Christmas update!

We had a really good christmas! Makenna LOVES her 'beebee' doll and 'roller' (stroller) thats pretty much all she cares about these days. Santa was very good to her and thanks to everyone she pretty much has an all new wardrobe. This kid had soooo many clothes now. But its kinda nice b/c she didn't get a lot of toys this time and so we dont have the problem of figuring out where to put everything! Charlie got me Knocked Up...the movie that is...since its rather obvious at this point that he did the literal awhile ago...LOL. He also got me some new perfume and a keychain...oh and before christmas he bought me a new necklace with the mother & child emblem. I bought him a pair of jeans and a movie.
We did have a fight on X-mas eve and I ended up sleeping on the couch. He finally appologized on Christmas over at my brothers house for letting 6 shirts not on hangers ruin our christmas eve. I swear sometimes I just want to beat him! Oh well...
Christmas day ended up being so much fun...other than the Migraine I was fighting all day. We went to Brian and Terri's for brunch and our 'immediate' family gift exchange. Then we all hung out for a bit. I took Mak home for a good nap and one for me too and then we went back over and waited for the 'rest' of the family. We had a great dinner and then had our 'White Elephant' exchange. It was a lot of fun. I think everyone had a great time and I think that everyone is comfortable with continuing and making this a new tradition in our family. I'll post pics of X-mas later! Hope everyone had a great time!

It has to get worse...???

Why is that always the logic when you are working out problems? "It always gets worse before it gets better" I think that sucks.
The past month has been probably one of the hardest months of my life. My marriage has been on the verge of collapse... and that is with us going to counseling for over 3 months now. I 'thought' that we were doing good there for awhile, but then I started to realize, that things weren't getting better, I was just getting better at pretending. Its easy to on the surface not let something bother me but when it hurts on the inside is when the worst damage is done. This past couple of weeks has been especially hard. It had a particularly low point when in counseling, we BOTH decided that we didn't want 'this' anymore. We couldn't take the emotional battery that is constantly surrounding our marriage anymore. We couldn't be happy together anymore. I sat there litterally feeling my heart break into a million tiny pieces as all the 'happy' memories came flooding into my head. How could we have gone from being relatively happy to not even being able to look eachother in the eye? We sat there, both crying, a million thoughts flowing through our minds and our counselor just sat there. After giving us a few minutes to really let what we had just said sink in, she asked us again, "is this what you both really want?" I couldn't say anything. My heart was screaming NO but my fear of what we had become already was telling me yes. Then she tells us that little piece of insight..."things have to get worse before they get better"... and I realized she is right. We have to be 100% honest with what our problems are before we can fix anything...no matter how painful it might be.
Its been 5 days since that session and I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted. I dont really know why but it was like actually hearing and saying the words "we're done" finally opened up my eyes to how hard I am willing to fight to keep what hope we have alive. And I'm ok with it getting harder before it gets better because that means theres not going to be anything left to harbor resentment or frustration with eachother because its all going to be there out in the open.
And the the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God, is that dispite all his and my short comings we DO love eachother...Forever-ever.

I can't believe it...

I'm going to bed....

and its before 11pm!!!!

Drum roll please....

Its a ....


BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

happy thoughts...

My US is tomorrow! Nope its not the 4th yet, BUT, thanks to a scheduling conflict at work, I had to call and reschedule...the first available appointment was....TOMORROW!!! I'm so relieved! I know it would have only been 4 more days, but thats 4 less days I have to think depressing thoughts. And the best part...since I wrote my last blog, my baby has been making sure I know its there. I'm feeling lots more little flutters. Kind of like s/he is reassuring me that everything is going to be ok mom! I'm so excited to see the baby. The last time we saw the bean it looked like a gummy bear. Now it will look like a real baby! With arms and legs and a nose and all the other baby parts! Speaking of 'parts' lets all say a little prayer that this little one cooperates and shows us the goods so we know if this will be a Jackson or a Morgan!

I am deffinitely getting excited. Maybe all that I've been feeling lately is just the hormones talking...??? I hope.

depressing thoughts.

I have been trying to ignore this 'feeling' I have had since I found out I was preggo. I remember when I was pregnant with Mak, I got the same feeling, but i remember it going it away pretty quickly, as I grew more excited. But I can't shake it this time around. Its like I'm afraid to let myself get attached to this pregnancy. Like I'm trying to keep mysef from being let down or upset when/if we find out something is wrong. I hate it. I feel like the more I feel this way, the likelier that something will go wrong, thus it would be my fault if something did happen. Its a horrible feeling. I hate it. But I can't stop it. I need to know everything is ok. I have my sonogram next tuesday, so hopefully that will put some ease to these thoughts/feelings. I know every pregnancy is different, but this one has been 150% more nerve-racking than my first pregnancy ever was. I really hope this U/S goes well on Tuesday, I think that will reassure me that everything is ok. I don't even care if we are able to find out what we are having, as long as it proves that my 'feelngs' are wrong.

What the hell!

