everyone looks exhausted...that is because it was taken around 10pm after the ALL DAY festivites. I hope everyone elses Christmas rivaled our good time!
Jackson's surgery is a week from today. I am starting to get very nervous. I watched a show on TLC today where a baby had to go in for a minor surgery, and I bawled like a baby knowing in a week I will be watching them stick my baby with an IV and watch as they wheel him behind a set of overbearing double doors. It maybe a minor surgery but it is a major heartache for me. He does have a cold that seems to be moving into his chest, so there is a chance that they may have to re-schedule until he is healthy. On one hand I hope for that, but on the other it will just prolong the worry. Please say a little prayer for my little man!
Makenna got a large box of 'dress up' outfits from her Aunt Ashey. In this box of greatness was a little microphone. She discovered this tonight and for about an hour straight proceeded to sing and perform in front of us her 'rap' version of Twinkle Little Star and her beautiful rendition of Jingle Bells and Wish You a Merry Christmas as well as many other unrecognizable songs. I swear she is a natural. I wish my camera wasn't dead or I would have shot about a billion pics. I am so in awe of her. Her spunk and personality is just amazing. I asked her tonight if she wanted to do singing lessons or dance lessons to which she responded "both, I'm going to sing and dance at Chuck E Cheese!" (of course it wasn't so annunciated, but I understood what she was saying.) Her new favorite phrase is "______ not koporating" ('fill in the blank' not cooperating". Tonight her Jammie pants were not koporating and it was very 'Noying'. I don't know where she gets these things...LOL
Ok, I'm going to wrap it up now. Not that you will notice but I am doing some blog cleaning and getting rid of some of the more negative blogs. Things are really going to start getting better, and I want to focus on the positives again.
Please enjoy the 500 pics I'm about to post as well!..No really, there are a TON!

Cuteness before Chaos...




Now what have we got here?

Wow I must have been good! Santa brought me candy!

WooHooHoo score!

The big cheese

Mak & Aunt Emmy

Jake & Gramma (Jake by the way is HUGE!)

Santa visits


Jackson and Unle Brian

Mmm paper!

more paper!

The Whole Fam-Damily (the 'fun' shot..notice the nerf guns)
back: Brian, Mom, Dad, Charlie
front: Terri, Sam, Emily, Makenna, Christian, Jack, Me, Ashley, Matt

Aunt Ashey & Sammy

Matt & Ash

And finally...Congrats to my lil'sis and her man!

Little updates.

First off, please keep Kayleigh Anne Freeman & her family in your thoughts and prayers. It seems her fight is soon going to be over. (see blog list)

Jackson is scheduled for surgery on January 2nd. Not exactly what I want to deal with right now, but its for the best.

Grandma's service was on Monday. Still not sure what to think.

Charlie's knee doctor is at a loss for what the next step will be. We will be seeking a 2nd opinion shortly. He has had no relief from his pain.

Still no word on when my job will start. I have talked with the manager who assures me that the job is mine, she just has to wait for the home office to approve my hiring. It is 2 weeks tomorrow since I was 'unofficially' hired. I have been applying at other places still just in case.

The insurance thing is still unresolved. *Patty I will be emailing you in regards to what is going on to get your take on it.

I have the best mom and dad in the world. Thanks for taking your 'mooch' daughter and family out for dinner tonight. I love you.

Makenna is...hmmm...well, she's 2. Tonight at the restaurant she said hi to EVERYONE. Oh and at Church she LOVES it when she gets to come into 'big' church with the rest of the kids so she can sing on the stage in front of the congregation. She's not a diva or anything.

Things just really suck right now.

I don't even know where to begin. Nothing is going right. At a time when we thought things were finally going to start getting easier, once again life has blown up in our faces. Its like a cruel joke someone is playing on us. I give up. You win whoever you are.

After 3 months of looking I tentatively get offered a job that I think I will really enjoy. I had to wait on an e-mail from home office, then go for my drug test. E-mail never arrived and for the past week I've tried to get ahold of said job, and can't get anyone to return my phone call or send me the paperwork that I need to start.

Grandma is gone and although I'm not really upset about it, there are some weird feelings going on in my head. But any service to be held wont be until next week, which if this job thing works out, its going to suck having to take time off work right off the get go.

I took Jack for his 6 month check up (a month and a half later). I get more crap for our past-due balance that we are still fighting the insurance about. I tell his Dr about the appt at children's mercy and that the Dr there said they don't do anything until 14 months. Turns out this Dr isn't the one who I was supposed to see, and now there is a rush to get Jack back in for a consultation and get his surgery scheduled. Again, great now that I 'think' I have a job.

The insurance company is still not paying any of Jack's bills from his birth to May 1st. Thats a whole long mess of a deal and the longer it goes the madder I get. I have a feeling we're going to end up being screwed.

We need me to be working now worse than ever. X-mas is going to suck for the kids, but at least they are too young to remember this. Doesn't make us feel any less like loser parents.

Charlie's knee is killing him more than ever. He almost fell off his truck the other day b/c he tweaked it and it hurt so bad.

I'm so tired of having nothing good to say...

She's gone

Grandma died today.

If she only knew....