Well, Mak is back ot not sleeeping...or rather, she sleeps but then decides that 3am-4am is her new get up for the day time. I'm NOT ok with this!!!!!

And what the hell is with it being 70 degrees yesterday and 30 flippin' degrees today? How are people supposed to stay healthy in temp ranges like this?????

Ok, i'm going to bed...3 am will be here before I know it...

Oh and Happy Thanksgiving!

She did it!...and yet another preggo vent

She slept through the night last night...AND...Charlie got up with her at 5am this morning and let me sleep in until 8:30!!!!! It was so refreshing. I felt more rested than I've felt all week, he also packs the croation love log of passion! He is quit the man! He rocks that ass til the break of dawn all night long!


****Ok, reclaiming MY blog from being hi-jacked by my idiot husband....****

So I was going to be nice and tell about how sweet it was of him to step up and help me out like that, but since he decided to take advantage of me getting the baby ready for bed, I wont!


I'll talk about myself! So I'm really getting tired of being pregnant. I never felt this with Makenna. I LOVED being preggo with Mak. No complaints or complications with her. But his kid is killing me! My hips hurt SO bad today. If I ist down I literally have to have Charles help me back up. I made the mistake of laying down on the floor and I got stuck! I could NOT get up by myself. I remember feeling this at the END of my pregnancy with Mak, but never this early. It sucks! I'm also having a lot of BH contractions. I'm going to talk to the midwife at the next appt, but things just don't feel right. I might call this week. But we still hear the baby's heartbeat everynight and I can feel it kicking me pretty regularly, so I'm sure things are fine. I'm just getting paranoid with all these 'weird' symptoms. Oh and 2 more of my close friends are preggo now too! That puts the preggo friend/family count at 5 of us! Babies everywhere!

Make it stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so tired. I am going insame over this teething thing with Makenna. She is up if not every hour of the night, at least every other hour. And then she wakes up between 5am-6am and there is not really any point in trying ot get her back down. This morning, after me being up with her most of the night, I asked Charlie at 5:30 to get up with her. His alarm had been going off since 5am, so I didn't think this would be such a big deal. But no, he said ok, then rolled back over and 20 seconds later he was snoring again. So I got up and got her. I'm just so exhausted. I don't think I've felt this tired ever. Lastnight in the middle of the night around 1:30 I actually yelled at Makenna. I feel horrible about it. Its not her fault that she isn't feeling well. But I just snapped because she would fall asleep with me rocking her, but as soon as I would lay her down and try to leave she would start screaming again. I just feel like I'm wearing too thin. I have no patience for anything right now. On top of that I really hate our bed and I'm havnig trouble sleeping anyway, when I do get a chance for an hour or two. Its so uncomfortable and I wake up with a headache 9 out of 10 mornings b/c I'm sleeping awkward on it. I wish I could say well at least its friday, but it doesn't matter. Its not like I get any sleep on the weekends either. This is over 2 weeks that Makenna has been like this. I just wish her teeth would hurry up and pop through. 1 out of the 4 has finally popped through, but the others are being stubburn. I don't know how much more I can take of this no sleep.

17 weeks...

Bastard children, New car, New worries, Shots, Garth Brooks and anything else I can think of....hang in there its gonna be a long one!

Ok, Loni...Its finally tomorrow...LOL

Bastard Children...
Charles works with this guy named Scott. Scott is an ok person at best. I'm not 100% fond of him, but I can tollerate him. What I can not tollerate is his children. I banned the older boy from our house after he threw a fit b/c I told him to put Makenna's bubble machine away, and he threw the bottle of bubbles all of the floor. Hes 8 btw... The younger boy, was still allowed at our house...let me emphasize the WAS. They all came over for a smoke out and the little bastard called my beautiful angelic daughter a BITCH! And the really sad part about it is at just 3 years old, he knows how to use the word in the correct context. I don't blame the kids, though. They have shitty parents...


New Car...
A Saturn Ion to be exact. We went to 'look' at cars and were the victims of a sales man who was really good at his job. **insert rolling eyes emoticon** We needed the car. It was inevitable that we would get one, but the timing was not so good. Our first payment is due two weeks before X-Mas. Merry F-ing christmas! Oh well, I must say I love the 4 door! The cavalier was a real pain in the ass...especially as my belly seems to be expanding a trillion times faster this time around.

New worries...
I have high blood pressure and I guess I've had it the whole pregnancy. Never had it before until this pregnancy. If it is high again next time I will be monitored for pre-eclampsia and anything else that high Bp might bring on. I'm trying to be good though. I've cut back my pop intake and am watching what I'm eating and keeping my salt intake down. Its still kinda scary though...And my Dr's #1 recomendation..."don't stress about ANYTHING"...um, yeah, that'll happen.

Shots.
Makenna had her 18 month check up. I made my mom go along since the last round of shots went pathetically bad (on my part). This time however, Makenna did really well! She was in good spirits and was playing in the room the whole time and cooperating with the Dr. Even after the shots and the initial few minutes of crying, she was good to go! All she wanted to do was pet the large stuffed giraffe in the hallway! Phew! She was 34.5 inches tall and weighed 26.2 lbs. She is currently cutting 4 more teeth and I pray that ends VERY quickly! She is still so amazing! Her new favorite word is bus. We see about 5-6 on the way to daycare in the morning and she tells each and every one of them "hi bus!" God I love her!!!

Garth Brooks.
We ended up with Executive Suite box tickets to the Garth Brooks concert on Sunday night. Let me tell you that was one hell of a show! If I would have known how much I would have enjoyed myself I would have shelled out the big bucks to purchase a ticket! Thank God for connections in the event tickets business!!! We got the best seats in the house for the grand total of FREE!!! And you can blame Charles for no pictures...He said they would take away my bright shiny new camera if I tried to take it in...Then they announce that "Garth welcomes you to take as many photos as you would like...." I turned to Charles and punched him in the arm! Anyway, it was an awesome show and I can say I genuinely enjoyed myself 250%!!!!

Oh! I'm gonna be an aunt again!!!!!!! Brian and Terri found out on Halloween of all days that they are expecting #2!!!! The new baby will be about 3 months younger than our new one! I can't wait! Oh and I find out on December 4th what we are having!!!! Pray for a non-shy baby!!!

Halloween was fun! makenna dressed as a pumpkin and Sammy was a soldier! Emily and Chris dressed up as The big Pimp Wolf and Lil'Red Riding Hoe...LOL. It was awesome! I thought Mak would be scared of Chris's mask, but she loved it! She thought he was a dog and kept saying "woof, woof". Its was so damn cute! I'll post a pic update in a day or two.

Ok, I think I'm done for now. Thats been my life in a nut shell...for now!

Sorry Loni!

I'll make another post tomorrow. I didn't realize I haven't posted in awhile...I keep thinking of posts and then I never make them! LOL I'm too tired to tonight though. I have a lot to blog about...Like the little shit that just called my daughter a bitch...oh yeah, that will be a fun one!

I'm so effing c-c-c-c-c-old!!!

Why can't it be 80 degrees year round...80 degrees with snow! That would be perfect in my book! LOL. But at least this cold snap will finally cause the trees to start changing colors. They say if they dont change soon and we get a hard freeze that the leaves wont fall off and that will creat a major disaster once one of our innevitable ice storms hit. They are saying it could easily be worse than the ice storm in (99?) I relly don't remember the year, just the sounds of the snapping branches and the exploding trasformers...
Speaking of Transformers, we have to watch that for the bedtime movie tonight...I can't wait...*sarcasm*
Ok, peace out.

I miss him...

I just stumbled upon a picture on my brothers website of my grandpa. I all of a sudden was struck with such a feeling of sadness. Tears started streaming. I miss him so much. I miss his big smile, his big tummy, and his pinches on the cheek. I want so much for him to be in my wedding pictures, to hold my daughter and to share in the excitement of this new baby. He was such a solid person. He was always proud of us even when things happened in our lives that were less than proud moments. I love the pictues of him letting us crawl all over him. The video of the family Christmas vacation at the Lake when he dressed up as Santa Clause and surprised all of us kids. I remember after their house burned down and we went over to their town home for my birthday and he wheeled out my brand new scooter. I was so excited! I remember the not so fond memories too...thanks to my grandmother. She was relentless in her insults to us and especially me. I wasn't quite good enough in her eyes. But I could always look to my grandpa and feel love again. My last memories of him are bittersweet. Lying in the hospital bed he was so positive at the beginning. "I'm not going anywhere..." , after he met Charlie for the first and last time he told him he better take care of me... Then when the inevitable hopelessness of his illness took hold of him, I saw the fear in his eyes. I saw my grandpa cry. I had to leave. The call came to me that I needed to get to the hospital right away if I want to say my final goodbyes...I didn't make it. I couldn't go in the room once he was gone. I couldn't see my grandpa without the life in his eyes. Even as hard as the last few days were, he was still there. The memorial service was hard. So many people were there. So many people with such awesome things to say about such an awesome man. I miss him more than I ever thought I could miss someone. I believe that heaven is what you want it to be., If there is a heaven...he is there...navigating his boat in the never ending waters of his heaven. I miss you Grandpa Rich!

delima solved???

I hope...

We interviewed a new daycare lady today. Makenna really liked her and I have a really good feeling about leaving Mak there. There is lots for her to do and Kim, the lady, seems very 'good'. She has 20+ yrs experience and there will only be 3 kids at a time, so there will be plenty of one-on-one time. She prepares healthy meals for the kiddos and takes them on walks and all sorts of fun stuff. i really hope this works out as well as it looks like it will. If things go well, we will just keep her there instead of transfering her to Kindercare in Dec. *Keep your fingers crossed* She will start tomorrow so I wont have to miss any work.

I'm a good girl!