Dear Melanie,
I'm sure on the surface to you it looks like we are all treating your poor grandmother 'horribly'. I guess Grandpa may be ashamed of us if he were here, but you know what, its not your place to throw accusations. I'm sure when you were growing up, your grandmother told you how pretty you were and how smart you were and how you were going places in life. Unfortunately, my grandmother told me every chance she got, how fat I was, or how stupid I was, or how I would never amount to anything. She also constantly reminded me how I would never measure up to YOU. Growing up I wanted nothing more than to be you. Afterall, you were grandma's favorite and she would have to love me if I was more like you...right? But alas, nothing I did was ever good enough. Being young and naieve, I played the pawn. When grandma needed shit cleaned up at her house, I volunteered. I was paid. Too bad the only 'alone' time I ever had with that woman was when I was acting her loyal servant housecleaner, and all the while all I heard was how I just wasn't good enough. But I got to hear all the wonderful ways that you could walk on water. Growing up I HATED you. I've worked on that. In fact, I've come a long way. But this isn't about you. There are just some things you can't talk about and this is one of them. You see, you will probably never know any of this. There is no easy way to explain my personal feelings for the woman. Im sure everyone else has their reasons for feeling the way they do too, but its not my place. You are comfortable with your blinders on and thats ok. But what is NOT ok is for you to generalize to everyone that Grandpa would be ashamed of us. Keep in mind she refused to let Grandpa die with dignity in a nice place, but you damn well better believe her sorry ass is in a swanky joint at the foot of Mission Hills. Explain that one to me. The only good thing about that woman was Grandpa. Too bad he had to leave us first. You see, the ones Grandpa are supposedly 'ashamed' of are the ones who really know whats going on and what kind of person she is. I'm not judging her for what she did, that also, is not my place. However, I will not cry when she dies as I did when Grandpa left. I will however, be very sad. Instead of a life full of memories of baking cookies, hugs and kisses, I remember being forever reminded of what a disappointment I was to her and that hurts more than anything you or she will ever know. You think Grandpa is ashamed of me? I know that Grandpa loved me, he told me every chance he got, but you know what, I NEVER remember hearing those 3 little words out of her mouth once and I wanted it more than anything. So forgive me for not dropping everything in my so-called worthless life to sit vigil at her death bed. I pray she goes quickly and peacefully so we can all finally start healing from the hurt she caused. Persoanlly, I don't think shes going anywhere anytime soon, shes not done with us...
God Bless,
Your cousin

Its 10:48pm and...

I'm getting ready to hit the shops at midnight!!!! I can't wait! I LOVE Black Friday! Not that we have a lot of money, but hopefully I'll be able to take full advantage of the deals the retailers are giving out!


And tune in tomorrow for lots of updates...

You're invited to my pity party.

I didn't get the job I had been hoping for. It wasn't a dream job or anything, but it was a job I knew I could do well, and the interview went great, so I had a really good feeling that I landed it. I called today to talk with the manager, and was told that my answers on a questionier suggest that I am not 'management material' and that the home office would keep my resume on file...blah blah blah. I was so shocked to hear what she was saying. Durring the interview I told her how I had 100% collection and 0% delinquency and she was impressed. She said they could use someone like me for sure. I didn't quite have the total experience time they were looking for, but my record spoke volumes for the kind of asset I could be to a company. But because I answered a stupid rate how you react on a scale of 1-5 wrong, I'm not management material. I stupidly put a lot on this interview. I started feeling relieved that I would finally be heading back to work and the money crunch would loosen a bit. I got my hopes up, way up and just like the story of my life goes, I failed miserably.
Charles is going in for his first knee surgery on the 21st. He will be out of work for at least a week. His company offers no short term disability so the time he is off is all unpaid. If I don't have a job by then, I dont know what will happen.
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and there is nothing that will ease it. I've treid to find a job. I've submitted over 40 resumes to various companies. I dont know what else to do. I need a job and can't find one. My confidence is in the shitter right now and I feel like my family will be in ruin if I can't get this figured out. We already have a hard time paying our bills, what happens when we have absolutely no income? I'm just scared right now.

Thank God for Blogging!...and Loni

I was just thinking that I am so thankful for the wonderful world of blogs. Not just to help me keep my sanity at times, but to keep up with all my friends who live nowhere close to me...at least not close enough to where I could just call them up and say 'hey lets go to lunch' and be there. I follow my best freind Loni's blog all the time. Its one of the first things I check on the computer everyday (second to my e-mail which automatically pops up as my homepage). I miss her so much and am so glad that even though 'Aunt' Liz can't be there to see the girls in person, I get to share Halloween and any other 'big deals' going on in their lives. I get to keep up with her eventhough I don't call her on the phone everyday or nearly as much as I should.
Everyday lately, I check to see if there is any progression towards the arrival of baby girl #3. Not only am I excited for her arrival, but it means that very soon I'll be making the short trek down Wichita way to meet the little doll and see her big sisters again, and most importantly to give my best friend that long overdue hug. I don't even know that she knows that this is the plan, but we (Charlie and I) have decided that even if we just drive down to see them and turn back around, we are going to go when Allison is born. Not sure if the kids will come along or not, but I need it. I need to see the person who means so much to me and has shared such a huge part of my life. Like the time in Cancun, when I was (unknowingly) suffering the ill effects of Mono, my best friend was there to make sure I had a beer or magarita in hand to make me feel better...Sure I could have died, but at least I would have been drunk and happy in the company of my best friend. We have lots of stories like that. We were the kids that our parents warned us about...but I had some of the best times of my life with my Loni.
She was also there for me durring one of the hardest times in my life. When a person who I thought at the time was my friend stepped out of my life because she just couldn't deal with what had been thrown at me, Loni stood by me and 'held' my hand and supported me and got drunk with me, and cried with me, and did ...um, other things with me. She kept me grounded when my world was falling apart. She was the only person I wanted to talk to when I had to talk to other people. She was just my friend, with no strings attached, through thick and thin. In the middle of everything, I went home with her for awhile. I was there when her and Larry 'hooked up'...in the back seat of my car. Her family became my extended family. Her mom and dad, are just awesome people. There just isn't much negative I could say about Loni...well, while we lived together, she did have some issues with laundry, but I guess if thats all I can say, it can't be that bad. So anyway, my Ode to Blagging turned into my Ode to Loni and I dont care, because I love her and she is and always will be my best friend forever. I love you Loni!