This morning on the way to work, after cutting up potatoes, and filling my crock pot with a roast, potatoes and water and some spices, I decided to do something I've never done before. I picked up the phone and called Charlie's dad and invited him and Debbie over for dinner. Not because Charlie wanted me to (he didn't even know) not because I 'had' to, but because I actually missed hanging out with them. All day long I was worried about the crock pot dinner burning up b/c I'm paranoid about that kind of thing. When I finally got home, the house smelled fabulous! The meat was perfectly tender and dinner turned out great, allbeit a bit bland (I have to work on my seasonings). Chuck and Debbie came over and we had a wonderful evening! Chuck's car burned up last weekend! LOL!!! I was cracking up while he was telling us the story! Debbie showed me the blanket she is working on for the new baby, its cute, she just wants to find out what the baby is so she can finish it in pink or blue. They bought Mak the cutest little rain coat 9which would have come in handy today) and a cute winter coat! I am so glad that I've made the decision to 'rekindle' so to speak our relationship. Its nice to get to know him/them again.

lots of stuff

I got a pedicure tonight with Emily. It was her first. I LOVE pedicures! I wish I could have one every week! I think I have cute feet...Charlie disagrees, but what does he know really?

Makenna was a holy terror on Sunday. She was a 'bad' kid! 3 trips to time out! She has developed a fondness for beating the dog. I've never felt sorry for this dog until my 18 month old began abusing him! LOL She escaped out the back door 3 times (hence the 3 time out trips) obbviously time out is very effective *sarcasm* She has learned the word "NO" and uses it quite freely now.

I'm really starting to get super excited for this baby. I think I am feeling flutters already. Either that or I have the same gas feeling everytime I lay down very still. I can't wait for the big kicks! The time is flying by with this pregnancy! Its going a lot quicker than it did the first time...well it seems to be anyway. I'll be 13 weeks on wednesday!

*earmuffs*
Charlie and I had 'boom-boom' last night for the first time in hmmm...lets see, about 12 weeks. I don't know why but I was almost as scared to 'do it' again as I was the first time I 'did it'. It was the strangest thing. But all in all it was good, and I'm over whatever hang up I had going on...aside from the pelvic rest I was ordered on for 6 of those 12 weeks.

All better...

So essentially he refused to help me at all yesterday clean the house. I started at 8am and finally quit around noon, all the while he was making excuses fo things he had to do. BS. But anyway, we're better now. I was just really freaking ticked off at him. He's such a penis sometimes...

I am so freaking pissed off

at my husband. I wont go into detail, but days like this really make me wonder if its all worth it.

A case of the Mondays...

I just don't want to go to work today. I am exhausted. I had a headache from the time I came home from work last week to the time I went to bed last night that even Tylenol Max didn't touch. I haven't been sleeping well at all. I just feel so blah right now. Its pouring rain outside. I have to work till 6 and then manage to get Mak picked up and over to 119th & Quivira by 6:15 for my pedicure that I've already had to re-schedule 4 times. My uterus is expanding and its actually painful...I dont remember feeling 'growing' pains with Mak, but this time I deffinietly do. Oh and gas too...just in case everyone wanted to know that. Ok, so that is my monday so far...have a great freaking day....

Mak's 18 month pics!

Ok, seriously...can she get any cuter???


















This was the last shot and she tackled the bear instead of kissing him...lol

Makenna's first trip to the ER...and better be her last!

So tonight after getting home from dinner, I took Makenna by the hand and started leading her to her room to get her jammies on. At that moment Charlie decided he was going to tickle her, so she threw herself down with her hand firmly grasped in my hand. I felt a pop, but it was nothing more than the 'normal' pop of joints when we're swinging her around and what not, and she didn't cry right away so I didn't worry or think twice about it. However, by the time I got her to her bedroom to put her jammies on, she was grabbing her elbow and saying boo-boo and had started to cry at that point.
At first her cries were easily quieted by distracting her, so I didn't worry about it, but they got harder and harder to calm, and she just let her arm danlge at her side. I called the emergency on-call pediatrician and he told us to go to the ER. At this point she was crying hard, non-stop, so I was officially worried.
We got to the ER, met with the triage nurse and sat in the waiting room for about 20 minutes before Mak got antsy and started exploring. About 10 minutes later, we notice she is using her arm more and more and is actually putting weight on it and picking up her teddy bear and her blankie with it. The final test was "Itsy Bitsy Spider"...she performed the arm/hand motions flawlessly.
So after much debate and a 'surprise' visit from Grandma, we decided to talk to the triage nurse again and see what she thought. She couldn't legally tell us to go home, but she strongly hinted..."We're here 24/7 so if the symptoms 'mysteriously' reappear, you know where to find us, I have 4 daughters, I know how these things go..." So we took the hint and saved us a TON of money and took our perfectly healthy, mobile armed, weight bearing baby back home....

She is sound asleep in her crib now!

The nurse says a lot of the times the joints will kind of twist out a bit, but not completely dislocate, and they will usually slip back in to place. She said that is what probably happened in this case.

But anyway, that was Makenna's first trip to the ER...and it better be her last! Mama can't handle all this stress!

10 weeks today!