Dammit Makenna GO TO BED!

I LOVE makenna, I just really don't like the phase she is in now. I wish I could send her somewhere until this passes so I can get my happy-go-lucky, somewhat disciplined little girl back.

It is 10:30 and I just caught her downstairs (who knows where the damn gate lock is) again. Bedtime was 8pm, so we are going on 3 hours of not going to bed. I've tried everything, routine, no naps, spanking, reasoning, and she still gets up and cries/yells/hollars at her gate (when the lock is on) or she sneaks downstairs. The horrible bed time is just the icing on the cake of a looooooong day of her attitude. This has been going on for about 2 weeks now.

Everyone tells me 3 is worse, but I dont even consider this the terrible 2s I've never seen kids act this way. She has gone from a good girl to being an absolute snot. When did 2 year olds start rolling their eyes when told to do something, or saying "No you do it" when told to pick up a mess. If it gets worse, I fear for my sanity. She stresses me out to no end right now. Like I dont have enough going on, now she has turned into the spawn of satan.

Yay me!

Our not so great day at the pumpkin patch...& other pics.

We went to the pumpkin patch with grandma on Saturday. It was a beautiful day but, for reasons only knows to the princess, she was NOT in the mood. We did end up having an overall good time, but the pictures dont really reflect that. She also ended up in a really good mood because we got to go play with Sammy after the pumpkin patch. Jackson seemed to enjoy the hayrides and seeing all the new sights. He is so fun to watch! The rest of the pics are just miscelaneous shots I've taken this week.

the start of the day...can't you see the joy on her face...lol

it looks like she was smiling, but really shes just being blinded by the sun.

Family pic.

and the last straw...3 generations.

Jack had a good time though!


the other pics.

When the gate fails & Jack-Jack milestones!

Makenna has figured out how to open the 'ultra child-proof' gate that is on her door. The kind you have to slide the latch over and lift at the same time...yeah...easy as pie now. I think I'll put a child-proof sliding lock on the ultra child proof baby gate and maybe that will deter her escapes again...for now.

Jackson has finally figured out the whole rolling over thing!!! He log rolls now, and I'm already regreting saying anything. So much for a stationary baby! He also laughed repeatedly today! The most awesome sound in the world! I love my baby boy and I'm sad he is growing up so fast. 6 months on Thursday...

10 minutes?

Makenna is convinced that all deadlines arrive in 10 minutes.

"babygirl, its bed time"~Me
"in ten minutes?"~Mak

"the TV needs to be turned off now"~Me
"in 10 mintues?"~Mak

"munkee, do you need to go potty?"~Me
"in 10 minues."~ Mak

"Makenna, mommy has to go bye-bye for a little bit, I'll be back soon"
"see you in 10 minutes"

And so far, as long as you agree to '10 minutes' (whether its really 5 or 15) she seems to be much more agreeable in return.


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Just as much as this stage is wearing on me, I LOVE the way her little brain is figuring things out. She says the most grown up things now. We're still working on the 'shut up' thing. Not so much her telling us to SU, but we never realized how often the phrase is used...especially in kid's movies. We got The Incredibles from Netflix and everytime she watches it, she turns to us when one of the characters says SU and says "no, no, {you} don't say shu-up". Also, I think we emphasized the wrong 'lesson'. She still tells me to "hush" or "be quiet" when I'm telling her to do something.

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Jackson is rolling over now! Back to tummy on purpose, and tummy to back, occasionally in his sleep. He is 5 and a half months old. His cousin Jake started rolling over this week too...he is 10wks younger. I can't help but have a twinge of worry about how long it took him, but I know all kids progress at different rates. I am working on his upper body support. He seems to still be quite wobbly in his head control at times and shows no interest in sitting up on his own. Even in the Bumbo chair he is very 'blobish'. I think the problem is I hold him way too often or he spends a lot of time in his swing. Not enough time on the floor learning how his body works. He has is 6 month check up in 2 weeks so hopefully we'll have some new tricks by then.
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I have my job interview tomorrow for the staffing agency. I am going, but I really dont want to find a job through an agency. I also have an initial interview for a senior living facility up the street from us for a move-in coordinator. I'd really like that job, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Megan loaned me some shoes to wear and I have one pair of 'work' pants that fit right now. Not sure what I'm going to do for shirts. I have 2 nice shirts, but that wont get me too far. I might check out the thrift store down the road to see if I can find anything cheap but doesn't look like I bought it from the thrift store. I really hope we can get out of the poor house soon. I hate living there.