I am 10 weeks pregnant today! I can't believe how fast the time has gone. I'm 1/4 of the way there. I had my first 'real' dream about the baby last night. Its a girl. she has the same twisted toes as her big sister and her hair is darker than Maks. But otherwise, she looked the same...and she wasn't huge! I am so anxious to see what we really are having, but I am getting a pretty strong 'girl' vibe again. We have both names picked out...Boy: Jackson Charles and Girl: Morgan DeeAnn. I am getting so excited about this baby. Daddy keeps telling Makenna to 'kiss mommy's tummy' and she looks at us like were smoking doobies or something! lol. We are going to be putting Makenna in a 'real' daycare soon. I'm kindda nervous about it, but we need to do it for many reasons. 1st, we're having issues with her current child care...2nd, we want her to get used to being around other kiddos and learning to share and learning that contrary to what she might believe, the world does not in fact revolve around her...lol. Even though she'll always be the center of our universe! Sorry for the quickie, but I just realized its 7:15 and I have to get ready for work....will update more later!

will someone please clean my house!

beacause I really, really, really don't want to.
thanks!

Blah...and ramblings of a tired mom...

I'm in a mood...or a funk...or whatever you want to call it. I'm just so exhausted all the time. The more sleep I get the worse I am it seems, but if I dont sleep (which is usually the case) I am even worse. I'm trying really hard to stay in a good mood. Charlie is terrified that I will slip back into the 'bitch mode' that I was in most of my pregnancy with Makenna. But I'm trying really hard not to. I'm just not in a good mood lately. I'm not mad about anything really, I'm just so friggin' tired. I just want to have a night in a COMFORTABLE bed with COMFORTABLE pillows and fluffy blankets that I can wrap myself in, and I want to go to bed when I'M tired and except for the 2-3 bathroom breaks in the middle of the night, not have to get up until I want to. I just want to escape for one night. No husband, no baby. Just me and a bed... Is that so much to ask...???

Back to reality...

I am loving my new job. I love working with Tammy again. Although we are quickly realizing that the miniscule 'training' I did get at TO is either wrong or the processes are out of synch. So I'm pretty much going back to square one and starting over, which really isn't that big of a deal since I really didn't get trained in the first place. Oh well. At least Tammy sees that I am ready, willing and able to learn everything its going to take to be a good assistant.
My tooth that I had a root canal on when I was 4 mos preggo with Mak broke in half and the back half fell out. I feel like a white trash toothless wonder now...Too bad dental work is so damn expensive...

I had dinner with Mom and Dad tonight. Charlie is out of town and I hate being alone, plus I knew i'd get dinner out of the deal...Yeah I'm a mooch... Thanks Mom, Love you!

Makenna is a pain in the butt! Not that I'm upset about it. I think its cool watching her test me and see what she can get away with. Her vocab is getting better and better. Shes trying to say sentences now, but I have no idea what she is trying to say. A lot of giberish and babble. But its so stinkin' cute! Her new love is the choo-choo! We have tracks by our apt and whenever she hears the train she gets all excited and shouts "shoos-shoos" that and sirens or "woo-woos". She is such a friggin' genious I swear! I just love her so much. I can't even describe it in words...She is deffinitely the light of my life!

In the baby dept...things are going well. I haven't have any bouts with the sickness in over a week now! **knocking on wood** I'm thinking that the sickness I experienced was more due to stress at work than actual pregnancy. Since I transfered, I've been feelin' good! I still have occasional spotting, but it is to be expected as long as I have the bleed. My next apppt is Oct 5th.

Ok, I'm going to bed now. ..I'm going to pretend its a comfortable bed with cofortable pillows and layered with big soft fluffy blankets that I can wrap myself in...too bad the alarm goes off at 6am...

Baby scare # 1...and hopefully the only!

I had my first 'emergency' trip tot he Dr this morning. Last firday at the ultrasound, there was a bleed around the sac, which she told me is normal, but that I would most likely be experiencing some brown spotting this week. Well, I had the brown spooktting yesterday and even though its always unnerving, I didn't worry too much. However, this morning I went to the bathroom b/c I was having some light cramping and figured I needed tino have a poo. But nope, so I proceed to wipe and when I saw the TP it was bright red. I looked in the toilet and there as obvously more than jus tthey typical spotting and it was bright red. The Dr's always say to worry about bright red blood, so I immediately freaked out. I called the Dr and got in for an apt first thing in the morning. They did an U/S and let me know right off the bat that the baby was ok...THANK GOD! The bleed however, had gotten bigger instead of smaller as they like to see. My mid-wife still is not overly concerned, as long as it does not continue to get bigger. She did put my on activity restriction and 'pelvic rest' for the rest of my first trimester. She doesn't even want me lifting Makenna. Thats going to be hard, but I am going to do my best as the health of my unborn kiddo is at stake. Plus Mak has become so independent lately anyway, she prefers to not be held. The whole pelvic rest thing, I'm ok with...not so much Charlie, but he of course understands...LOL...Plus as he said "its not like I'm getting any anyway..." Gotta love the men! Anyway, He is being very helpful already. he went grocery shopping tonight which he hates, and he has said he would clean up the living room tonight. So that was the first scare with this pregnancy and hopefully the last...
You never realize how attached you get to something so quickly until you have to face the reality of possibly losing it...
I love this bean so much already.

Its really there!

We got to see the bean sprout today! It measured 6weeks, 6 days and my 'official' due date is now April 28th! One more day closer to May! I can keep this kiddo cooking until may hopefully! I really want to avoid having yet another birthday in April...OH well, we'll se what happens. I've still been feeling awful. Its getting worse instead of better. My midwife gave me a few things to try 'naturally', but if it doesn't get better than after a couple of weeks she will perscribe something for the 24/7(morning) sickness. She just wants to let baby develop a bit more before having me take any strong drugs. Which I'm completely ok with...for now... I can't believe how completely different this pregnancy has been already. I'm kind of hoping that a large part of it is just stress from work also. If so then hopefully I'll be feeling better now b/c my last day in hell was today. I start working with Tammy on Monday and I am so happy. But anyway...back to the baby. Seeing it on the screen really made it real. Not that the feeling nauseas non-stop wasn't enough to convince me...but I've seen my baby! I feel completely different this time than I did with Mak. Not any less excited, but this time its not so new and the anticipation isn't as high as it was with Mak. Last time right off the bat, I just wanted her to get here. This time, I am in no big hurry. Don't get me wrong I can't wait to meet my little one, but I kind of know what to expect this time. Assuming everything goes along with no complications...We'll see the bean again in about 12 weeks and hopefully it will cooperate and let us know girl or boy. We're going to do the 3D U/S too this time at a better place, so hopefully we'll get better pics than we ended up with of Mak.
I keep trying to imagine what life is going to be like with 2 kids. I wonder how could I ever love another kid like I love Makenna. What if this next kid isn't as 'easy' as Mak was. How are they going to get along? and a whole slew of other questions. But I know everything will work out. Theres no going back now anyway, so I'll just deal with it.
Ok, I'm rambling so I'm going to stop....here is a pic of our soon-to-be latest addition...

feeling good...

Things are finally starting to calm down for me. After probably one of the most stressful work weeks ever, I've been approved to transfer to Foxfire Apts. I feel so good about this. I know working with Tammy will be a good thing. Plus I wont have to work for the spawn of satan any more!!! I seriously can not believe how childish my current manager has been throughout this whole thing. But hey, it just further proves to me that I'm doing the right thing.
We had our second week of counseling today. I am so glad that we are doing this. It has already helped more than I ever could have hoped/imagined it would. We are already getting along and communicating so much better just from going for 2 weeks. I wish we had done this 2 yrs ago!!! Oh well.
I'm still getting some yucky morning(all day) sickness and I've started to get sooooooo exhausted after doing absolutely nothing. I forgot how tired you get when you're early prenant! That and hungry. I hate the feeling of how hungry I get. I go from being satisfied to famished in 2.5 seconds it seems. and thats when the 'sickness' usually sets in. We have our first U/S on friday! I can't wait to see my little bean sprout!!!
Makenna is amazing! I love her to pieces! Now whenever she has a 'booboo' (or something lightly brushed her arm the wrong way) she brings it over to me and says 'kiss'. So Mommy has to kiss her all over to make it 'all gone'! She spent the night with grandma and grandpa last ngiht so mommy and daddy could go see a movie (and sleep in!). She had a good time and played with the 'kee' (kitty) and the 'woof' (dog). I love her so much!!!!!!!!
We were supposed to go visit Loni and her family this weekend, but gee...money got in the way...story of my life! Oh well, we will make a trip down there soon! I have got to see the newest Roat addition!!! BTW Loni, you seriously made me cry with that blog you wrote! I love you so much! You're like the twin sister I never had!
Ok, thats my life in a nutshell at the moment...

Purging...

So I've come to a point in my life, where I am ready to puge all the negativity. I've always been one to hold things in for a loooooooong time, and hold grudges and take things incredibly personal. The last couple of weeks, pretty much since we found out we were pregnant again, I've had this urge to just 'be happy' again. Not that I've been overly sad, or depressed or mad, its just that I've held on to so many situations in my life that its become more important to me to keep the grudge than just 'get over it' so to speak. Its not a healthy thing. I had started to notice that everything I did, every decision I was making I had to figure out how to do it in a way to 'punish' those wrong doers in my life. And what did I get out of it...Nothing. Just building up more resentment and negativity in me when the person I was 'punishing' really when it came right down to it, has no clue that I am mad, or that I've even done something to punish them. Its really pretty retarded. I'm pretty retarded. But thats what I realized. So I've made a point to rid myself of these feelings. Not just forget about it and move on, but to not let them determine how I am going to live my life. Its actaully coming to me pretty easily. I've become freinds with Jennifer again. I'm speaking with his father again and having fun with him again. In fact, Charles and I are really working on being happy together again. I've forgivin him (with the help of a couselor) for the things he has done that had reallly hurt me and I have also learned that I dont need to 'punish' people anymore. Its ok for me to be hurt, but its not ok to take those feelings and let them eat away at me until I'm so consumed by avoiding them or the situation or punishing them, that I've wasted all this energy for NOTHING. I'm in a good place. I feel like things can and will only get better from here. I honestly feel like a heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel free. As cheesey and cliche as it sounds. I'm free to love my husband again, the way I want to. I'm free to go to dinner with his dad and have a good time. I'm free to be happy again. Ok, I"m done rambling...
I'm going to bed before this kid makes me puke again...