lucky me

I was feeling perfectly fine just a few short hours ago. Now its 2:25am and I woke up at 1:30am with horrible sinus pressure and pain and that lovely nasty thick green gunk oozing from my nose. I can't breathe and I feel like poo. How do I go from perfectly healthy to this in the matter of a couple of hours...and all while I'm asleep???

m-f-w-y-C-R-A-P-v-q

Today Makenna was playing with her letter magnets and Megan walked into the kitchen and started laughing. She told me to come see what my little prodigy had spelled with her letters. m,f,w,y,v&q are all blue & green, but right in the middle is C-R-A-P in bright yellow and red! She had no clue what we were laughing at, but she thought it was amusing just the same. She even agreed to let me snap a quick pic of her next to her 'wetters'.

This funny little moment is brought to you by the number 2 and the letters C-R-A & P!

pretty pictures...

...of pretty kids!

Makenna meets the Backyardigans!



The kids at the Farmstead...I just happened to catch a 'happyish' look on Maks face, she was throwing a fit at the time.


My little beauty in her mermaid shades and ice cream face.


Mr. Personality.


Jack's first taste of rice cereal. He'd love it if he could figure out what to do with it!




what my house looks like EVERY DAY!

i dont feel good...purging my brain.

physically.
emotionally.
mentally.

I hate PMS...

this too shall pass, this too shall pass...


I have an interview next tuesday.
Charlie and I had our fight, but made out on good terms.
Potty training is NOT going so good all of a sudden.
Jack thinks sleeping (naps or night) is not necessary anymore.
I don't remember how I raised Makenna and I'm confused by what to do with Jack.
Jack is the sweetest thing ever and I fall more in love with him everytime I look at him.
Hes talking to me through the monitor right now.
I feel like I've made people mad at me recently and didn't mean to.
I'm missing my friends really bad.
Why do all my friends have to live so far away?
Is missing your best friend a good enough reason to move far away?
(i think so, charlie, not so much)
My other best friend is upset with me b/c I couldn't afford to go to her wedding.
I really want to go to school to prove that i'm not a loser.
Makenna is out with Megan and I miss them both.
I feel sick...but I'm not sick.
I'm exhausted.
Charlie had to take 'my' car b/c the cavalier is out of gas and we have no money for gas.
There is nothing in our fridge or pantry for dinner.
We took Mak to her first trial Gym class and she LOVED it, but we can't afford for her to go.
I still love my husband & i'm glad we made it through our fight & he still held me that night.
Makenna is obsessed with the fish at Bass Pro shop so we're going there AGAIN this weekend.
I'm ready for things to not be so stressful.
It could be worse and I should be thankful for what we do have.

why it affects me.

I just had an hour long phone conversation with our counselor. Charles and I have a cycle, well many of them actually, that we are having a hard time breaking. The one in question today, is a pretty major one concerning finances...and lack of. We have a good streak of getting along great (usually when there is money in the bank) then it all ends in what I can only discribe as a 'big bang' (when the money is low or non-existent). It sucks to have money control so much of your life, and it sucks even more to have it cause such massive fights that make you want to throw in the towel.
This time, I knew the bang was coming when I checked the bank account and discovered that my very carefully executed plan to not go overdrawn had failed miserably due to some behind-my-back transactions by my husband. I called him and he immediately 'had to go' convieniently. Feeling my blood pressure rise at an amazing speed, I decided to take a different approach. I called our counselor and asked her for help to calm me down. To get me back to 'me' so to speak, with the hopes that we might be able to avoid such a huge fight. I'm so glad I did this, because in our phone session, I realized a lot about myself. I realized that I get so mad (aside from obvious reasons) because this is a cycle that I carry with me from my childhood. I dont think my childhood was bad by any means but a large part of it was hearing my parents fight...a lot...about money. I know Mom reads this, and I'm not going to go into detail, but she knows, she was there. I know what money and lack of it can do to a marriage. I fear this happening to me and my marriage.
I learned that what we fear we allow to control us which is what I have done. By being so fearful of becoming 'my parents' I have become them. Instead of allowing myself to break the cycle, I became comfortable in it and am left with repeating it over and over. Now sure, Charles has a part in this as well, which she will address durring a private session with him, but I can only control how I react in these situations. I also did something I shouldn't have, but to me in my reaction it was the only thing I knew to do to keep this from happening. I cancelled his debit card. He is not aware of this yet, but when he finds out, he is not going to be happy. I wish I would have talked to our counselor first, but whats done is done. She said she understands why I did, but it wasn't fair for me to take full control over the situation without first coming back down to 'me'. However, I know that as much as it will make him mad, he is too compulsive to have access to what little money we have. The only reason we have been overdrawn recently is because of him using his debit card multiple times a day without letting me know.

I am supposed to remember the Serenity Poem in times like this, which honestly, I have attempted to do, but I am going to try to recite it to myself before I fly off the handle in the future...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Oh great...it starts...