I'm bored

I really dont have anything to blog about, but I feel like I'm neglecting it if I dont post at least every other day. I'm really stressed out at work. There is some major bull shit going on and I hate it. I have the chance to tranfer to a place I know I'll be happy, but its all up to the higher-ups and right now, I dont really trust the higher-ups. If it doesn't work, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stay there. I leave at the end of the day wanting to cry. ...I guess it could be the baby hormones though... If everyone could just maybe send up a good thought for this tranfer, maybe it will happen... thanks.

Oh yeah...Lake pics!

I forgot about the lake pics...my bad.
We had a great time! Makenna absolutely loved being in the water and on the boat! We told the family about the baby and everyone is excited! anyway...here are the pics! enjoy!

This kid is so already grounded!

I've gotten sick twice today. Thats one more time than I EVER got sick with Mak the entire pregnancy. This is NOT funny. I've been queasey all damn day. My body better get over this real quick. This might end up being a VERY LOOOONG nine months. Oh and check out my pregnancy countdown thingamabobber. its kinda neat.
Oh and the icing on the cake...
The Chinese lunar calander says its going to be a boy. I dont know what to do with boys, I only know girls. BTW, it was right with Makenna...so we'll see.
Oh and Madame Zaritska agrees...
Madame Zaritska's reading:

The day you deliver, outside will be rainy. Your baby will arrive in the morning.
After a labor lasting approximately 14 hours, your child, a boy, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 6 pounds, 11 ounces, and will be 19 inches long. This child will have hazel eyes and be completely bald.

So I may have to kill him afterall...

Before we went to the lake I told him not to be doing stupid 'manly' shit since his knees are already jacked up. He can't just leave well enough alone, and he just told me that he's going to have to make a Dr's appt tomorrow b/c he can not put any weight on his knee...which means no way he'll be able to climb up and down his truck tomorrow. I begged him not to do the tubing b/c I told him that if he fucks up his knee, we're screwed. Now its not just him and I and the baby, now its him, me the baby and the one on the way. If he can't work b/c he jacked his knee up I dont know what we're going to do. We depend on his paycheck. Mine wont be near enough to support us if he has to have surgery...even if he gets FMLA pay..which I dont think he'll get. I am so mad I could seriously shoot him. Why does he always have to think about himself first. Why can't he think of the consequences of his actions before he regrets them later. Does he not realize how much he may have just jeopardized his family all for the sake of some 'fun'. I guess we'll see what the dr says. God he's such an idiot.

So I'm pregnant...

Only by about 4 weeks, but it still counts...lol
We weren't trying, but we weren't preventing either. We had planned to 'officially' start trying next month...so its not really that big of deal. We are both excited. This baby is due at the end of April. Probably around the 27th according to my last period. I have an U/S in 2.5 weeks to get my first sneek peek at the little bean. I'm so excited! I don't really 'feel' pregnant yet. I was kinda shocked to find out I actually was preggo. Especially since I was spotting for over a week before I finally took a test. Its starting to sink in now especially since we told all of my family this weekend at the lake. (btw...see next post for lake pics)
anyway, i'll be updating quite a bit about the progress!

Weekend re-cap...

Well...it was a good weekend...
We had a very short heated argument saturday morning and once we got that out of our system, we sustained the rest of the weekend. I did tell him that I had called a few couselors last week and he agreed that it was a good idea. Which we'd already covered many times before, but things are obviously not getting better on their own. We both want this and we both KNOW that things will get better...we are afterall in the grand scheme of things still new at this, even though it feels like its been a life time.
We had a few friends over for smoked meat saturday night. It was fun. My parents ended up staying the latest...which was about 11pm. My friend Tana also stayed until then, but she was a late arrival anyway. Charlie went to bed...aka...passed out around 10pm...
But all in all, it was a fun evening.
Today we celaned the house...YES! I did say WE! He helped with the kitchen and the laundry! good boy!

OH MY GOD...