We have been working on words that Makenna has picked up that we would perfer her not use. Thank goodness she hasn't really said any of the 'bad' words yet, but she has started saying "shut up" quite often. Never in a mean way, just something that would slip out here and there while playing. We have tried to limit our use of the phrase and replacing it with "hush" or "be quiet please".
So tonight, after we had a pretty good weekend, we were starting our bedtime routine at normal time, with nothing out of the ordinary. Makenna decided that she wasn't ready for bed. We put her diaper on for bed, and immediately told us "I peed". So we take her diaper off to check and sure enough she peed. Normally, it wouldn't be a big deal, but she had that 'look' in her eye...like this was not an accident. This was a calculated pee. I ask her if she needs to go to the potty anymore before her new diaper gets put on. She says yes. I told her that she needed to go quickly because it was bed time. She goes to the bathroom and slams the door and shouts for us to "yeeme awone". I go in after her and tell her that she is not to talk to mommy and daddy like that and she is deffinitely not to slam the doors. To this she responds at the top of her lungs, clear as day, "SHUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUP!"
Needless to say her bathroom trip was over and she went quickly to bed.

my first ever political rant

I have never been more educated about an election as I have been about the 2008 election. I am voting for change. I think Obama holds the best hope for our country. I think McCain is a 'mini-Bush' and Palin is just a flat out idiot who has no business even thinking about running our country.

I am terrified of this new 'bail out plan' to help the idiots on wall street at the expense of the little man. So we bail out these big companies who screwed themselves, and in return we get stuck with higher (a lot higher I hear) income tax. But then the economy is still screwed because now the little man's paychecks are greatly reduced to help the rich idiots and there is no money left over to return to the struggling economy. Hello recession. Then the little man who may have had a few bumps in the road of credit, can now never dream of having that house b/c the loans needed to aquire said house have interest rates that are incomprehensible.

Oh well...at least when you rent, you have maintenance free living...that is if you have a landlord that gives a fuck....I love being a little man.

a cruel twist...

Everyone who knows my husband knows that he has horrible knees. You dont evenreally have to know him to know this, you just have to watch him walk. For years now, he has been living with the pain and being the 'tough guy'. He can't do it anymore. We made an apointment with the Dr who did Mom's knee replacement. Dr. Salin (aka...dr hottie-pants) is a very nice guy. Durring Charlie's first appt with him, he could deffinitely feel somethinns were not right, so ordered an MRI on both knees. The next day we went in and had it done. We were relieved to finally get to a point where they will finally be able to tell him what is wrong and what to do to get them fixed so he won't be in pain anymore. We wait for a few days and finally get a call from Dr' Salin's nurse. Turns out the MRI's were clean...as in they showed NOTHING wrong with his knees. My jaw dropped. I couldn't belive what she just told me. She tells me Dr Salin wants to have Charlie come in for cortizone injections b/c now more than likely the pain is caused by inflamation since nothing showed up on the MRI. I hesitate to call Charlie with the news because A. it wasn't the news we were hoping for, and B. my big bad burly manly man is reduced to a weepy sack of sap at the sight of needles. Reluctantly I call him and relay the news. I can hear the disappointment in his voice. He promised me that he was not making this up and it wasn't all in his head. Which I have never doubted in a million years. We make the appointment for the following Monday for the injections. We get in there and the Dr pretty much tells us he is baffled at the lack of anything on the MRI compared to the pain Charlie is experiencing. After many many questions and I dont know answers, it was time for the shots. My poor hubby. He was terrified! He practically hyperventillated right there on the bed. The Dr was very patient with him and we all remained light hearted. I love this kind of stuff so I watched with excitement... The shots are administered rather quickly. Immediately his right knee feels 100% better. He says its like he just got a brand new knee. The left one however, had no effect. Still as painful as ever. The Dr says give it a couple of hours for the numbing agent to work and a few days for the cortizone to work. Charlie calls me 3 hours later, still no change in his left knee and now his right knee is going back to being just as painful. By that evening, it was like nothing had been done at all. He came home and broke down. I feel awful for him. Being in pain for years, being told there is nothing worng, and the one thing that should 'fix' it did absolutely nothing. The next step is scoping the knees to find the problem. This sucks.

Ok...

Here is what I am going to do to better our lives.
I am going back to school. Not a quick fix by any means, but in the long run things can only get better. I am going to enter **fingers crossed** the pre/nursing program at johnson county community college. Not exactly sure how I'm going to pay for this, but god-willing, it will happen.
I have filled out the FAFSA form, but am worried b/c last year was a high income year for us. Now with me not working and Charlie losing all of his OT (not to mention about to be out of work b/c of surgery) we're bringing in about 1/4 of what we were bringing in then. However, based on what I entered, they estimate my expected family contribution to be almost $10,000....TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS....What the hell??? Things are NOT the same now as they were last year. So am I screwed as far as getting aid? I really do need it.
My other obstical is math. I am HORRIBLE at math. Give me a novel and I can produce a fine essay about it, give me a few letters and numbers and I can tell you the elements which make up whatever, in fact give me anything but a mathimatecal equation and I can probably figure it out, but give me an algebra question and the likely response from me will be...duh? Numbers just dont add up in my head. I barely graduated with enough credits in HS for math, I tried taking the lowest math course at KU and failed, same thing at Juco a few years back. I just can't figure it out. For the nursing program I have to make a c or above in college algebra. What am I going to do???
All I can do is my best. I know I need to do this. I've never had a family depending on me to motivate me to understand, so hopefully something will click in my head to make all the numbers and symbols have meaning to my brain. I can't really be that math stupid can I???

So thats it in a nutshell. How I am going to save my family from living in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere.

Wish me luck!

What makes it all worth it...

my beautiful family...




finger painting w/ my friend's boy Caleb (occasional daycare kiddo...LOVE those cheekies!!!)



Makenna's halloween costume...a princess of course...(btw, BAD idea trying it on beforehand. It has been hidden now!..lol)

Jack update~A bit irritated...yet so relieved!

So since Jackson was born, his pediatrician has been telling us he has to have this surgery before he turns six months. He made it sound like its a matter of Jack being able to have kids or not or developing cancer or not. So naturally we've been worried sick about it. Making sure that we got him in right away to the Urologist like we were told to. Today was the meeting with the Urologist at Children's Mercy hospital and you know what he said to me? "Why are you bringing him in for this already?" At first I was thinking F-You! Then he explained that they RARELY do this surgery before 14months. The only ones he does sooner are ones with special circumstance and medical needs. He takes a peek re-affirms that yes indeed there is not a palpable testicle on his left side and give him a call when Jack is one, and we will go from there. Thanks and have a nice day... I told him the what the pedi said and he said he was going to call him and tell him that there is no rush on correcting this. So all these months of worry and stress have been for absolutely NOTHING!!! I am so upset at his pediatrician for putting us through this. If I didn't like him so much I would switch.

However, can I tell you how relieved I am that we dont need to worry about this for another year! Woo hoo...no cutting on my baby...yet.

He did say that most likely they will have to go through his belly button to find his testi and then go through his abdomen to bring it down which is the outcome we were hoping to avoid, but he couldn't feel it at all. He also told us to be optimistic but realistic and that it probably will not end up dropping on its own.

Walls closing in quickly

I have so much on my mind lately. I could write it all down, but it would be a novel. But things are about to get a lot harder on us, and considering we're already pretty bad off, I can't wrap my mind around how bad things are going to be. I am desperately looking for evening work and the only probable option I've found is a job that has the hours of 5pm-5am Sun-Wed, on top of watching kids durring the day to make ends meet. So pretty much I'd be working 24 hours straight....wait a minute...when am I supposed to sleep??? But unfortunately I don't have much choice if I want to keep us afloat. See, Charlie has decided he can't take the pain in his knees anymore. I dont blame him, he's gone 5 years with torn ACLs in both knees. This just couldn't be a worse time for him to be off work. But then again, its to the point where it hurts too bad for him to go to work. So for 4-6 weeks at least, he will be out of work...with no money...with bills still coming in... We have plenty of accident insurance that would cover his pay, except this isn't covered under the term 'accident' since the 'accident' happened years ago and he doesn't have short term disabliliy through his work. So the only choice is for me to go to work. I would just work FT durring the night, but I wouldn't make enough so I would still need to watch kids durring the day. And since he'll pretty much be milking the shit out of this ordeal, I'll have to watch our kids, plus daycare kids, plus him, plus take care of the dog, then go to work all night, just to get back home in time for it to start all over again. Its impossible, but I dont know what other choice we/I have. Plus we have Jack's surgery coming up so we are going to have even more medical bills out the wazoo. I just want to scream. I don't know what to do. His 1st appt is Friday at 12:30. Jacks sono appt is tomorrow at 1:15 and we will schedule surgery.

the mommy-do

I cut all my hair off...well my friend, Tana, cut it actually. I now have the short mommy-do. But thankfully Tana put some pizzaz and 'spunk' into it so its not so 'mommy-ish'. I love it though!!! I just wish that I could recreate the look of fresh out of the salon hair. It never quite looks the same when I do it. I'll try tp get a pic of it tomorrow.

Jack-Jack update

We had his 4 month check up yesterday afternoon. It went really well. We bypassed the shots since he had just gotten over the fever. We go in on the 2nd for those though. But it should just be in and out. He weighs 14lbs 14oz (48%) and is 25.5in (51%). His head is still measuring small at 16.22in (20%). But as long as its growing its all good. His bump is just a calcium deposit and it will either fade with time or it will be there forever. Nothing to worry about though. The dr tried to manipulate his lil'nutter down and Jack did NOT appreciate that! But the more he messed with it the higher it receeded unto his abdomen. So I got the referral to a Urologist at Children's Mercy and I have an appointment on Sept 11th. They will just do the ultra sound at that point and we will schedule the surgery. I'm just ready to get it all done so I can stop worrying so much about my boy.
I really like Jack's Dr. He has the best bed-side manner of any Dr, pedi or otherwise, that I have ever experienced. He makes me feel so at ease and he is so good with the baby. NOt only does he gush about Jack when we are there, he is very good at re-assuring me and my mothering skills. He holds your hand when he speaks with you and gives a hug when you leave too. He is just super nice. I love his big bow tie too.
Anyway, I will update after his appointment on the 11th.