I'm so in love with my little girl!

lunch

I'm going to lunch today with my cousin Melanie and my ex-aunt Anita. I"m looking forward to it, but I'm kind of nervous too. Melanie and I have never been the greatest cousins. In fact I spent a large portion of my life hating her. She was spoiled and a HUGE brat. She told me when I was 7 years old that she just didn't like me and she never would. I know its crazy that I still hold a grudge against her for that...being I'm now 27 and she is 29...but still it hurt me. So fast forward 20 years and we are both married and have two beautiful little girls. We have something in common now for the first time in our whole life, and you better believe I am going to build on that. I think the thing is I've always wanted to be like her. My grandparents always wanted me to 'be more like her' and that also strained our relationship. I was jealous and envious of her. I was constantly being compared to her...she was the 'perfect' granddaughter, and I wasn't. I DO like her. Even though she can tend to be a bit flakey at times...But I think we really do have a lot in common and given the opportunity, we could become 'friend-cousins'.
As far as Aunt Anita goes...She was my Uncle's (mel's dad) second of 3 wifes. She ia AWESOME! and unti lMel's wedding I'd only seend her once since she and Bob divorced. I'm so excited to see her today and get a chance to catch up on life. Heck, I was only 2 when they got married and only about 7-8 when they got divorced, so there is a TON to catch up on.
Ok, well I"m supposed to be there in 30 minutes and the baby is still down for her nap so i better get going!

I love you, I just dont really like you right now...

I really don't know what/how I feel about Charles right now. He simply refuses to grow up and be resposible and make sacrifices to better our lives...Don't get me wrong, he 'talks' all the time about what he wants in life (house, new car, vacation...) But when it comes to actually doing anything to achieve these goals, well, thats where the problem lies. I went back to work so that we could pay off our debt and eventually buy a home. This goal is VERY important to me. And I'm willing to sacrafice just abut any good time to save for this. But I can't get him on the same page. He doesn't seem to want to understand the meaning of 'working for what you want'. SUre he works long hours, but on the weekend, I can almost guarantee you our paychecks are gone by Monday. Then he bitches about working 'all these fucking hours for nothing'...well, dear, its your own fucking fault. Lately I find myself wondering..."would I be better off without him?" I know I could make it on my own. It would be tight, but hell it wouldn't be that different than what we're dealing with now. But I know I can sacrifice what it takes to obtain my goals. I feel like he's holding us back...me back... I do love him, but I really dont like him at all right now.... This wednesday I came home and was feeling sick to my stomache. I was laying on the couch when he got home and he asked me what was wrong so I told him....so he proceeds to go sit on his chair and stay there the remainder of the evening while I: cook dinner, feed Mak, give Mak a bath, pick up her toys, put away dinner, start a load of laundry, a load of our clothes, and feed the f-ing dog. Then he wants to know why I'm being 'shitty' to him....uh..gee...
Ok, I'm done for now...until next time...

So I've changed my mind...

I'm not solely going to use this as a Makenna blog...I'm going to use it for MY personal blog. Only a few select people will have access...My PW buddies and a few close friends who I can trust with my thoughts and feelings on life, love and ultimately the pursuit of 'happyness'...

and with that said...(read next blog)

So the latest run down of Mak...

So durring her first year, I sent out e-mails pretty regularly with all the latest Makenna happenings/updates. But somehow, I lost track of time...I guess a VERY active toddler can do that to a girl. So here it is in a not so little nut shell...

Makenna amazes me every day. Last night she woke up crying in the night so I brought her back to bed with me and she laid down next to me and started rubbing my cheek. How does she know just how to make her mommy feel so good?

She is EVERYWHERE! She has discovered she can run and lemme tell ya, she loves to run...away from me! We bought her a new pair of Nike tennis shoes (pink of course) and she walks around so proud now. She shows everyone her new 'shees'. Now if I could only convince her that they really do work better when they are tied...

She loves to talk. Not that we can really understand her, but she sure talks your ear off it you let her...which of course we do. Her favorite thing in the world right now is birds. Every morning when we walk out to the car, she points to all the birds in the grass and says birdie...well, I 'think' thats what shes saying...I can't really understand her. It sounds more like 'beez'. Her vocab includes, MumMum (me!), DaDa, Mama(grandma), Popa(grandpa), dog, hogan (hodee), keekee(kitty), ni-ni(night night), ungee(hungry) and many more 'makenna words'. You know, those words that only Mommy understands. Oh and she says Peez (please).

I love her more than anything I've ever thought I loved before. I love being her mommy. She inspires me to strive to be a better person, for her. She has taught me so much and the meaning of PATIENCE (especially since she had decided that she has no need to wait to be 2 for the terribles...lol) She is sassy and sweet. More than I could have ever wished for or wanted in a little girl!

I've been a bad mommy, and haven't taken her in for her 15 month check up. I need to, but I keep having little anxiety attacks when I think about it, so I just chose not to think about it...problem solved...right? I'll get her in soon, I just need someone to go with me b/c the last round of shots just about did me in...Man this mommy stuff is rough!

She has almost a mouth full of teeth, which might explain the early onset of the terrible twos and her bouts of the poos lately. In the past 2 months she has cut 4 molars and two bottom teeth and I can see her 'eye' teeth coming in along with her 4th top tooth. Here's to more sleepless nights and a very cranky princess...

Well thats it for now...I will be updating with pics and stories quite often!

A page from Loni's book...

So I LOVE Loni's blogspot, so I'm being a copy cat, and creating my own! Thanks Loni! I love you and miss you heaps! I'll call you about Labor Day weekend!