Its 5:00am and day #2 of no sleep

My poor baby. He is just miserable. I am going to take him in to the pedi this morning. His fever seems to have subsidded (for now) but his poor tummy is all out of sorts. He tries to throw up, but nothing comes up, he had a diarreha diaper yesterday and that was the last time he poo'd. I can hear his insides just churning and gurgling. He'll wake up from sleep with the most heartbreaking cry I've ever heard and hes pretty much inconsolable for about 20 minutes until he passes out, only to wake up in the same manner 20 minutes later. I'm exhausted and starting to not feel so hot myself. My husband had the audasity to tell me that the 15 minutes of sleep he's gotten aren't doing him any good, but he didn't mean it like that... I'm at my witts end and do not want to watch the heathen child I watch tomorrow. I'm going to make Charlie call in sick so he can stay here with Mak and Lauren while I take the baby in. I need sleep.

2 sick babies in a week

Last wednesday Makenna was stricken with a pretty fast on-set fever. She threw up a few times moped around for awhile, and then she was all better. I tried to keep the kids 'away' from each other, but it was all in vain. Last night, Jackson spiked a pretty good fever and tried numerous times to get sick, but all he got out were a few good gags. He cried more in the last 24 hours than he has his entire life. I got absolutely no sleep last night as he was so mierable. He was not a happy camper today either. I really hope it goes away as quick as it did with Makenna. His appt is on tuesday and I will not allow them to admisiter shots if he has had a fever within 24 hours.

Jack-Jack's bed

We bought a beautiful convertible crib for Jackson. Its a lovely dark cherry color and eventually it converts to the toddler bed and finally the full size bed. We have the same type for Makenna. When Makenna turned 3 months old, I put her in her bed. Didn't worry about it. Felt it was the right time. She didn't oppose it either. Fast forward 2 years and 4 months. Jackson is 4 months and well, he is still sleeping in our bed. He starts out in his bassinet next to our bed, but I always find some excuse to bring him closer to me. He fussed (he actually just coo-ed in his sleep), he was fidgeting (he actually was just moving an arm or leg), or he was gassy (he burped or tooted). I don't know why I'm having such a had time moving him to his bed. Its just right across the hall and I have a monitor to listen to him. I know we need him to get used to his bed...and sooner rather than later. I just am having a hard time 'letting go'. Well, tonight, I got his crib all ready for him. I put his blankie that he sleeps on from his bassinet, set up the monitor, got his changing station all ready to go. All thats missing is him. I'm not guaranteeing he'll make it through the night, but at least he's starting out in his own bed. Here's too another night of no sleep...(for me)

getting scared

Jackson's appt is next tuesday. I'm really worried about this one. At his 2 month check up the Dr said that we would schedule his surgery to drop his testicle at his 4 month check up. I know this is a relatively routine proceedure, but funny thing is NO ONE on any of my on-line parenting community boards, has any experience with it. I've grown to really trust and seek advise from my on-line friends, and to have not one mom know anything about this, really doesn't help my nerves. We have moms from every walk of life that have gone through some pretty insane situations with thier babies and not one person has a son or knows a friend who has a son who has had this surgery. I'm going to post again to my most active boards asking if anyone has any input, because I just need some reassurance. I hate the thought of leaving him in the hospital even though it is out patient, I still get so nervous about it. I have to be the strong one b/c Charlie isn't, so I have to pretend that I'm confident everything is going to be ok. I have to put on the "I know whats going on, so its all ok" act to keep him calm. When we talk about it I can't let on how scared and nervous I am. Even people I try to talk to just brush it off saying "well its pretty routine right, ... so don't worry about it." Not really what I'm looking for. I need someone to listen to how scared I am, however silly or irrational it might be. My baby is going to be put to sleep and cut on. I'm going to have to sign the waiver saying your child could (although not likely) die. I'm NOT ok with this. Yes I understand why it is happening, but its not comforting. I hate this.

6:30

So evidently Makenna has decided that she does not need a nap anymore. I would actually be ok with this if it didn't mean that around 6:30 she swapped places with her evil twin. She took one nap this past week and every night I was ready to put her to bed at 6:45! She turns into a holy terror. She whines, cries, screams, throws fits, wont listen, answers EVERY question with "NO! we me awone". She spends quite a bit of time in time out after 6:30. I hate 6:30. I've tried bribery, being mean mommy, rocking her, reasoning, waiting until later in the day...everything, and she will not go to sleep. I even have just let her 'rest' on the couch while watching her favorite movie. Still nothing. I hope this is a phase and nap time becomes a part of our routine again...SOON! I used to love 6:30.

hogan~dont read if you have a weak tummy~

I think he is sick. Well I know he is sick. He started having 'regular' diarrea yesterday around 10am. Not really that big of a deal with him b/c he has always had a sensitive digestive system. However, it has gotten 100 times worse and he is vomiting. We decided to have him sleep in his kennel last night and around 4:00am I couldn't take the non stop barking anymore and went down to tell him to shut up. I was greeted about halfway down the upstairs with that all too familiar smell. By the time I hit the basement stairs, I was scared. I should have been. It was everywhere. The entire bottom of the kennel was covered in feces and vomit. Oh joy. I carry his 60lbs ass up the stairs out to the deck trying very hard not to let him touch anything. I hose him off and go upstairs to get Charles. Its his dog, so his mess I think. That actually went rather well inspite of the PMS (see previous blog entry). So here it is now, 5:38am and the dog is outside wanting desperately to come in, the kennel is clean, Charlie is in the shower, and I'm trying to figure out what to do now. I am going to put a call into the vet once they open. We haven't fed him or given him more than a drink of water since yesterday morning. But it doesn't seem to be easing the problem. I hope that its nothing too serious, b/c we can NOT afford a vet bill right now and if anything happens to Hogan, somehow, according to a certain someone, I know it will be my fault b/c of my on-going strong dislike of the dog. But our son has to have surgery soon and we have to figure out how to not only pay off my medical bills from his birth but now figure out how to pay for these new medical bills...Son or dog....its an easy one for me.

PMS

I have a new meaning...
Pissed off at the Male Species

I have PMS bad. I always have. Lately it seems to be getting worse. I am pissed off all the time and generally hate the world. My poor husban dunfortunately takes the brunt of it. Like this past week. We had one of the best weekends every last week and I will admit it felt like we were back in the 'honeymoon' phase of our relationship...the one that happens even before there is even talk of a wedding. Lots of connection, lots of love and amazingly enopugh...lots of sex. Fast forward to this week. i hate him! (not really) but you'd think so. I can't make it stop. Yes I can sit here and tell you all about it, and I know it is there, but its like it has this strong hold on me. Kinda like an out of body experience in a way. I'm not proud of it, but I am powerless to control it. I can't go on the pill because well I'd rather be a bitch than bleed all month long. I am going to try to be healthier b/c according to the Mayo clinic PMS can have a lot to do with your diet and excersize (is that spelled right?). So I am going to set a goal for this week of cutting WAAAAY down on my pop intake and maybe beg my mom (if its not being used) to steal the eliptical machine they have in the basement. I've set a goal to lose 50lbs by Christmas, but that was 2 months ago and well....I've done nothing to achieve that goal. So I'm putting it in writing, and you all feel free to ask me how I'm coming along. I'd really like to get teh Nintendo Wii so that I can have the damn computer call me fat! Nothing like a little technological motivation! Ok, Its late and I have to go to bed now...they say sleep deprivation is also a contributor to PMS...gee imagine that, a new mom is cranky because she is tired...

Wanna watch Monsters?

There are 3 movies that Makenna loves...Monsters Inc, Cars and Little Mermaid. I dont usually let her watch unlimited amounts of tv/movies, but I have noticed that she is completely content watching the same movie over and over again. Right now her favorite is Monsters Inc. The other day I wasn't feeling well, and I asked her what she wanted to watch and she said Monsters. I put it in skipped through all the previews and selected full screen and all was well with the world. She sat in her princess couch and watched. Then it was over she turned to me and in the sweetest most innocent voice asked "watch monsters again?" I said heck with it sure...Mommy was getting to rest on the couch. She proceeded to watch it (not a proud moment) for the rest of the day. I would ask if she wanted to watch little bill or another movie, but she was 100% happy with her monsters. So my daughter watched TV all day and I didn't care. that evening we turned off the tv and played and she was still as smart as she was to begin with so I guess I didn't do too much damage! I am glad that she can be entertained while I need some mommy time to shower or what not and not have to worry about what she is getting into.

disappointed

If you are representing your country in front of the world, how hard is it to just wear your damn hat like a normal human being? Why is it so imperative that you cock your hat to the side or put it on completely crooked just for the sake of looking like a 'bad-ass'? Every other country that walked out durring the opening ceremony looked like they took pride in their costumes and and country. Enter the US team and a large majority of the male athletes wore their berrets off kilter. I get so sick of seeing ball caps worn this way on the street and in the media, as well as pants hanging down past asses and various other 'bad-ass' fashion statements. It just makes you look like a DUMB-ass.

~removing myself from soapbox...

FIL rant

I'm so sick of Charlie's father. I've worked to repair our relationship since everything went down at the wedding, but I'm so tired of him letting Charlie down. Charlie is such a trusting person and would walk on water for his father, but unfortunately, the feeling is not mutual. He is a very selfish man who cares about one thing...drinking. Sure, he puts on a good front when he once in a blue moon comes to visit the babies, but even that is like pulling teeth. He would rather us pack up the kids, and drive all the way out there to see him. Even though, they have 2 incomes and just themselves, he still thinks we, with one income, 2 kids, and no money, should come out there. Not to mention they see no problem smoking in front of the kids. I have forgiven him for hurting me, but I have a harder time forgiving him time after time for hurting Charlie. Like for instance, when he sold OUR harley. We were going to sell it out right but his Dad said he would buy it from us so that we could still 'have' it and eventually when we were able pay him back. But instead of giving us that chance, he sold it behind our backs...for more money than he gave us for it I might add. The bike had a lot of sentimental value for Charlie as it was what helped him cope after the sudden death of his mom. His Dad has no clue how much it hurt Charlie, and I'm about 99% sure he really gives a shit. This all happened shortly after Makenna was born, but the pain is still there. Now he has his Harley, which he tells Charlie he can ride anytime...the only thing is...he wont take care of it. He didn't get it tagged, and then refused to take care of it properly over the winter and now it doesn't work. Why didn't he get rid of his bike if he didnt care about it? Why did he have to take the one material item that meant the most to Charlie and throw it away? Because he is a PIG. I have very little if any respect for this man. I only wish Charlie wouldn't be so forgiving. I hate seeing him hurt.

Jackson's 0-3 month montage

Jackson 0-3 months